Because He Hates Dick's
The Lifeguard went into Dick's Sporting Goods to pick up a few pair of socks. Once inside, he realised that the store is aptly named, given that every single shopper and employee that The Lifeguard encountered was either a dick; or, they didn't know dick.
Seriously, it's a sporting goods store. They can't find a couple of English-speaking sportos who want to work in the place? Instead, The Lifeguard had to endure broken English, minimal math skills, and a personality that never started. (And, to top it all off, she looked nothing like either of the nice young ladies in the above picture.)
The next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call Amazon. (Actually, the next time The Lifeguard needs something, he's going to call these two.)