Friday, December 16, 2011
On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa). Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls. So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.
Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann. He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.) Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.
Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it. (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.) The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct. (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)
Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit? It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world." The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...." At least Governor Palin knew how to dress. Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice. And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex. If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls. (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)
Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it. But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed." (He's right, too. President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy. Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)
Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses." The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT. And they don't. So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.
Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy. He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.
Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms. He is John McCain with good hair. He's smart, reliable, and boring. The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes. He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy. (Who uses the word "zany"?) From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election. Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.
As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.
Peace, brethren! (And sistren.)