PENN QUAKERS 22
HARVARD CRIMSON 13

In a game played using the severed head of UPenn president, Amy Gutman as a ball (which had been branded with a Nike Swoosh), the Quakers (which is, ironically, a peace-loving religion, entitled to Conscientious Objector status, and a religion that is completely banned in most Islamic countries) beat the Crimson.

The Islamic Student Association celebrated by detonating themselves in the Harvard student section, killing hundreds of innocents, and ensuring that the ISA would get to collect their allotment of 72 virgins apiece once they arrived in Paradise.

On a side note, the former Mullah of the ISA, Saad Saadi (the late Saad Saadi) was unavailable for comment. This may have something to do with the fact that he had previously blown himself up following a Halloween party at Penn President Amy Gutman's home.

Administrators at both Harvard and Penn praised diversity, and proclaimed that this was the best Ivy-League prank since the Yale Pep Club engineered a change in the cards handed out to Harvard students, so that the cards would spell out "We Suck!"

Reporting from Paradise, an ISA representative stated that he was excited that he would finally be able to get laid.