Spiffy!

It Looks Better On Her

There was no room for the "s"; but, y'all get the idea, right?

• She of the Incredibly Toned Arms hosted an official "Kids' State Dinner" where she served 'Cabbage Sloppy Joes' and 'Zucchini Fries.'  The menu was "...composted [sic] of winning recipes..." submitted by children from across the country.  Freudian slip?  Feed kids enough compost, and they will never be fat.
• Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo), who made headlines (in a bad way), has been dis-invited to the Republican National Convention.  While The Lifeguard believes in freedom of speech, and a person's right to make stupid (or offensive) statements, The Lifeguard thinks that this shitweasel, Akin, has got to go.
• Is there any other kind of rape but the forcible kind?
• Isn't what Congress does to our country, on a daily basis, under colour of law, their idea of legitimate rape?  (Actually, they call it saving us from ourselves; but, The Lifeguard will go with rape.)
• Will Joseph Kennedy, III's--who is running for Barney Frank's seat--comment, that Tel Aviv is the capital of Israel, get half as much attention as Todd Akin's stupid-ass comment? 
• Does anyone want to be thought of as "running for Barney Frank's seat?" 
• There is a shortage of farm labour in California this year; but, yet, California has a rather high unemployment rate.  Um...jobs?  Unemployed workers?  It seems like a no-brainer to The Lifeguard. Maybe the unemployed can take that high-speed rail to the jobs.
• Maybe $9.25 an hour doesn't seem like it's that much; but, it's still $9.25 an hour.  (Semi-skilled workers can make $12-18.00 per hour.)  Of course, if one gets that for staying home, collecting a welfare check, maybe it's not all that attractive.  And, shouldn't this be an issue in the presidential campaign?
• A syphilis outbreak has shut down the porn industry.  Actors are being notified and tested, as they rush to deal with this sexually transmitted disease.  Over 1,000 performers are out of work as a consequence of the outbreak, and these jobs are likely to go offshore.  Shouldn't this also be an issue in the presidential campaign?
• Actually, it shouldn't.  The Lifeguard would just like to hear Vice Presidential Biden talk porn on one of the Sunday chat shows.
• Speaking of rape, Nike is going to be selling the new LeBron X shoe for $315.00 a pair.  Nike has established rules for retailers, to ensure security at the release of the shoes for sale.  Increased security.  For the sale of sneakers.  What is the world coming to?  The next thing you'll tell The Lifeguard, the stores won't be allowed to take EBT cards for the purchase of these pumped up kicks.
• The Lifeguard doesn't think that being $315.00 lighter will help you to run faster than a bullet.
• Twenty-one visible piercings.  (The number on the clerk at the supermarket.)  This requires no further comment.

Lifeguard, out!

Final Countdown...

Dumb and Dumber

Thursday can't get here soon enough.

SCOTUS will issue their decision on ObamaCare (which is a gross Obamanation), and the House will vote to hold Attorney General Holder in contempt of Congress.  (The Lifeguard wonders why we can't hold Congress in contempt of us, but that's a question for another day.  November 6, to be exact.)

The Lifeguard predicts that it's gonna be a good day.  

SCOTUS strikes down ObamaCare, 6-3.

Holder gets spanked, 251-184.

(But don't hold The Lifeguard to that.)

The Lifeguard is not a racist.

Huh?

In the wake of an awful political advertisement saying that he's got the back of the black community, Obamapologist Angela Rye upped the ante in the politics of race by coming out with the absolutely absurd statement that Obama's difficulties in office come because he is black.  (Aside from the fact that the commercial and the statements are just plain idiotic, a white person could never run that ad, or make that statement, without being called the worst sort of names.)

Angela Rye, the executive director of the Congressional Black Caucus made this bugfuck crazy statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, on June 10th, 2012.  (To her defence, she made the statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, so we know that absolutely no one heard it.)  She went on to add that when critics of President Barack Hussein Obama (who remains a devoutly non-Muslim American) call him "cool", they are expressing racist sentiments.

Whew!

Just when The Lifeguard thought that he might be a racist, Angela Rye comes along and makes one of the most insane comments ever.  Ever.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard never thought of President Obama as cool.

Never.

Asshat!

Great Shortstop

But, what an asshat.  After praising the Maximum Leader, Fidel Castro, Miami Marlins' manager, Ozzie Guillen, has had to face down criticism from Miami's Cuban community for his outrageously stupid remarks.

Guillen admires Castro?  What a dumbass.  What sort of a fuckwit makes that statement in Miami?  Oh, wait.  That would be Ozzie Guillen.

The Lifeguard would like to know what Guillen thinks about Hitler, Stalin, fags, and whether Hanley Ramirez will have a monster year.

Actually, The Lifeguard only cares about what Guillen thinks about what happens between the foul lines.  The rest?  He should just shut the fuck up.

Also, a tool.

Spreading Santorum

The former Pennsylvania senator says that Obama is preferable to Romney.

And you thought that Newt Gingrich was a fool.

Speedos!

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
• At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
• So was Huntsman.
• ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
• Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
• Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
• George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
• Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
• These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
• Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
• No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
• Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
• Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

HFWTFMF?!?

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!

Speedos!

Debate Recap



On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)


Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.


As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.


Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  


So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.


Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.


Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"


Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.


Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.


Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)


Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  


This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)


While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)


There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)


So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

Here you go...

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been watching the news with great fascination. This is truly an amazing time to be alive, and it is easy to miss the high-speed changes going on in the world. Thankfully, The Lifeguard is on duty. Fortunately, The Lifeguard saves. (Sort of like Jesus, without the beard, the disciples, the miracles, and the angry mob calling for his head. Well, maybe without the first three.)

Wisconsin, the Midwest state with the highest per-pupil spending ($10,791.00 per pupil), is facing a budget crisis that has galvanized the country. Governor Walker (R-WI) has indicated that teachers need to contribute to their medical insurance and retirement. Their union has objected. Governor Walker has suggested that the teachers lose their right to collectively bargain. The union has gone positively batshit. Teachers have staged a strike, of sorts, and have gathered at the capitol to protest. Democrat legislators, whose job it is to legislate, have staged their own strike by leaving the state.

And, while it may seem like a good idea to close down the government (because it keeps them from spending money), it short circuits the democratic process. Indeed, the teachers may have shot themselves in their collective foot by drawing attention to their salaries, their benefits, and their job performance. Fully two-thirds of Wisconsin's eighth graders are not proficient readers.

Indeed, this is not only a Wisconsin issue. Across the nation, teachers are failing to teach children to read, while the federal government continues to funnel money to failing schools. (In FY 2008, the federal government gave $670 million to the State of Wisconsin for school funding.)

If education were truly important, and students were learning, this would be considered a solid investment in America's future. Instead, it seems to be another example of the profligate waste that plagues American government.

Rather than spending money of anti-bullying programmes and multicultural education, money should be spent on helping teachers do their jobs better. If this means firing non-performing teachers, then fire them. If this means getting rid of top-heavy administrations, then trim those jobs. Spending on education is at an all-time high, and the problem is not getting better. Indeed, it seems that the problem is not with the amount of money being spent, but how it is being used by the states.

The Lifeguard has made numerous pronouncements in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. Teachers should be encouraged to teach fundamental skills, in whatever way works for their students. They shouldn't be evaluated by ill-trained or over-worked minions; but, rather, should be evaluated by outside teams of professionals. A twenty-year teacher, with stellar performance should not be graded by an individual without the same level of training and experience. A teacher should not be granted tenure just because they have stayed out of trouble for three years. Tenure should mean something more than it does now.

Professionals, with an aptitude for education should be welcomed into the ranks of teachers, regardless of whether they have taken college education courses, or passed a certification exam. A chemical engineer who wishes to teach high school chemistry, for instance, should be permitted to teach without having to go back to college. The Lifeguard recalls an uncle who taught high school maths after an illustrious career in the Air Force, without having to return to college for education classes.

Finally, the education establishment needs to look at new ways of providing their unique service, whether it is through same-sex academies, charter schools, or on-line education. There is no reason that, for $180,000 per class, schools can't deliver a quality product for all of their clients.

HFWTFMF?!?

She Died For The American Dream

The Lifeguard is not really sure where the tragedy lies in the story of Claudia Aderotimi, an English woman who traveled to the United States for ass implants.

Is the tragedy that Aderotimi was willing to let someone inject silicone into her ass so that she could get more action in the world of rap videos? Is it that she had the work done at a Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia airport? Is it that she had the work done previously? Or, is it that more than one person has died from this procedure?

Seriously, who in the crikey fuck lets some unlicenced shitweasel they found online get near their ass with a tube of silicone and a spatula? Who gives that person $1,800.00 to complete the work? Why is The Lifeguard asking this question?

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard is an ass man. (When he walks down the street, people scream, "Hey, you're an ass, man!") But, The Lifeguard does not want a woman with a tube of Dow Corning's finest shoved up her ass. (Or, injected, for that matter.) And, frankly, if there are women out there who seek a big ass, The Lifeguard can help them out for far less money than Aderotimi paid. Similarly, The Lifeguard is prepared to help out the women who seek a firm, tight ass.

Oh, sure. It'll take time. It'll take money. But, The Lifeguard gets results.

HFWTFMF?!?

"Vegas Whore!"
The Lifeguard was contacted recently by a fan.

"What does 'HFWTFMF' mean?" she asked.

The Lifeguard told her.

"Well," she asked (after the wails of laughter had subsided), "when does one use this?"

So, Mel Gibson, one of The Lifeguard's favourite actors is caught out calling his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is probably a Russian spy, a horrible actress, a gold-digger, or all three) a "...Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore." He also used other epithets, including the so-called "N-word."

Now, aside from the fact that Mr. Gibson wants his chick to be a lady in public and a wanton whore in the bedroom, The Lifeguard can not really figure out what the problem is. Oh, wait, Ms. Grigorieva recorded the conversation, then released it to the press. What an ungrateful bitch. Not only does Mr. Gibson give the Russian one hell of a recommendation for her acting career, he also gave (or will give) her many millions of dollars for spitting out a child. His child. She also gets some scratch from Timothy Dalton (the Welsh James Bond) for being the mother of his child.

"I vass affraid he'd beat me," Grigorieva said. (Probably.) "I vass affraid that my acting career vould end up like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ."

Twunt.

Sure, people in relationships argue. They say some mean-ass shit. Stuff that might be a basis for breaking up with the person. Generally, however, this mean-ass shit is not recorded, then released to the press.

So, when Mel Gibson woke to the news that his Vegas whore had not only taped their fight, but released it to the press, he screamed, "Holy fuck! What the fuck, motherfucker?!?"

He also learned a valuable lesson: "Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod. Never nod when you can wink."

Oh, and next time you bang someone, wear a condom.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard is buying the entire Mel Gibson collection.

Wh-wh-what?

I'm Pretty Sure...
that there didn't need to be eight ways to ask The Lifeguard if he was, in some form, Hispanic.

The Lifeguard was responding to the decennial census, as mandated by the United States Constitution (Article 1, Section 2), and nearly shit when faced with the following questions:

[The Lifeguard paraphrases...]

"Are you Hispanic?"

"Cuban?"

"Puerto Rican?"

"Chicano?"

"Some other Hispanic? (e.g., Argentinian, Chilean, Salvadoran, Costa Rican, et al.)"

"Are you white?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Why in the crikey fuck do we need to know precisely how many Argentinians, Koreans, Hmongs, or Guamians are in the country? [Rhetorical question.]

If we were asking in order to pre-plan the return airline tickets back to these countries, The Lifeguard might feel better about the extreme specificity; but, The Lifeguard knows that this is merely a means by which the government largess is divvied up amongst the raft(load) of minorities living in this country.

Maybe if the Census Bureau got back to taking a head count, there would be fewer problems, fewer dollars spent, and fewer race-based government programs.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

And The Lifeguard Wept...

I Hate Norway!
Barack Hussein Obama, America's 44th President, who is also not a Muslim, won the 2009 Edition of the Nobel Peace Prize. Said one member of the committee, Olaf Knudsen, "We gave the award to President Obama because he hates America as much as we do. He is just like Jimmy Carter."

Yes, great. BHO gets a cool mill (after taxes), gets a medal, and guarantees himself a steady stream of invites from the likes of other America haters such as Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro (and don't forget Fidel), and any other tin-pot dictator who laments America's (or the West's) pre-eminence in the world.

I mean, really...why BHO (except for the fact that he talks a good game)?

President Reagan defeated communism. President Bush 41 presided over the dismantling of the Berlin Wall (and formed a coalition of nations to kick Saddam Hussein's ass back to Baghdad). President Clinton got tons of ass. (Literally, tons of ass. I mean, really, did you see Monica Lewinsky?) President Bush 43 finished the job his father started, forming another coalition, enforcing 17 breached UN Resolutions, and driving a murdering, raping thug from power. Did any of these guys get the Nobel? Not a chance.

Instead, President Obama wins it.

If he were really that smart, really that patriotic, he'd have told the Nobel Committee that he didn't want their stinking medal. Instead, a president with nearly no accomplishments in nearly a year in office takes the medal, shits on America, and gives the post-American world something to cheer.

The sad part? There is no where to run. No where to hide.

For their efforts, The Nobel Committee wins the coveted "Dumbass of the Week" award. Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, this award comes with absolutely nothing but The Lifeguard's scorn and ridicule.

HFWTFMF!

The Chevrolet HHR...

The Lifeguard rented one of these beauties when he was on holiday. It was ugly, uncomfortable, shoddily assembled, ugly, underpowered, (most assuredly) overpriced, cramped, ugly, lacking storage, and ugly. There is no doubt in my mind that the woes at The General are due, in large part, to the fuckwits who designed cars like this one.

Really, as much as The Lifeguard wants to blame the unions for the decline of the American automobile industry, I just can not. It is the fault of the designers who cobbled together this abortion (and others like it). In fact, this car was surely supposed to be a Chevy Tahoe...before it was aborted in the second trimester.

I was happy to have the vacation end so that I could turn in this piece of crap.

Can't Understand Normal Thinking...

Obviously Her Momma Didn't Tell Her...
that she should be more respectful of men (and women) who serve our great nation under arms. (Or, that she shouldn't be such a snot-nosed bitch.)

Brigadier General Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, was testifying before Senator Barbara Boxer's (D*-CA) committee, and he erred on the side of protocol, referring to her as, "Ma'am."

She stopped him, and upbraided him for not calling her "senator."



Notwithstanding the fact that even the Queen of England is properly addressed as "ma'am" (and she worked pretty hard for the title, too), this bit of snottiness demonstrates Boxer's contempt for the military (and the rest of us common folk).

And, she will not apologise.

It sort of reminds me of the time that I got booted out of a Constitutional Law class for saying, "Yes, ma'am" in response to a female professor's question.

Professor: "What did you call me?"

Lifeguard: [Still waking up.] "Huh?"

Professor: "Did you just say 'yes, ma'am' to me?"

Lifeguard: "Yes, ma'am."

Professor: "Please leave my classroom. That is offensive."

Lifeguard: [Stunned.] "You are kicking me out of your class for being polite?"

Professor: "I am kicking you out of my class for being sexist."

I spent the next several days, banned from her classroom, lobbying various members of the administration for support. Finally, a deal was struck where I offered (and she accepted) my non-apology. She never required my participation in class, never called on me, and I ended the year with a B.

*Dumbass

[Ed. note: The picture above was taken while the good senator was discussing what she saw when she walked in on The Lifeguard in the men's room at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. (We won't say any more about why I was at the convention, or why she was in the men's room.) Let's just say that Barbara calls me, "sir."]

HFWTFMF?

AT LEAST NERO PLAYED THE FIDDLE...

President Barack Hussein Obama--who is not a Muslim--took his baby mama to The Big Apple, for dinner and the theatre. (How sweet.) At least he didn't take the big plane, which had scared the shit out of thousands of New Yorkers earlier this year. And, since he went on the cheap, it only cost The Lifeguard (and the American taxpayer) about $45,000.00.

The best part, however, is that our star pupil did this on the eve of General Motors' Chapter 11 filing.

You know, right about the time that thousands of Democrat voters are sweating the details that may land them on the unemployment line, the Maximum Leader is eating, drinking and making merry with the First Lady.

What a tool.

And, for his unbelievable sense of noblesse oblige, President Obama (and Baby Mama Obama) win The Lifeguard's vote for "Dumbasses of the Week."

Congratulations!

Photo Oops!

What Is It With Muslims And Airplanes (And New York City)?
President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not a Muslim) wanted a shot of a VC-25--the military variant of the Boeing 747 (more commonly referred to as Air Force One)--flying over New York City.

Rather than have his best and brightest PhotoShop something, his best and brightest arranged to have Air Force One fly low--really low--over New York City (with at least one F.16 apparently in pursuit). Oh, and White House Military Office Director, Louis Caldera, called everyone...except for Mayor Michael Bloomberg (and the thousands of people scared shitless by the sound of a low-flying jet over Manhattan.)

Instead of generating massive amounts of pride in their country, the flyover generated massive amounts of panic and cost scads in lost productivity.

For this incredible waste of taxpayer money (and the good will of the good citizens of New York City), The Lifeguard gives President Obama (and his personal douche) the "Dumbass of the Week" Award.

Are They Kidding?

"How About 'Blow Me, PETA'?"

Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, better known as the Pet Shop Boys, gave PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) the finger, rejecting a proposal that the band change its name to "Rescue Shelter Boys."

Which makes me wonder, is PETA still relevant?

Are the Pet Shop Boys still relevant?

Does anyone, aside from Chris Lowe, Neil Tennant, and PETA even give a rat's arse?

The Lifeguard is guessing that the answer is, "No."