If I Did It...

I would have cut her head clean off, then I would have killed Ron. Then, I would have taken the knife and put it in his hand, after wiping it off. That way, it would have looked like a murder-suicide.

That would have taught Nicole a lesson. I mean, giving a Lewinsky to Marcus Allen on my couch. Why, that's just more than a man can bear.

Of course, I didn't kill Nicole, or Ron. They died consummating a drug deal with some Colombian drug lords (I am still looking for them, by the way). I mean, using my alimony payments to buy cocaine. What did she think would happen? I mean, I am O.J. Simpson. The only slashing and cutting I ever did was on the football field.

But hypothetically, if I had, I would have definitely made it look like a murder-suicide.

Wait, no, I might have done it differently. I would have killed her inside the house, using my Heisman Trophy to bludgeon her. Then, it would have looked like she surprised some robbers in the house.

No, wait, I would have waited until she was in the shower, then I would have stabbed her...no, too much like Psycho.

Hmmm. Let me ponder this for a second. Oh, whatever I did, I wouldn't have left that glove (that wasn't mine) at Brentwood.

Okay, so I would have killed them both, then put the knife in Ron's hand. Yes, that's the way I would have done it.

But, we all know that it was the Colombian drug lords, not me. Hypothetically speaking.