Sunday, January 08, 2012


Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

  • Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
  • At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
  • So was Huntsman.
  • ABC was fucking with Dr. by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
  • Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
  • Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
  • George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
  • Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
  • These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
  • Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
  • No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
  • Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
  • Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.
The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

No comments: