My Christmas Shopping Is Done!

One call, $549.99 to my Visa Card, and I am all set. For the first time in history, my Christmas shopping is complete before Thanksgiving.

How, you ask, did I complete this Herculean task? Stars, baby. The picture proves it. I bought ten stars for my closest, most intimate friends. They will be so happy when they open the card, tucked lovingly under the tree, and see that I have spent my hard-earned money on the most thoughtful and enduring gifts ever.

What child's face wouldn't light up when he sees that a star, in some random galaxy (that he will never be able to visit) has been named for him?

Little Billy: "Santa brought me a Play Station III and ten new games. I was so amped."

Little Johnny: "You tool. I got a star named for me. My star is listed in the International Star Registry, and whenever I look up in the night sky, I can see it. I asked for a Play Station, too; but, this is way better. Come over to my house tonight and we can look at it."

Little Billy: [Beating Little Johnny senseless] "You...suck...and Santa Claus...hates you!"

Years later, when parked under the stars, with the Homecoming Queen, Little Johnny can point out his star.

Little Johnny: "There is my star. It is as bright and beautiful as you, my dear."

Little Debbie: [Beating Little Johnny senseless] "You...suck...and Santa Claus...hates you. And so do I. Take me home."

So, after Little Johnny rapes and kills, Little Debbie, and buries the body in a shallow grave by Lookout Point, you know that the next stop is...the dumbass who gave him the star.

No, seriously, what kind of a tool thinks that naming a star for someone they love is a good gift? It would be nicer, and more thoughtful to cut up some construction paper and magazines and give the person a picture to hang on the refrigerator, or to cull Epicurious for some recipies. But a star?

When I first heard the advertisement, I thought it was a joke, but sadly, it is not.