Monday, February 06, 2012


The Book of Eli!
The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas.  It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.  

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14.  A battle between New York and Boston.  A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.  The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre.  (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots.  Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts.  Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.
  • Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history.  (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo.  (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh.  (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.)  It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
  • At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves.  Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
  • The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked.  Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too.  (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.)  And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
  • Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky.  The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack).  Well, actually, they did.  Figuratively.  A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
  • Madonna was, in a word, amazing.  Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing.  Wait.  The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing.  What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good.  Madonna was great.
  • The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
  • Who the fuck is M.I.A.?  Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
  • The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels.  While the Super Bowl was being played.    Delicious irony.  (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
  • A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
  • Tom Brady is a very good QB.  So is Eli Manning.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks.  Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
  • Too many commercials.  Wait.  Too many bad commercials.
  • The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears.  Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
  • The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning.  The Giants had been a poor running team all season.  They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
  • Manning to Manningham.
  • Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
  • This was a great game.  Awesome!
  • The officials were even better.  They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.
Have a great Monday.  Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.  

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)

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