Wednesday, February 08, 2012


Valentine's Day Is Coming
And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

No comments: