Speedos!

We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

• Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
• Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
• Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
• Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
• Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
• A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
• The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
• President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
• The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
• Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
• Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard "...in a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)

All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.

Black History Month Remembers...

Whitney Houston

Pop-music icon, Whitney Houston is, as of this writing, still dead.

She remains dead, along with Osama bin Laden, Princess Diana, and General Ulysses S. Grant.

Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard, has been summoned for questioning.

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over

Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.  

Wait!  What?  Did The Lifeguard read that correctly?  "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Oh, baby!

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come.  Or, that he had risen.  (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Prime Time Television

The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl.  (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)  

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B. 

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.

Hate!

Valentine's Day Is Coming

And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

Not the MVP.

It's No Corvette

Giants' QB Eli Manning was the Super Bowl MVP.  He got a Corvette, which (in reality) was paid for by the American taxpayers.  (Which is to say, "Mainly Warren Buffett's secretary.")

As the losing QB, Tom Brady got a Chevy Volt (shown above).  

(And, no, it wasn't set on fire by surly Pats fans at UMass-Amherst.  It burst into flame on its own accord.)

HFWTFMF?!?

He Gets The Lifeguard's Vote

People are in a dither about Rep. Pete Hoekstra's Super Bowl advertisement.  Something about racism, insensitivity, xenophobia, and stereotypes.

The Michigan Republican, who is running for Senator Debbie Stabenow's seat, has been called a racist for the advertisement.  The Lifeguard doesn't care, however.  It's a poignant ad (what with all of the discussions about America being beholden to China), which hits a raw nerve because it speaks (on some level) the truth.

Think about it for a second.  The advertisement is meant to portray a Chinese woman...in China.  The Lifeguard thinks that she speaks pretty good English for a Chinese woman in China.  (Better, certainly, than The Lifeguard's Mandarin.)  Second, it highlights the fact that unskilled workers in China are taking unskilled manufacturing jobs from unskilled American workers.  (Again, The Lifeguard would like to see China pay a fair wage; but, then again, The Lifeguard would also like to see an auto worker from Flint speak Mandarin.  Or, a high school student in Detroit speak English, for that matter.)  Finally, the advert is...well...an advert.

Seriously, if people want to get pissed off about something, it should be what little has been done to preserve American manufacturing jobs (lower corporate tax rate, anyone?), or to educate Michigan's students.  (The racism is not in this advert, but the fact that predominately-black Detroit has a functional illiteracy rate of 47%. Just sayin'.)

Common sense dictates picking your battles.  If I were Debbie Stabenow (or her supporters), I might find another one.

Speedos!

The Book of Eli!

The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas.  It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.  

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14.  A battle between New York and Boston.  A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.  The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre.  (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots.  Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts.  Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.

• Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history.  (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo.  (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh.  (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.)  It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
• At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves.  Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
• The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked.  Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too.  (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.)  And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
• Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky.  The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack).  Well, actually, they did.  Figuratively.  A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
• Madonna was, in a word, amazing.  Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing.  Wait.  The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing.  What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good.  Madonna was great.
• The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
• Who the fuck is M.I.A.?  Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
• The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels.  While the Super Bowl was being played.    Delicious irony.  (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
• A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
• Tom Brady is a very good QB.  So is Eli Manning.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks.  Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
• Too many commercials.  Wait.  Too many bad commercials.
• The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears.  Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
• The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning.  The Giants had been a poor running team all season.  They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
• Manning to Manningham.
• Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
• This was a great game.  Awesome!
• The officials were even better.  They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.

Have a great Monday.  Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.  

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)

Don't forget to vote.

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote.  (If you have already voted, get out and vote again.  What the hell.  That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

Speedos!

The Audacity of the Dope

President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly non-Muslim, and who has done so much for the faltering American economy, demonstrated that he is just one more in a line of corrupt Chicago politicians.  

Oh, sure, he has picked some winners in the green energy field.  In fact, BHO is a veritable Bernie Madoff when it comes to "investing" in America.  Evergreen, Solyndra, Ener1, Amonix, Inc., and the Chevy Volt are just a few of the winners that the Obama Administration has funded.  For hell's sake, the administration would have done better buying a shitload of scratch tickets rather than dumping money down the green energy rat hole.

Sure, The Lifeguard knows the importance of exploring new energy technologies; but, there is no way in hell that batteries will replace cheap natural gas and oil (that is right here, in North America).  Even the Chinese, building this shit with cheap slave labour are struggling with changes in the way that the industry is funded and does business.

But, then when BHO gets a shot at a real winner--the Keystone XL pipeline--built with $13 billion in TransCanada's cash, he vetoes the project.

Shovel ready?  Yep.

A job creator?  Yep.

Reduces America's dependence on foreign oil?  Yep.

Environmentalists hate it?  Natch.

So, when faced with the choice of employing an estimated 20,000 Americans in high wage union jobs, or protecting Iran's oil industry, BHO calls his shot, swings for the fences, and fucks America.

And, we didn't even get a kiss.

Speedos!

Jacksonville Debate
The Four Amigos got on the stage at the University of North Florida to duke it out, one last time, before the Florida Primary.  Of course, it took The Lifeguard about 30 minutes to find the show.  (It was on CNN.  Nobody watches CNN anymore.  In fact, The Lifeguard didn't know that he even got CNN on his cable package.)

As has come to be expected, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts on the big show.

• Mitt and Newt get into it over Mitt's Swiss bank account.  Mitt gives a reasonable answer (about his blind trust); but, The Lifeguard remembers the blind trust being the punchline of a joke during the presidency of Bush The Elder.  The Lifeguard thinks that Obama is champing at the bit to get an opponent who has a numbered Swiss account and a blind trust.
• The Lifeguard wonders if President Obama put his birth certificate in a blind trust.
• Mitt all but calls Newt a panderer, saying whatever people in a given state want to hear to win.  (The Lifeguard thinks he hears a pot calling.)  Newt absolutely schools Mitt on how the primaries are the chance for the candidates to see what is important to the people of the several states.
• Newt wants a colony on the moon?  That might become a state?  The Lifeguard doesn't even know what to say to that.  (Except maybe to agree that we shouldn't cede space to China.)  
• Did Ron Paul just say that he wanted to get rid of the 16th Amendment?  Yes!
• A question about which wife will be the best First Lady.  Really?  Who gives a fuck.  Romney talks about his wife being a breast cancer survivor.  How does that make her a good First Lady?  Santorum and Paul talk lovingly about their wives.  Santorum's wife was a nurse and a lawyer.  Impressive.  Newt, talking about Callista, gives the best answer of all.
• A question about Cuba.  The Lifeguard tends to agree with Ron Paul about sanctions against Cuba being a bad idea.  Mitt Romney couldn't specifically respond to Ron Paul's comments, when asked.  Really?  You can't just ignore the one sane thing that Ron Paul said.
• A question from a self-described Palestinian-American-Republican.  What the fuck?  Doesn't anyone remember when Palestinians were Arabs?
• For the record, The Lifeguard knew that there would be some question about Puerto Rico.  He just didn't think it'd be such a stupid one.  There is a better chance that there will be a state on the moon before Puerto Rico becomes a state.
• The Lifeguard would love to see the candidates do keg stands.
• Newt sounds presidential.  Not petty.
• A question on rebuilding America.  Rick Santorum just doesn't seem passionate about anything.  He's like a white Barack Obama, when it comes to speaking style.  (Without the TelePrompTer and with a birth certificate.)  Come to think about it, The Lifeguard could say the same about Mitt.  
• Post-debate, we learn that Mitt has a new...debate coach?  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  A debate coach?  It is pretty apparent that the CNN folks love Willard.  (And, hate Newt.)

This one was too close to call.  The Lifeguard gives it to Newt, but The Lifeguard is a little biased.

Sure, Blame Newt...

"Newt Cost Me The Presidency."

Former Senator (and runner-up in the 1996 presidential race) Bob Dole blamed Newt Gingrich for his loss, while endorsing Governor Mitt Romney for the 2012 edition of Republican Idol.

Seriously?

First of all, The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole was dead.  (Actually, The Lifeguard thought that Bob Dole was dead after seeing Bob Dole's debate performances back in 1996.)  

The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole lost in 1996 because Bob Dole was the Mitt Romney of the day.  (That is to say, the "Mitt Romney, with bad hair, a bad hand, and ED.")

Steady, reliable, next in line.  (And zero chance that he'll fuck an intern because...well...draw your own conclusions.)

But, Bob Dole has some sort of axe to grind with Newt, apparently.  Bob Dole doesn't like the Freddie Mac gig, the serial infidelities, the fact that Newt has a working penis.  Bob Dole is angry that Newt shut down the government when he was House Speaker.  Bob Dole is annoyed that Newt had balls back in the '90s, and that Newt has balls now.  Bob Dole is...well...a grumpy old man.

Face it.  Bob Dole was a bad choice in 1996, and he's asking Republicans to make a bad choice now.

Separated At Birth?

Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong?
Two Pictures Of The Same Person?

Like Fox News, The Lifeguard reports, you decide.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

The Lifeguard Looked Up "Attention Whores" In His Armenian Dictionary

He saw this picture.

HFWTFMF?!?

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi Shows Off Her New Look
It still looks like do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone wrong; but, she seems happy with the results.  Of course, one would think that a woman who has been so successful picking stocks would get a plastic surgeon, not a syringe full of hot beef fat.

HFWTFMF?!?

DIY Plastic Surgery Never Works
In yet another example of do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone awry, this woman claims....

Wait!  What?  It's former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)?

It wasn't do-it-yourself plastic surgery?

Whoa!  And here The Lifeguard thought that this was yet another case of an attention-seeking seventy-something with a syringe full of hot beef fat and a jones for eternal youth.

And, for the record, sunshine, when your enemy (the Republican Party) is in the process of destroying itself (by nominating Newt Gingrich), you never try to stop them.  (Unless, you are an attention-seeking seventy-something with botched do-it-yourself plastic surgery.)

By popular demand.

This Is The Lifeguard's Most Popular Post
Visitors from the United States (including US governmental agencies), Brazil, Norway, Qatar, and the Islamic Republic of Iran (to name five) love this picture (and accompanying post).

(The Lifeguard can't help but think that someone is probably rotting in a dank, dark cell as a result of them having looked at this picture.)

Florida Debate

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination.  As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

• The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school.  Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular.  Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with.  (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.)  Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee).  And, Rick Santorum?  He was the kid who got wedgies.  Every day.  (Even from Newt.)
• The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords.  Oh, wait.  It was the movie, Regarding Henry.  (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
• Santorum.  Blah, blah, blah.  I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race.  He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.  
• Ron Paul.  Blah, blah, blah.  He says the same things, over and over.  He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck.  And, he leads a movement.  A pretty impressive movement.
• When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean.  Like he is just saying mean things to be mean.  He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim).  In fact, Huntsman was right.  Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane."  (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
• Newt was presidential.  He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
• Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum.  The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks

The questions and answers are all running together.  The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him.  She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

Speedos!

South Carolina Debate Recap
The CNN-sponsored Republican debate happened last night, and it was a pleasure to watch.  As always, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts about the big show, and how it affects the upcoming South Carolina Primary.

• South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, is easy on the eyes.
• John King, the CNN moderator was not terrible.  (He wasn't good, either; but, he was not terrible.)  Also, King wasn't sweating like a pig, as George Stephanopoulos was a few weeks ago.
• The first question was about Marianne Gingrich--to Newt--and what comment he had about her interview.  Yeah, a weighty question about shit that Americans really want to know.  Seriously?  When has the ex (who is the veteran of a bitter divorce) ever been an honest broker about anything?  (And, frankly, Marianne Gingrich is a bitter looking woman looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.  The Lifeguard can almost hear her screaming, "I could have been the First Lady!")
• Rick Santorum talks about his bona fides.  Yet, he couldn't get re-elected to the US Senate...as a mother-humping incumbent.  (Proving the old saw, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time.)
• Santorum says that he doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a person who the voters worry about "...what he'll say."  (The Lifeguard doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a) a loser who can't win a statewide re-election campaign, who b) wears sweater vests, and c) who has a Google problem.)  
• Rick Santorum is a decent fellow, but he can't win.  (At least the other Rick knew when to fold 'em.)
• Mitt Romney should release his freaking tax returns.  The Lifeguard can't help but think that this is his Birth Certificate Moment, and if he simply releases the returns, he'll shut up a lot of his detractors.
• Ron Paul is crazy.  But, the Republicans marginalise him at their peril.  He speaks for more than just the party.  He speaks for a movement.  
• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney can sound petulant, pedantic, and (in some instances) downright mean.  
• Newt is very good.  He knows...well...everything.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a situation where he'll be tripped up on the facts.  (His mess of a personal life?  Perhaps.  Issues?  Never.)
• Newt has the best line of the night.  "Elect Republicans, and we’ll help your kids move out, get a job and get their own health insurance."
• Newt and Romney are running neck and neck.  Romney, however, is coming off a bad performance Monday night (in which the lighting made his hands look positively evil) and an equally flat performance last night.  Newt, on the other hand, is surging, coming off a strong Monday debate.  He did nothing to disrupt the surge, either, coming off as the clear winner last night.
• Jon Huntsman still has hot daughters, even if he looks like Barney Fife.
• The Lifeguard kind of missed Rick Perry.  Kind of.

Out!

Maybe Rick Perry Is The Tim Tebow Of The Republican Candidates...
He sure as hell got beat like Tim Tebow did last Saturday, in Foxborough.

And now, like Tim, he's out for the season.

Another one bites the dust...

Jon Huntsman To Withdraw From The Race
Huntsman chose to dress in his deputy sheriff's uniform to announce his support for the other wealthy Mormon former-governor (and his willingness to serve as Ambassador to China...or, deputy sheriff.)

Slicker, puh-lease!

The Lifeguard Wonders

If there is a storm in the ghetto, and the snow melts, then re-freezes, is the result "black ice"?

Isn't "black ice" far more treacherous than regular ice?  (It's definitely worse than the "white stuff.")

Will "black ice" fuck you up if you are Asian, and own a grocery store?

Will "black ice" kick your narrow white ass if you are Hasidim?

Isn't "black ice" an outdated expression of hatred and evil?  Should we even talk about "black ice" causing people to be late to work?  Isn't it a term to be consigned to the ash-heap of history?

(The answer to the above questions are:  No, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, and Yes.

So, on this MLK Day, join The Lifeguard in his attempts to eliminate this hateful expression from our lexicon.  Let's make the use of the term, "black ice" history.

(Your donations to this important cause are, as always, welcome.  Simply click on the link and give what you can.)

Speedos!

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
• At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
• So was Huntsman.
• ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
• Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
• Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
• George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
• Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
• These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
• Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
• No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
• Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
• Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

He still has a Google problem...

"The Lifeguard Is This Wide."
Can you imagine the Santorum The Lifeguard could create if he played for the other team?

Just sayin', but you'd need a Subaru full of Astroglide.

In a call centre?

This Is So Wrong...
Not the fact that this young woman, Jakadrien Turner was deported (even though she was an American citizen); but, the fact that she claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez (an illegal immigrant, from Colombia) at every turn.

It seems that young Jakadrien ran away from her Dallas home in November, 2010.  (Probably because her mother, Johnisa had named her Jakadrien.)  When she was picked up for stealing (in Houston), she insisted that her name was Tika Lanay Cortzez (which is only slightly less bad a name than Jakadrien Turner).  She was processed through the system (where she was represented by a defence attorney) and eventually deported to Colombia, where she was enrolled in a "Welcome Home" programme and given a job in a call centre.  (A call centre!  Even though she didn't speak Spanish.)

Wait!  The Lifeguard is actually not surprised that a non-Spanish speaking person would be given a job in a call centre.  (Who the hell needs to speak the language to be in customer service?)

Subsequently, Jakadrien got tired of working, cleared up the identity issues, and went on welfare...in Colombia.  (Before the age of 18, Jakadrian has managed the rare feat of being on welfare in not one, but two countries.)  Her return to the United States was facilitated through her grandmother's use of Facebook, which has added a "Find deported relatives with stupid names" app.

She returned to the United States last night to crowds, cameras, her parents (well, her grandmother and mother*), and her attorney, Ray Jackson.  (Jakadrien is going for the trifecta:  Welfare in two countries, and a big-ass settlement after her lawyer sues the United States of America.)

Of course, this begs the question, "From what (or whom) was she running?"

It takes a lot to choose deportation to a Third World country (sorry Colombia) over living in Dallas (or Houston).  It seems to The Lifeguard that this is a young woman, with a young and immature mother (after all, it was the grandmother who tracked her down), desperately in need of some attention.  (The Lifeguard also notes that this is just about the fastest deportation ever.  Ever.  Would that we could deport the real illegal aliens just as quickly.)

There is so much that is wrong with this story, and the fact that the media reports that a teen-aged American was deported causes most people to stop listening to the rest of the facts.  (Not only to stop listening, but to disregard them completely.)  The Lifeguard hopes that when this case goes to the jury (and it will), that the veniremen will see that if anyone is at fault, it was Jakadrien.  (Of course, The Lifeguard doesn't believe that for a second.  Jakadrien will have her own reality show on OWN, a big award, and government housing.)

*The Lifeguard will not point out the conspicuous absence of Jakadrien's father.

A modest proposal...

The Lifeguard Wants A Chain Of Volt Dealerships Throughout The Middle East
The Chevy Volt is a wonder of American engineering, not unlike the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Corvair, and the AMC Pacer.

Unlike the Pacer, it's actually kind of sporty.

Unlike the Corvair, it has good handling.

Unlike the Pinto, it doesn't burst into....  Wait!  It does burst into flame!

So, The Lifeguard has developed a modest proposal to help the government of the United States recoup the billions of taxpayer dollars flushed down the General Motors rat-hole.

Hundreds of thousands of Chevy Volts sold to Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

These suicide bombermobiles don't even need to be fitted with explosives (or timers) to burst into flame.

Imagine the efficiency (and reduction of greenhouse gases) that will come about as a result of the sale of these babies in the tinder box that is the broader Middle East.

Mahmoud:  "Abdul, you have been selected to be a martyr for Allah."

Abdul:  "Allah be praised.  Where is my suicide bomber vest?"

Mahmoud:  "No need for that.  We have purchased a 2011 Chevy Volt for you.  Simply drive it over to the Sbarro--it's only about ten miles away--and it will burst into flame, slaughtering many infidels."

Abdul:  [Pulling up outside of the Sbarro]  "Allahu akbar!"  [Puff!]

No longer do the enemies of The Great Satan (or, The Little Satan) have to risk premature explosions of IEDs and suicide bomber vests.  They can ride in air conditioned comfort (as long as the ride isn't more than 35 miles) to their penultimate destination.  (Next stop, Paradise!)

And, given the vast numbers of prospective martyrs, each driving a $40,000.00 Chevy Volt, The General could make a killing.  (Literally.)

So, The Lifeguard will be contacting President Obama (who remains, not a Muslim) with this business opportunity.

HFWTFMF?!?

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!

A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

The Lifeguard Likes!

LESBIANS SELECTED FOR FIRST KISS!
It didn't hurt that they were kinda hot.

In a move touted by the LGBT community as the "Kiss Heard Round the World," a same-sex couple became the first in the Navy to get to have the celebrated first kiss upon their return to port.  (At first, The Lifeguard thought he was seeing Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise, not the return of a US warship.  But, the women appeared to be attractive, so he immediately knew it wasn't Rosie.)

Sailors on board ship applauded, mainly because they got to see something they'd otherwise have to pay $9.99 to see.  The ship's captain, David Bauer, said, "It's going to happen and the crew is going to enjoy it."  (Yeah, because they don't have to pay $9.99 to see it.)

Of course, had the drawing yielded a couple of big, hairy guys (or big, hairy women), the LA Times might not have made such a big deal of the picture.

She may be 55...

...But She Told The Sioux City Audience...
...that The Lifeguard lives up to all of the hype.

Even if The Lifeguard felt like he was showing off for Diane Keaton.

Speedos!

Debate Recap



On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)


Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.


As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.


Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Seriously?
The Lifeguard does admit that Time has chosen a few stinkers over its history; but, this one might be the flop of the century.  (Of the last one, too.)

As The Lifeguard's friend, Derek Zoolander once said, "Lucky for me no one I know reads your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called."

Natch.

The First Thing Rick Perry Has Gotten Right Since He Joined This Campaign.
The Lifeguard is the real deal.

Speedos!

"The Lifeguard Is The Shit!"
Former Vice President Al Gore knows it.  He says it loud.  He says it proud.

"I invented the internet," Gore said.

"I also created the specific instructions for solving all problems," noted Gore.  "Why else," he said, "would they be called AlGore-ithms."

"AlGore-ithms, bitch!"

"Now give me my own Nobel Prize!"

Shocker...

"It Was About This Wide."
So now, the world has a reasonable idea of just how well-equipped The Lifeguard is.

And, they're all jealous.  Every last one of them.

It figures...

The Subaru Forester And Occupy Boston.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Speedos!

HFWTFMF?!?
The Lifeguard has spent a lot of time saving the world; or, at the very least, trying.

Last night, The Lifeguard was chatting with a beautiful young woman, who surprisingly had two tattoos.  One was on her wrist and the other was on her inner thigh.  (Don't ask how The Lifeguard knows about that one.)  Now, The Lifeguard is not a fan of tattoos, especially on women; however, they were always useful tools to verify a girl's age.  (They've gotta be eighteen to get a tattoo.)

So, we began discussing the tattoo on her wrist--the one that said, "Angel."  She intimated that it was, "...like, sarcasm."  As to the other tattoo, The Lifeguard was amused at the design, and started to closely examine the artwork.  (Again, don't ask.)

Angel:  "Can you believe I had to get a fake ID so that I could get these tattoos?"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "Like, I had to get a fake ID when I was in Miami, on...you know...Spring Break last spring.  Like, can you believe that you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo?  It's so...like...stupid."

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I mean, all of my friends were getting them, and I wasn't...like...willing to wait until I was...like...eighteen."

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I didn't want to wait...like...two more years."

At which point, The Lifeguard left, longing for the days when girls got fake IDs to buy booze, not to get tattoos.

Variations on a theme.

The Lifeguard Was Out For A Run...
He fell into stride with a pleasant young woman, who wanted to talk about religion.  When she got to the subject of martyrs of the Apostolic Age, she mentioned something about crosses and crucifixion.

Then, she stopped to explain St. Andrew's crucifixion, at which point, The Lifeguard nailed her.  (But, not to a cross.)