Speedos!

We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

• Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
• Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
• Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
• Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
• Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
• A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
• The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
• President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
• The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
• Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
• Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard "...in a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)

All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.