The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College. As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver. The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.
- Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other. One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr. It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar. They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good. And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
- At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage. After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth. Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
- So was Huntsman.
- ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first). By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
- Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt. What the fuck?!?
- Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny. Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
- George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church. The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely. And, he looked a little jaundiced. (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
- Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
- These were some of the dumbest questions ever. Ever.
- Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann. (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
- No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
- Was Rick Perry there? Oh, yeah, he was. (Wished he was somewhere else.)
- Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion. No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.