Fifteen Things Brad Pitt Thinks I Should Know

http://men.msn.com/articlees.aspx?cp-documentid=917689&GT1=8784

I don't even know where to begin with this nonsense. Yes, I think that it is nice that Brad Pitt can string together fifteen coherent thoughts to his personal assistant, who can then cut and paste them into something that is reasonably fit for human consumption. I also think that it is wonderful that Brad Pitt has decided that he can improve the world by adopting orphan children from Africa (since, apparently, the stock of orphan children in the United States has dried up), but again, does anyone really give a damn what Brad thinks about this?

Not to be overly critical, but what is wrong with American orphans? Is this more of the out-sourcing that we are hearing about every day? American jobs going offshore. American orphans left, without love and affection, because Brad Pitt (and Madonna) prefer to go global in their quest for positive press.

And his recommendation about products for "black-person hair" raises one interesting question. Does black-person hair smell bad if you don't use Carol's Daughter products? As for diaper rash ointments, haven't you ever heard of Desitin? I realise that it is probably entirely man-made, but the stuff works, as evidenced by the fact that it has been around for ever, and that it works. [Fun Fact: Desitin is also excellent for wind-burned cheeks, acquired while skiing.]

So, Brad makes some valid points about the energy efficiency of American buildings, and I suppose that he is right that the United States only produces 3% of the oil in the world (while using 25%), but what has Brad done to promote drilling and exploration off of the California and Gulf Coasts, or in ANWR? Not one fucking thing. Brad buys a Prius and thinks that he has done his part for the environment. Not so, chief. The Prius consumed more resources to build than your regular car, and it costs more, to boot. [The one interesting thing about Brad's Prius is that George Clooney (allegedly) slapped an "I'M GAY AND I VOTE" bumper sticker on the car (as a joke/hate crime) during the filming of Ocean's Twelve.]

But there is just one problem with this. He is an ACTOR! When Brad produces some credentials from MIT, Georgia Tech, or Caltech, then he can talk to me about this shit (i.e., science). Until then, shut the fuck up, chief.

I swear to God, relying on actors for information about science is like relying on someone who stayed at Holiday Inn Express to remove your uterus.

Nurse: "Doctor, that hysterectomy was amazing. I have never seen anyone handle that procedure so beautifully. Did you go to Harvard Med? Yale?"

Doctor: "No, I am an actor. But, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

Finally, what kind of tool names their children Shiloh and Zahara? Save for the fact that the Pitt children will probably never have to work, or associate with the hoi polloi, their names don't matter. But really, if these kids are ever in need of employment, do you, for a moment think, that these names are suited for anything other than a pole? In a strip-joint?

Anyway, thank you, Brad. For giving me something to kill twenty minutes reading and ranting about. Of course, if I thought that you were a better actor, I might have cut you some slack; but, given your penchant for wooden performances, no.

Have a nice day!