Speedos!

He's Back!

And now, Speedos!

• The Lifeguard continues to train for the 2012 Olympics.  (Practicing the breast stroke is demanding, and requires a ridiculously large number of training partners.  Please contact The Lifeguard if you are interested in helping him train.)
• The real story of last week was not the ruling on ObamaCare, but the decision in United States v. Alvarez, 567 US __ (2012).  The Court held, 6-3 that the so-called "Stolen Valor Act" (which makes it a crime to falsely claim receipt of military decorations or medals) is unconstitutional as it violated respondents rights under the First Amendment.  The Lifeguard noted that no one talked to Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)
• If, however, it is okay to lie about your military service, then it must also be okay to lie about your health care plan.  
• In the Affordable Care Act case, Chief Justice John Roberts managed to offend everyone by writing the majority decision in National Federation of Independent Businesses v. Sebelius, 567 US __ (2012).  In this 1-4-4 decision, Chief Justice Roberts reigns in Congress's power under the Commerce Clause (as well as the Necessary and Proper Clause and the General Welfare Clause), calls a spade a spade (i.e., "a tax a tax"), and pisses off Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  It's a veritable trifecta for The Lifeguard.  (The Lifeguard gives respect to Bradley Joondeph, Professor of Law at Santa Clara University.  While I don't necessarily agree that this was the Marbury of our time, I do appreciate the significance of the Chief Justice's legal reasoning.)
• Even more significant, the Chief Justice's statement that it is not the Court's responsibility to make political decisions.  To put it more plainly, if you don't like crap like the ACA (and it's ricockulously huge tax increase), then vote the bums out of office in November.
• The Lifeguard has always maintained that Election Day is the day that we hold our elected representatives accountable for all of their lies and bullshit.  (Sadly, we do not avail ourselves of this opportunity as often as we should.)
• The Lifeguard came pretty damn close on his prediction regarding the vote whether to hold AG Eric "I'm A Douchebag" Holder in Contempt of Congress.  Like, within the "margin of error" close.  
• People who drink 3+ cups of coffee a day have a lower risk of a common skin cancer, says a Brigham and Women's Hospital study.  The Lifeguard is on his way to Starbuck's for a venti bold black (with no room for cream).
• Oh, and a special thanks to this guy for the above picture.

Ciao, baby!

Final Countdown...

Dumb and Dumber

Thursday can't get here soon enough.

SCOTUS will issue their decision on ObamaCare (which is a gross Obamanation), and the House will vote to hold Attorney General Holder in contempt of Congress.  (The Lifeguard wonders why we can't hold Congress in contempt of us, but that's a question for another day.  November 6, to be exact.)

The Lifeguard predicts that it's gonna be a good day.  

SCOTUS strikes down ObamaCare, 6-3.

Holder gets spanked, 251-184.

(But don't hold The Lifeguard to that.)

Olympic Struggle...

The Lifeguard Is Going To London!

While Michael Phelps did qualify for his fourth Olympics, The Lifeguard was exceptional in his premier event, the breast stroke.

In fact, The Lifeguard managed to complete the event (with his medley partner, Candace) in a record 2:47.32.  With any luck, The Lifeguard will break the elusive three-hour mark this summer, in London.

Maybe Tom Jones will sing the US National Anthem.

Justice

Guilty!

From the showers at Penn State to the showers at the State Pen!

Ex-Penn State coach, Jerry Sandusky, is convicted by a Happy Valley jury of 45 counts of sex abuse.  Or rape.  (Whatever you want to call it, it's fucking awful.

The Pennsylvania prison system's football team is getting another tight end, and he's excited.  (Not as excited as his cell mates, but excited nevertheless.)

Speedos!

Not Guilty

The last (mostly sports) edition of Speedos! was not well received.  The Lifeguard suspects that it was because of the tasteless (in some circles) WWII reference (regarding the Russia v. Poland football match), or because there were no pictures of hot chicks kissing each other.

• Former Red Sox et al. fastballer, Roger Clemens was found not guilty, in his  retrial, by a jury of eight women and four men.  Following a ten week trial, the jury deliberated for a total of ten hours before rendering their verdict.  Apparently, the jury found the government's case to be lacking.  (Or, they were fed up by the colossal waste of time, money, and resources spent by said government chasing people who might have used performance-enhancing drugs.)
• If you are a government lawyer, and you can't get Guiltys on Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens, you should swallow the pipe.  Seriously, you can't get a guilty verdict on two of the biggest assholes in baseball?  You get a second shot at Clemens, and you can't convict?  What a fucking douche.
• Speaking of fucking douches, who are talentless lawyers, Attorney General Eric Holder continues his dance with Congressman Darrell Issa (R-CA).  Of course, Holder probably figures that if the government can't convict well-known assholes like Bonds and Clemens, he's gonna go scot-free, regardless of what he does.
• If it's racist to call President Obama "cool", isn't "scot-free" also offensive?
• If Congress can prosecute people who lie to them, why can't the people prosecute Congress for lying to us.  (Actually, we can.  It's called "Election Day.")
• [UPDATE]  Adidas cancels "Shackle Shoes."  For the wrong reason.
• President Barack Hussein Obama (who did not cross the border illegally) stirred the shit by appearing to bow to Felipe Calderon, the Mexican president.  But, giving BHO the benefit of the doubt, it may have something to do with the fact that Calderon is about two feet shorter than the Preezy of the Heezy.
• Speaking of the PotH, is The Lifeguard the only one who is appalled by the recent decision to not deport 18-30 year olds?  Really?  Sure, they say that these immigrants are only getting work permits, not citizenship. Of course, their anchor babies will be born as US citizens.  And, since the policy is to "keep families together," there isn't a single person going home.  (In other words, "Welcome to America" to about 10 million people.)
• In defence of the PotH, they'll probably all vote Democrat.
• There are few countries that are more fucked up than Syria.  (Sure, North Korea and most of the countries in Africa are fucked up, but Syria is fucked up in prime time.)
• The world might need a man like President Obama.  America most certainly does not.
• A Bedford County (Virginia) dog received a voter registration form in the mail.  The dog was dead.  Thank God all of those illegals that Obama just let in last Friday won't be able to vote.  
• The Lifeguard just learned of the all-girls school, in Quebec, where a hypnosis demonstration went awry, leaving all of the girls in a trance.  The Lifeguard is sorry he missed it.  Wait!  The girls were 12 and 13.  Never mind.  
• R. Kelly is really sorry he missed it.

That's enough for now, y'all.

Have a great day.

Pumped up kicks...

Slaves Preferred Nikes

Another item in the "You Can't Make This Shit Up" department:

German shoe manufacturer, Adidas, is planning a hot new pair of shoes, the JS Roundhouse Mids.  Of course, there is outrage because they are the ugliest fucking trainers The Lifeguard has ever seen.

Wait!  Actually, the outrage is over the bright orange shackles, which critics have compared to the ankle bracelets worn by slaves, prisoners, and members of a chain gang.  Of course, the controversy a clever advertising ploy by Adidas, to build interest for the hideous shoes.  Noted one Adidas lover, "People put their wallets or keys on chains, why not their shoes?  And, at these prices, you'll want to keep your Felony Flyers close.  What better way than ankle bracelets and chains?"

Do we really have to make these shoes about slavery?  The real crime is that people who can ill-afford shoes that make a fashion statement will shell out money so that they can look cool.  (Apologies to Angela Rye.  The Lifeguard had forgotten the "cool" is a racist term.)

Meanwhile, youths in Detroit have already started lining up to pre-order these ugly-ass shoes.

Happy Father's Day!

This Is What The Lifeguard Got For Father's Day

That's one hell of a present, don't you think?

Anyway, The Lifeguard has to go and unwrap his gift, so Happy Father's Day to y'all.

HFWTFMF?!?

Yikes!

The Lifeguard had to go to the local office of the Social Security Administration to get a replacement  Social Security card.  There, The Lifeguard discovered the reason why their slogan is, "You think the DMV is bad?  Welcome to the Ninth Level of Hell."

In a room full of fat people--adults and children--and immigrants, The Lifeguard found himself thinking that Mayor Michael Bloomberg just might be right.  This was not a room of people in need of information regarding Social Security benefits, this was a room filled with people in need of a gym membership and a low-carb diet.  (At the very least, a shitload of duct tape with which to cover their over-active pie-holes.)

Honestly, doesn't the inability to wear clothes with buttons, zippers, or clasps signal a need to eschew the 72 ounce Coke?  Doesn't the fact that you can't walk 10 feet without getting winded indicate a need for fewer Big Macs (and more fruits)?  And, why must The Lifeguard struggle to get down a supermarket aisle when a fleshy behemoth is astride the powered shopping scooter, blocking all comers from the Twinkies, Oreos, and fudgie things?

The Lifeguard is not opposed to people who are overweight (and trying to lose those extra pounds), just to those who simply don't give a shit about their personal appearance.

And the canes.  Oh, the canes.  (The Lifeguard noted the close proximity of Canes 'R' Us to the office.)

Witness the hirsute fat cat (wearing a too-small Guinea-Tee), cane in hand, talking to his spawn.  (Four overweight children, boys in shorts and wife-beaters, girls in stretch pants that were stretched to the breaking point.)

[Fat Boy]:  Dad, I want to play a game.  (On an iPhone.)

[Fat Girl]:  It's my turn.

[Fat Boy]:  Then, I get to play X-Box.  I want a cheeseburger.

And, for the record, how is it that everyone at the Social Security office has an iPhone?  Really.  How?  

After arriving at 9:30am, and taking a number (which, according to the board, was the next number to be called), The Lifeguard watched no fewer than ten people waltz up to the only staffed window in the place.  (The Lifeguard must have arrived at public sector union break time, because he could see three other people toiling away at Soduku, the crossword, and examination of their horoscopes.)

Finally, The Lifeguard's number was called a mere 60 minutes later, and his paperwork was processed quickly, efficiently, and without an intelligible word of English being spoken by the clerk.

There can only be one solution to this nightmare, and The Lifeguard has it.

He just has to sober up from the post-SSA bender.

The Lifeguard's got game.

The Lifeguard Plans To Take The Cinnamon Challenge...

It involves eating Cinnamon. 

The Lifeguard is eschewing the water and the 60 second time limit, however.

Here is a picture of Cinnamon.

The Lifeguard is not a racist.

Huh?

In the wake of an awful political advertisement saying that he's got the back of the black community, Obamapologist Angela Rye upped the ante in the politics of race by coming out with the absolutely absurd statement that Obama's difficulties in office come because he is black.  (Aside from the fact that the commercial and the statements are just plain idiotic, a white person could never run that ad, or make that statement, without being called the worst sort of names.)

Angela Rye, the executive director of the Congressional Black Caucus made this bugfuck crazy statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, on June 10th, 2012.  (To her defence, she made the statement on C-SPAN's Q&A, so we know that absolutely no one heard it.)  She went on to add that when critics of President Barack Hussein Obama (who remains a devoutly non-Muslim American) call him "cool", they are expressing racist sentiments.

Whew!

Just when The Lifeguard thought that he might be a racist, Angela Rye comes along and makes one of the most insane comments ever.  Ever.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard never thought of President Obama as cool.

Never.

HFWTFMF?!?

Speedos!

Another installment of the most anticipated political and social commentary in the world.  The world.

• President Barack Hussein Obama (who, like Auntie Zeituni, is a Kenyan living in public housing) gave his "steak dinner" speech.  What a douche.
• The Global Attitudes Project did a survey on world opinion of President Obama, and found that the world has "cooled" on the president.  (At least something he's done has involved "cooling."  That should take care of the level of the oceans, too.)
• The Oklahoma City Thunder beat the Miami Heat to go up 1-0 in the NBA Championships.  Does anyone care?  Could there be two more uninteresting teams in the NBA?  (Actually, there are 30 uninteresting teams in the NBA.)
• Alex Rodriguez tied Lou Gehrig for the most grand slams in MLB history.  His 23d grand slam gave him 639 home runs, bringing him within 21 taters of Willie Mays.  He is 5th on the all-time home run list.
• Russia and Poland drew 1-1 in the Euro 2012 Championship (in Warsaw), following a second half goal by the Polish captain, Jakub Blaszczykowski.  All things considered, this was a far better outcome than the last time Poland and Russia met up in Poland.
• Game 1 of the NBA finals involved teams scoring 197 more points than the Russia v. Poland match.  That still wasn't enough to keep The Lifeguard's attention.
• Attorney General Eric Holder refuses to pony up "Fast and Furious" documents, and has clearly been lying to Congress.  And yet, few have the balls to call for his resignation.  The government is trying to send Roger Clemens to jail for lying to Congress, and AG Holder gets a pass.

That's all for now.  The Lifeguard has to get to taikonaut training.

Today, we're practicing re-entries.

Wang.

The Real Mile High Club

The Lifeguard, upon learning that China is going to start sending its unwanted females into space, has taken the first step in fulfilling his dream of joining the 200 Mile High Club.

The Lifeguard had the physical, took the test, and has been accepted into the Chinese space program.  That's right, The Lifeguard is going to be a "taikonaut."

The Lifeguard will be meeting up with the two women selected for taikonaut training next week, where there will be launch and re-entry practice.  A lot of practice.

You may feel free to call The Lifeguard by his new Chinese name:  Wang Dong.

A modest proposal.

China's Alternative To Forced Abortions

Either Captain Wang Yaping (l) or Major Liu Yang (r) will go into space on the Shenzhou-9 spacecraft.  (Shenzhou-1 through 8 were, apparently, colossal failures, hence the fact that this one is called "Shenzhou-9.")

If this works out, China will no longer have to encourage families to put their daughters up for adoption, or to force abortions or sterilizations.  Instead, China can just send those unwanted girls into space.

(Safe) Sex and the City.

Sex and the City Star Sarah Jessica Parker Speaks

"Anna Wintour (editor of Vogue) and I are so excited to be hosting a dinner party for the president," said Parker.

Parker brayed, "I just can't believe that I'll get a chance to do this for President Obama (who remains, quite furiously, not a Kenyan-born Muslim) the same week that I get a shot at the elusive Triple Crown."

Said the actress, "My love of running goes hand in hand with the First Lady's commitment to physical fitness."

Unfortunately, the TV star had to cut her interview with The Lifeguard short.  It seems that she was...a little hoarse.

Reminds The Lifeguard of a joke.

Take Back The Land!

Massachusetts Democrat Senate candidate, Elizabeth Warren (a/k/a Fauxcahontas), mother of the Occupy Movement, teacher of one class at Harvard Law School, and the first woman to ever breast-feed during the New Jersey Bar Exam gets caught in one more embarrassing situation.  (Well, embarrassing if she had any shame.)

It seems that years after the white man took Warren's ancestor's tribal lands, the dsitaff Ward Churchill got even by buying and flipping foreclosed properties, often for a significant profit.  And, she who has railed against the excessive power and predatory lending practices of big banks, got the advantage of no-interest loans (from Harvard) and gave loans (at higher rates of interest) to her family members.

So, Elizabeth Warren and Alan Dershowitz walk into Foxwoods, and they are immediately surrounded by hundreds of angry braves, armed with tomahawks, rifles, and knives.

Dershowitz turns to Warren and says, "I think we're in trouble, Elizabeth."

She replies, "What you mean 'we', white man?"

Can't Get Enough!

Rachel Maddow Discusses

The Lifeguard

And, since a picture is worth a thousand words, this is all the information you need.

[Ed. Note:  For those readers in the Islamic Republic of Iran, The Lifeguard promises to find more pictures of hot lesbians for your viewing pleasure.  After all, if you're going to go to some Iranian prison for looking at girls, you should get something better than Maddow.]

Isn't it ironic?

Irony Redux
At the Massachusetts State Democrat Convention, delegates were required to show a photo ID to enter the building; but, Democrats oppose any legislation that requires a photo ID to vote.


It's sort of like rain, on your wedding day.


A free ride, when you've already paid.

Speak softly...

And Carry A Big...Um...Stick.

The last two Democrat presidents take a minute to answer questions about The Lifeguard.

(They were hoping for questions about the economy, but that didn't quite work out for them.)

Speedos!

How Else Can The Lifeguard Get Your Attention?

Well, with awesome commentary on the news of the world, of course.  (The pictures that appeal to the prurient interest don't hurt, either.)

• Yesterday, it was reported that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not a Kenyan-born Muslim) flies his barber in from Chicago.  Twice a month.  I guess he couldn't find a barber who can cut "black hair" in Washington, D.C.  Thank Christ he's not delaying flights at the airport to get a haircut.  
• Another day, another failed Green Energy company.  First Solar (FSLR) dropped 6.3% on May 31, 2012, bringing losses for the month to a cool 40%.  Thank Christ they only got about $3 billion in loan guarantees.
• John Edwards, the disgraced former North Carolina senator (and one-time vice presidential candidate) was acquitted on one count and got a hung jury on the other counts of campaign finance violations.  The judge declared a mistrial, and the government will decline a second attempt to convict.  If only Roger Clemens were as likable as John Edwards.  Wait!  They are both assholes.  Okay, so if Roger Clemens had only been the vice presidential candidate.  Or, had a father who was a mill worker.  Or, a wife who died of cancer.  No, all he did was win SEVEN CY YOUNG AWARDS.
• The Lifeguard thinks that the government should have given The Rocket a pass after the first mistrial.  (As it seems they are going to do with John Edwards.)
• Watching Fox News, whose chiron refers to the Scripps National Spelling Bee as the "Scripts National Spelling Bee."  Seriously?
• Florida officials are chastised (and threatened by the DoJ) for purging voter rolls of illegal voters.  What?  Since when is protecting the currency of American citizenship against the law?  (Rhetorical question, don't answer.)  Aw, hell, The Lifeguard will go ahead and answer it anyway.  "When we elected a Kenyan-born president."
• Apparently, it's okay to say anything to get invited to a luncheon.  (Or, get elected to the presidency.)
• One of the iconic characters in the DC Comics stable, Green Lantern, is coming out of the closet.  Could this be a result of Joe Biden saying that he liked Green Lantern?  Because Ryan Reynolds was the star of Green Lantern?  Or, because Jim Parsons (who plays Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.) loves Green Lantern?
• Does this have anything to do with Justice League's recent abolition of Don't Ask Don't Tell?  Or, the granting of the right of Same Sex Marriage to Justice League members?
• Is the above picture actually Diana Prince with her lover?
• Can you believe that The Lifeguard devoted four bullets to this subject?
• The Lifeguard recently overheard someone saying that they were going to commit "Ghetto Suicide."  When The Lifeguard asked what that was, he said, "That's when I run into the projects shouting racial epitaphs."
• A middle school band director, who had been named "teacher of the year" was arrested for "sexting" with a 15 year old student.  The Lifeguard notes that the sex of the student is mentioned in paragraph three of the article.  (Because, in the first paragraph, they tell you he is the band director.)  He has been placed on administrative leave.  

It's Friday, people.  

The Lifeguard wishes you all a great weekend.

Now, where is Diana Prince's effin' telephone number?

Fauxcahontas

"Me Told Heap Big Lie"

"Not so me get hired.  So me meet people," said Warren.

"Also, Lifeguard has heap big manhood.  We use schwanz to support buffalo hides for shelter at pow wow," commented the professor.  "Him this big."

Geraldo knows...

Bigger Than Al Capone's Safe

"I want to film The Lifeguard for a Fox News special, but I can't get Breashears and an IMAX camera to shoot it," said Geraldo.

Developing...

Another fan of The Lifeguard

Rachel Is So Impressed By The Lifeguard, She Has To Avert Her Eyes

But, she has a smile on her face.  

Thanks to The Lifeguard.

Don't kill the job...

Union Workers In Greece

Clean Up At The End Of The Day

The Lifeguard notes that this building was under construction the last time that he was in Greece.  Of course, it's a big project, and it's hard to get anything done when the union requires so many breaks for coffee, lunch, naps, ouzo, and harassment of women walking by the site.

The good news for the Athenian citizenry?  The project is scheduled for completion in 2123.

The Lifeguard is clearly a lesbian...

Because He Hates Dick's

(Sporting Goods)

The Lifeguard went into Dick's Sporting Goods to pick up a few pair of socks.  Once inside, he realised that the store is aptly named, given that every single shopper and employee that The Lifeguard encountered was either a dick; or, they didn't know dick.

Seriously, it's a sporting goods store.  They can't find a couple of English-speaking sportos who want to work in the place?  Instead, The Lifeguard had to endure broken English, minimal math skills, and a personality that never started.  (And, to top it all off, she looked nothing like either of the nice young ladies in the above picture.)

The next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call Amazon.  (Actually, the next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call these two.)

Oh, yeah!

Kenya Give A Brother A Break?

With news of Obama's Kenyan birth (in his literary agent's bio), one fact looms large:

The true fail was within the so-called Birther Movement.

Speedos!

KENYA!

The Lifeguard offers another installment of the most anticipated commentary on life, politics, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and sex.  Speedos!

• Eduardo Saverin (of Facebook fame) relinquished his American citizenship in September, 2011, becoming a citizen of Singapore.  A few days later, the plans for the Facebook IPO became public, and it became obvious that Ed had flown the coop to avoid about $67 million in taxes.  And, while The Lifeguard thinks that Ed is an ungrateful douche, The Lifeguard says, "Good on ya, mate!"  (The Lifeguard also hopes that Ed gets caught tagging a building.)
• That having been said,  The Lifeguard thinks that Senator Putzhead's EX-PATRIOT Act legislation might just be a Bill of Attainder.  Of course, The Lifeguard does realise that the constitutional whizzes in our government might have missed their law school class on that day.
• President Obama's relatives (pictured above) line up for their driving tests at the Massachusetts RMV office (just outside Nairobi).
• When The Lifeguard was running the Boston Marathon, he saw an awful lot of T-Shirts emblazoned with the flag of President Obama's homeland.  (Which is, of course, America.)
• The news of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still neither Muslim nor Kenyan) having been described as "...born in Kenya..." (by his literary agent) is troubling to The Lifeguard (for many reasons).  First, it shows that President Obama is either corrupt (for lying to sell a story) or stupid (for not catching his agent's gaffe).  Second, it demonstrates the depth of the mainstream media's hatred for President Bush The Younger.  (How did the media miss--or hide--this shit, and why?)  And, finally, how did President Obama ever get a teaching position at the University of Chicago Law School?  (Don't answer that.  It's a rhetorical question.)
• As a Senior Lecturer at the University of Chicago, President Obama taught two more courses a year than US Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren teaches at Harvard Law School.
• The Lifeguard was talking to a Canadian friend, who related a story about a conversation with an American who asked, "What's a 'Canada'?"  (Answer:  A hat, worn by an 'America.')
• California Governor, Jerry Brown, is salivating over the Facebook IPO.  All of those new millionaires equal scads of additional tax revenue for his near-bankrupt state.  Money which will, no doubt, go straight down some Sacramento rat hole.
• It seems that The Lifeguard was correct in his assessment of the Trayvon Martin shooting.  Not only did The Lifeguard suggest that Martin was the aggressor, he also suggested that Martin may have been jonesin' for some Skittles.

That's all for now, friends.

Have a great day.

Her Obsession Continues!

More About The Lifeguard's Big Stick

"The Lifeguard is a lot like Teddy Roosevelt.  He carries a big stick," said the FLOTUS.

 Apparently, her husband, America's first gay president, was also impressed.  

Just remember, Mr. President.  The Lifeguard doesn't play for that team.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

Size Matters...

Barack May Have A Big Stick, But The Lifeguard Has A Bigger...Um...Stick.

The First Lady was at some fundraiser, and she walked in on The Lifeguard as he was tucking in his lifesaving...equipment.

She screamed.

Her security detail came running.

The Lifeguard was escorted out of the building.

Something about The Lifeguard "packing a weapon."

Mom!!!

The Lifeguard Wishes All Mothers A Happy Mother's Day

As is now tradition, The Lifeguard will spend the day volunteering with unwed teenage moms.  (Helping them get their start, of course.)

Speedos!

This May Be The Next Most Popular Picture From This Blog

Welcome, y'all!  It's been a while since the last installment of Speedos, but there has been a lot happening.  So, here's The Lifeguard's package for today.

• The Lifeguard doesn't give a fuck that Giuliana Rancic is pregnant...because she's not.  Her surrogate, however, is pregnant.  What has the world come to when some D-List celebrity sucks up so much of the media spotlight?
• 42% of Americans will be obese by 2030?  Don't act surprised.  The Lifeguard thinks that 42% of Americans are already there.
• Washington, DC is going to start using more expensive Trojan condoms in their HIV prevention programs.  Apparently kids have complained that the generic condoms were "too small."  (What kid doesn't think that he's hung like a moose?)  The Lifeguard can only hope that Congress will start using condoms the next time they screw us.
• Harvard Law professor (and senatorial candidate) Elizabeth Warren is 1/32d Cherokee (because she has high cheekbones).  Does that make The Lifeguard half Jewish and half black?  (After all, people have told The Lifeguard that he has a big nose and a huge cock.)
• Given The Lifeguard's heritage, does that mean that he'll get hired by Harvard Law School?  (Note to Harvard.  Pay The Lifeguard $350,000.00 and he'll teach two classes.)
• Al Qaeda can design a bomb to fit in a camera case, or a pair of underwear?  Why can't Al Qaeda turn some of that ingenuity toward peace?  And, God help them if they ever put a bomb in Fido.  PETA and the ASPCA will kill every last one of them.  
• John Travolta being sued for sexual harassment by two men?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Shocked!
• The most recent underwear bomb plot was undone by a double-agent who had infiltrated the group planning the attack.  And now, because someone can't keep their fucking mouth shut, we have not only lost that asset in TWAT (The War Against Terror), we have put at risk the brave men and women who work within allied intelligence services.
• Why do the majority of searches for pictures of lesbians and fat women (on this blog) originate in Iran?
• God, how The Lifeguard misses The Cold War.  At least the threat was quantifiable, identifiable, and verifiable.  Plus, the Soviets were just as prone to enjoying life as we are.  Instead, we are dealing with a bunch of bugfuck crazy religious fanatics, longing to leave this world for paradise and 72 Virginians.  

Off to make the world a better place.

Ciao!

Laughing...

Photography Fail

Is someone trying to make a statement about Qatar Airways?  Zagreb, Croatia?  Hmm?

Will someone never work again?  Hmm?

What?

Hoosier Dick?

Not Lugar.  (Consider this the Tea Party's version of gun control.)

Which prompted The Lifeguard to consider the following:

• If you were a thirty-six (36) year veteran of the US Senate, and you lost to a guy you outspent more than three-to-one ($6.7m to Mourdock's $2m), wouldn't you be a bit chastened?  And, if you are 80 years old, shouldn't you just go gracefully, not like a petulant child?
• The Senate is trading one Dick for another.  The Senate's Dick Quotient remains high.  (Some would say that the Dick Quotient is at 100%.)
• Does a Dick Armey carry a Dick Lugar?
• Did Obama's claim, "That he loved Dick," hurt Lugar among Evangelical Christians?  Did it help him in the gay community?
• If Mourdock loses to Democrat Joe Donnelly, Indiana's US Senate delegation will be "Dickless."

The Lifeguard will continue to follow this race, as The Lifeguard welcomes any opportunity to make dick jokes, or be in Diana.

[Ed. Note:  This is Diana.]

Word!

The Audacity Of The Dope

America got a lot of firsts with President Barack Hussein Obama.  Here are just a few.

• He is the first American president who is almost most-certainly not a Muslim.
• He is the first American president to spend time and money fighting the release of his birth certificate.
• He is the first white-African president.  (Hey, if George Zimmerman can be a white-Hispanic, why can't President Obama be a white-African?)
• He is the first American president to have not one, but two relatives living illegally in the United States.  (One of them, in public housing; and, the other, arrested recently for driving drunk.)
• He is the first American president to play nearly 100 rounds of golf in his first term.
• He has incurred more debt in less than four years in office than his predecessor did in eight (while fighting two wars, no less).  [Ed. Note:  This came from CBS News, so you know that it is probably true.]
• He is the first president to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden.  (And, he will remind us of the fact that he killed bin Laden and saved General Motors every time a camera is rolling.)  
• He is the first president to make The Lifeguard think that maybe...just maybe...Australia is a good place to live.  (Even Jimmy Carter couldn't do that.)

And, proof that The Lifeguard isn't alone, follow this link for a list of Obama's other historic firsts.

Natch...

WWMD?*

*What Would Mitt Do?

President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim and who was still not born in Kenya) "spiked the football" with respect to Osama bin Laden.  Obama intimated that Republican contender, Mitt Romney, would not have had the cojones to hunt down bin Laden, and a firestorm ensued.

Romney noted that, "[e]ven Jimmy Carter would have given that order."  (Jimmy Carter denied it.)

Said Mitt, "Not only would I have given the order to kill bin Laden, I'd have baptized him into the Mormon Church after he was dead."