Thursday, May 10, 2012


This May Be The Next Most Popular Picture From This Blog

Welcome, y'all!  It's been a while since the last installment of Speedos, but there has been a lot happening.  So, here's The Lifeguard's package for today.

  • The Lifeguard doesn't give a fuck that Giuliana Rancic is pregnant...because she's not.  Her surrogate, however, is pregnant.  What has the world come to when some D-List celebrity sucks up so much of the media spotlight?
  • 42% of Americans will be obese by 2030?  Don't act surprised.  The Lifeguard thinks that 42% of Americans are already there.
  • Washington, DC is going to start using more expensive Trojan condoms in their HIV prevention programs.  Apparently kids have complained that the generic condoms were "too small."  (What kid doesn't think that he's hung like a moose?)  The Lifeguard can only hope that Congress will start using condoms the next time they screw us.
  • Harvard Law professor (and senatorial candidate) Elizabeth Warren is 1/32d Cherokee (because she has high cheekbones).  Does that make The Lifeguard half Jewish and half black?  (After all, people have told The Lifeguard that he has a big nose and a huge cock.)
  • Given The Lifeguard's heritage, does that mean that he'll get hired by Harvard Law School?  (Note to Harvard.  Pay The Lifeguard $350,000.00 and he'll teach two classes.)
  • Al Qaeda can design a bomb to fit in a camera case, or a pair of underwear?  Why can't Al Qaeda turn some of that ingenuity toward peace?  And, God help them if they ever put a bomb in Fido.  PETA and the ASPCA will kill every last one of them.  
  • John Travolta being sued for sexual harassment by two men?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Shocked!
  • The most recent underwear bomb plot was undone by a double-agent who had infiltrated the group planning the attack.  And now, because someone can't keep their fucking mouth shut, we have not only lost that asset in TWAT (The War Against Terror), we have put at risk the brave men and women who work within allied intelligence services.
  • Why do the majority of searches for pictures of lesbians and fat women (on this blog) originate in Iran?
  • God, how The Lifeguard misses The Cold War.  At least the threat was quantifiable, identifiable, and verifiable.  Plus, the Soviets were just as prone to enjoying life as we are.  Instead, we are dealing with a bunch of bugfuck crazy religious fanatics, longing to leave this world for paradise and 72 Virginians.  
Off to make the world a better place.


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