Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Florida Debate

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination.  As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

  • The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school.  Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular.  Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with.  (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.)  Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee).  And, Rick Santorum?  He was the kid who got wedgies.  Every day.  (Even from Newt.)
  • The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords.  Oh, wait.  It was the movie, Regarding Henry.  (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
  • Santorum.  Blah, blah, blah.  I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race.  He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.  
  • Ron Paul.  Blah, blah, blah.  He says the same things, over and over.  He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck.  And, he leads a movement.  A pretty impressive movement.
  • When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean.  Like he is just saying mean things to be mean.  He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim).  In fact, Huntsman was right.  Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane."  (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
  • Newt was presidential.  He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
  • Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum.  The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks
The questions and answers are all running together.  The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him.  She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

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