Florida Debate

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination.  As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

• The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school.  Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular.  Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with.  (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.)  Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee).  And, Rick Santorum?  He was the kid who got wedgies.  Every day.  (Even from Newt.)
• The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords.  Oh, wait.  It was the movie, Regarding Henry.  (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
• Santorum.  Blah, blah, blah.  I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race.  He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.  
• Ron Paul.  Blah, blah, blah.  He says the same things, over and over.  He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck.  And, he leads a movement.  A pretty impressive movement.
• When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean.  Like he is just saying mean things to be mean.  He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim).  In fact, Huntsman was right.  Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane."  (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
• Newt was presidential.  He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
• Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum.  The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks

The questions and answers are all running together.  The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him.  She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

Speedos!

South Carolina Debate Recap
The CNN-sponsored Republican debate happened last night, and it was a pleasure to watch.  As always, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts about the big show, and how it affects the upcoming South Carolina Primary.

• South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, is easy on the eyes.
• John King, the CNN moderator was not terrible.  (He wasn't good, either; but, he was not terrible.)  Also, King wasn't sweating like a pig, as George Stephanopoulos was a few weeks ago.
• The first question was about Marianne Gingrich--to Newt--and what comment he had about her interview.  Yeah, a weighty question about shit that Americans really want to know.  Seriously?  When has the ex (who is the veteran of a bitter divorce) ever been an honest broker about anything?  (And, frankly, Marianne Gingrich is a bitter looking woman looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.  The Lifeguard can almost hear her screaming, "I could have been the First Lady!")
• Rick Santorum talks about his bona fides.  Yet, he couldn't get re-elected to the US Senate...as a mother-humping incumbent.  (Proving the old saw, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time.)
• Santorum says that he doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a person who the voters worry about "...what he'll say."  (The Lifeguard doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a) a loser who can't win a statewide re-election campaign, who b) wears sweater vests, and c) who has a Google problem.)  
• Rick Santorum is a decent fellow, but he can't win.  (At least the other Rick knew when to fold 'em.)
• Mitt Romney should release his freaking tax returns.  The Lifeguard can't help but think that this is his Birth Certificate Moment, and if he simply releases the returns, he'll shut up a lot of his detractors.
• Ron Paul is crazy.  But, the Republicans marginalise him at their peril.  He speaks for more than just the party.  He speaks for a movement.  
• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney can sound petulant, pedantic, and (in some instances) downright mean.  
• Newt is very good.  He knows...well...everything.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a situation where he'll be tripped up on the facts.  (His mess of a personal life?  Perhaps.  Issues?  Never.)
• Newt has the best line of the night.  "Elect Republicans, and we’ll help your kids move out, get a job and get their own health insurance."
• Newt and Romney are running neck and neck.  Romney, however, is coming off a bad performance Monday night (in which the lighting made his hands look positively evil) and an equally flat performance last night.  Newt, on the other hand, is surging, coming off a strong Monday debate.  He did nothing to disrupt the surge, either, coming off as the clear winner last night.
• Jon Huntsman still has hot daughters, even if he looks like Barney Fife.
• The Lifeguard kind of missed Rick Perry.  Kind of.

Out!

Maybe Rick Perry Is The Tim Tebow Of The Republican Candidates...
He sure as hell got beat like Tim Tebow did last Saturday, in Foxborough.

And now, like Tim, he's out for the season.

Another one bites the dust...

Jon Huntsman To Withdraw From The Race
Huntsman chose to dress in his deputy sheriff's uniform to announce his support for the other wealthy Mormon former-governor (and his willingness to serve as Ambassador to China...or, deputy sheriff.)

Slicker, puh-lease!

The Lifeguard Wonders

If there is a storm in the ghetto, and the snow melts, then re-freezes, is the result "black ice"?

Isn't "black ice" far more treacherous than regular ice?  (It's definitely worse than the "white stuff.")

Will "black ice" fuck you up if you are Asian, and own a grocery store?

Will "black ice" kick your narrow white ass if you are Hasidim?

Isn't "black ice" an outdated expression of hatred and evil?  Should we even talk about "black ice" causing people to be late to work?  Isn't it a term to be consigned to the ash-heap of history?

(The answer to the above questions are:  No, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, and Yes.

So, on this MLK Day, join The Lifeguard in his attempts to eliminate this hateful expression from our lexicon.  Let's make the use of the term, "black ice" history.

(Your donations to this important cause are, as always, welcome.  Simply click on the link and give what you can.)

Speedos!

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
• At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
• So was Huntsman.
• ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
• Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
• Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
• George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
• Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
• These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
• Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
• No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
• Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
• Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

He still has a Google problem...

"The Lifeguard Is This Wide."
Can you imagine the Santorum The Lifeguard could create if he played for the other team?

Just sayin', but you'd need a Subaru full of Astroglide.

In a call centre?

This Is So Wrong...
Not the fact that this young woman, Jakadrien Turner was deported (even though she was an American citizen); but, the fact that she claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez (an illegal immigrant, from Colombia) at every turn.

It seems that young Jakadrien ran away from her Dallas home in November, 2010.  (Probably because her mother, Johnisa had named her Jakadrien.)  When she was picked up for stealing (in Houston), she insisted that her name was Tika Lanay Cortzez (which is only slightly less bad a name than Jakadrien Turner).  She was processed through the system (where she was represented by a defence attorney) and eventually deported to Colombia, where she was enrolled in a "Welcome Home" programme and given a job in a call centre.  (A call centre!  Even though she didn't speak Spanish.)

Wait!  The Lifeguard is actually not surprised that a non-Spanish speaking person would be given a job in a call centre.  (Who the hell needs to speak the language to be in customer service?)

Subsequently, Jakadrien got tired of working, cleared up the identity issues, and went on welfare...in Colombia.  (Before the age of 18, Jakadrian has managed the rare feat of being on welfare in not one, but two countries.)  Her return to the United States was facilitated through her grandmother's use of Facebook, which has added a "Find deported relatives with stupid names" app.

She returned to the United States last night to crowds, cameras, her parents (well, her grandmother and mother*), and her attorney, Ray Jackson.  (Jakadrien is going for the trifecta:  Welfare in two countries, and a big-ass settlement after her lawyer sues the United States of America.)

Of course, this begs the question, "From what (or whom) was she running?"

It takes a lot to choose deportation to a Third World country (sorry Colombia) over living in Dallas (or Houston).  It seems to The Lifeguard that this is a young woman, with a young and immature mother (after all, it was the grandmother who tracked her down), desperately in need of some attention.  (The Lifeguard also notes that this is just about the fastest deportation ever.  Ever.  Would that we could deport the real illegal aliens just as quickly.)

There is so much that is wrong with this story, and the fact that the media reports that a teen-aged American was deported causes most people to stop listening to the rest of the facts.  (Not only to stop listening, but to disregard them completely.)  The Lifeguard hopes that when this case goes to the jury (and it will), that the veniremen will see that if anyone is at fault, it was Jakadrien.  (Of course, The Lifeguard doesn't believe that for a second.  Jakadrien will have her own reality show on OWN, a big award, and government housing.)

*The Lifeguard will not point out the conspicuous absence of Jakadrien's father.

A modest proposal...

The Lifeguard Wants A Chain Of Volt Dealerships Throughout The Middle East
The Chevy Volt is a wonder of American engineering, not unlike the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Corvair, and the AMC Pacer.

Unlike the Pacer, it's actually kind of sporty.

Unlike the Corvair, it has good handling.

Unlike the Pinto, it doesn't burst into....  Wait!  It does burst into flame!

So, The Lifeguard has developed a modest proposal to help the government of the United States recoup the billions of taxpayer dollars flushed down the General Motors rat-hole.

Hundreds of thousands of Chevy Volts sold to Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

These suicide bombermobiles don't even need to be fitted with explosives (or timers) to burst into flame.

Imagine the efficiency (and reduction of greenhouse gases) that will come about as a result of the sale of these babies in the tinder box that is the broader Middle East.

Mahmoud:  "Abdul, you have been selected to be a martyr for Allah."

Abdul:  "Allah be praised.  Where is my suicide bomber vest?"

Mahmoud:  "No need for that.  We have purchased a 2011 Chevy Volt for you.  Simply drive it over to the Sbarro--it's only about ten miles away--and it will burst into flame, slaughtering many infidels."

Abdul:  [Pulling up outside of the Sbarro]  "Allahu akbar!"  [Puff!]

No longer do the enemies of The Great Satan (or, The Little Satan) have to risk premature explosions of IEDs and suicide bomber vests.  They can ride in air conditioned comfort (as long as the ride isn't more than 35 miles) to their penultimate destination.  (Next stop, Paradise!)

And, given the vast numbers of prospective martyrs, each driving a $40,000.00 Chevy Volt, The General could make a killing.  (Literally.)

So, The Lifeguard will be contacting President Obama (who remains, not a Muslim) with this business opportunity.

HFWTFMF?!?

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!

A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

The Lifeguard Likes!

LESBIANS SELECTED FOR FIRST KISS!
It didn't hurt that they were kinda hot.

In a move touted by the LGBT community as the "Kiss Heard Round the World," a same-sex couple became the first in the Navy to get to have the celebrated first kiss upon their return to port.  (At first, The Lifeguard thought he was seeing Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise, not the return of a US warship.  But, the women appeared to be attractive, so he immediately knew it wasn't Rosie.)

Sailors on board ship applauded, mainly because they got to see something they'd otherwise have to pay $9.99 to see.  The ship's captain, David Bauer, said, "It's going to happen and the crew is going to enjoy it."  (Yeah, because they don't have to pay $9.99 to see it.)

Of course, had the drawing yielded a couple of big, hairy guys (or big, hairy women), the LA Times might not have made such a big deal of the picture.

She may be 55...

...But She Told The Sioux City Audience...
...that The Lifeguard lives up to all of the hype.

Even if The Lifeguard felt like he was showing off for Diane Keaton.

Speedos!

Debate Recap



On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)


Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.


As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.


Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Seriously?
The Lifeguard does admit that Time has chosen a few stinkers over its history; but, this one might be the flop of the century.  (Of the last one, too.)

As The Lifeguard's friend, Derek Zoolander once said, "Lucky for me no one I know reads your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called."

Natch.

The First Thing Rick Perry Has Gotten Right Since He Joined This Campaign.
The Lifeguard is the real deal.

Speedos!

"The Lifeguard Is The Shit!"
Former Vice President Al Gore knows it.  He says it loud.  He says it proud.

"I invented the internet," Gore said.

"I also created the specific instructions for solving all problems," noted Gore.  "Why else," he said, "would they be called AlGore-ithms."

"AlGore-ithms, bitch!"

"Now give me my own Nobel Prize!"

Shocker...

"It Was About This Wide."
So now, the world has a reasonable idea of just how well-equipped The Lifeguard is.

And, they're all jealous.  Every last one of them.

It figures...

The Subaru Forester And Occupy Boston.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Speedos!

HFWTFMF?!?
The Lifeguard has spent a lot of time saving the world; or, at the very least, trying.

Last night, The Lifeguard was chatting with a beautiful young woman, who surprisingly had two tattoos.  One was on her wrist and the other was on her inner thigh.  (Don't ask how The Lifeguard knows about that one.)  Now, The Lifeguard is not a fan of tattoos, especially on women; however, they were always useful tools to verify a girl's age.  (They've gotta be eighteen to get a tattoo.)

So, we began discussing the tattoo on her wrist--the one that said, "Angel."  She intimated that it was, "...like, sarcasm."  As to the other tattoo, The Lifeguard was amused at the design, and started to closely examine the artwork.  (Again, don't ask.)

Angel:  "Can you believe I had to get a fake ID so that I could get these tattoos?"

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "Like, I had to get a fake ID when I was in Miami, on...you know...Spring Break last spring.  Like, can you believe that you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo?  It's so...like...stupid."

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I mean, all of my friends were getting them, and I wasn't...like...willing to wait until I was...like...eighteen."

Lifeguard:  "Huh?"

Angel:  "I didn't want to wait...like...two more years."

At which point, The Lifeguard left, longing for the days when girls got fake IDs to buy booze, not to get tattoos.

Variations on a theme.

The Lifeguard Was Out For A Run...
He fell into stride with a pleasant young woman, who wanted to talk about religion.  When she got to the subject of martyrs of the Apostolic Age, she mentioned something about crosses and crucifixion.

Then, she stopped to explain St. Andrew's crucifixion, at which point, The Lifeguard nailed her.  (But, not to a cross.)

It's official.

And, It's Not Just Because The Camera Adds Inches...


After weeks of debate, Becky O'Hara decides to get to the bottom of one of the more pressing issues facing the leaders of the world.


The bottom line?  The Lifeguard is da shit.

Bipartisan Support!

BHO Tells A Crowd The Truth!


The Lifeguard is The Eighth Wonder of The Modern World.

"I just hope he stays the hell away from Michelle," President Obama said.

The Lifeguard Loves Bush!

And Though It Might Be Painful To Admit...
Bush loves The Lifeguard.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Now That's A Cane!
In the hopes of burnishing his credibility, the former Godfather of Godfather's Pizza attempted to demonstrate his knowledge of foreign policy and world events by confirming what Merkel and Putin have been saying.

Now that's big news.

Spreading the word!

Putin Agrees!

The Lifeguard is the shit.

Huntsman Was There...
He knows what Merkel and Emanuel know about The Lifeguard.

Thank you for your service.

THANK YOU, FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE LIFEGUARD'S HEART.


The Lifeguard asks that you take a moment to remember those who died in the service of this great nation, be they soldiers, sailors, airmen, coast guardsmen, or Marines.

Then, thank those that work so hard to defend our freedoms from bad people who wish to do us harm.

May God bless and keep you, one and all.

Speedos!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...
The Lifeguard was watching two very mediocre teams play volleyball.  There wasn't much skill on the part of the teams, and it was not unlike watching paint dry.  But for the fact that there is rally scoring, the match would have lasted forever.  And The Lifeguard hasn't heard people yelling "free ball" that much since the New York Gay Men's Chorus and The Chippendales played the 2009 Cannibal Convention at the Bellagio.

A trip to K-Mart?  Occasionally, it's necessary, if for no other reason than it's the only store in the shopping plaza.  Where else can one find a collection of freaks and morons?  (Outside of the carnival, of course.)  Not only were the aisles empty, the store smelled vaguely of ass-sweat and body odour, with a hint of popcorn and Icee.  (Sort of like the way the Occupy Wall Street compound smells, but better.)  Even the poor don't want to go into K-Mart...for good reason.  (The Lifeguard needed a full-scale decontamination after his visit.  You know, the kind you get after exposure to radiation or chemicals.)

And, what about McDonald's?  While The Lifeguard usually eschews fast food, he is drawn to McDonald's french fries like Amy Winehouse to a crack pipe.  The only difference is that crack might just be less harmful than the fries.

Presidential contender, Texas Governor Rick Perry had another stellar performance at the last debate.  Not only did he forget one of the central themes of his own campaign, he forgot it for 53 seconds.  Now, The Lifeguard is no fan of The Rickster--who is a lot like The Huckster--but, even The Lifeguard knew the three Departments that should be eliminated.

The movie, The Ides of March, starring George Clooney (as an all-white amalgam of President Barack Hussein Obama and William Jefferson Clinton), is an interesting and engaging view of a presidential campaign.  (A Democrat presidential campaign, natch.)  Was it worth $10.00?  No.  But, The Lifeguard had nothing better to do for two hours.

Is this enough mean-spirited and crass commentary for the night?

The Lifeguard says, "Yes!"

Goodnight, y'all.

Cainiac!
Former Godfather's Pizza CEO--and Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain has been spending the last few days defending himself against charges that he sexually harassed a whole boatload of women.  This begs the question, was The Lifeguard the only one who thought of this?

Beautify Boston

Genius!
In a stroke of absolute genius, the City of Boston, the Hub of the Universe, takes the first positive step in making one of the most beautiful cities in the world even more beautiful.

As of November 1st, all public restrooms in Boston have a strict "No Ugly Women" policy, which has been cleverly disguised as a "No Dogs" mandate.  Of course, accepting that there are attractive women in wheelchairs, they are allowed to use the public facilities.

Furthermore, as the Occupy Boston hysteria continues--and the cold weather arrives--the new policy will likely drive a significant number of the 99% from their digs on Dewey Square.  (Fortunately, Occupy Worcester is willing to accept the ugliest of the wretched refuse--which is no surprise, because Worcester is already a pretty ugly city.)

So, if you are ugly, stay away from Boston.  It's the law.

A Modest Proposal...

OBAMACARE RULES!


President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) continued his push for a takeover of one-sixth of the domestic economy, shouting that he "...will not accept the status quo. Not this time. Not now."

This begs the question: "What's wrong with the status quo?"

Really, except for the fact that there is runaway corruption in Medicare, an over-abundance of defensive medicine, and competition-busting legislation that prevents American consumers from shopping for health-care across the nation, there is nothing wrong with the system.

More proof that The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

The Lifeguard Took A Steam With The Godfather
Now, The Godfather is talking about the experience.

Not in a gay way.  Rather, like a viking.

We're Already Doing This...

It's Called The Border Fence.
In perhaps the greatest show of distaste for the hoi polloi...ever, the government of Rio de Janeiro is building walls around the shantytowns that mar the city's southern districts. The efforts will allow for easier control of drugs and violence within those precincts.

You know, sort of like when the Nazis put the Jews in ghettos to make it easier to control that population.

Kiss and tell...

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel Gives It Away...
The Lifeguard has talent.

It's like (more) rain on your wedding day.

"It's Frickin' Freezing in Here."

The December weather in New England is pretty typical of, well, New England in December. And, The Lifeguard has been hearing the usual complaints from the merry band of freaks and retards who don't grasp the concept of life in a northern town.

In most regions, it gets warm in the spring, hot in the summer, cooler in the fall, and cold in the winter. In some places, there is actually snow, and people are expected to drive in the fluffy white stuff. An elementary knowledge of geology--or, the ability to read a newspaper--should be able to figure out the weather patterns for their area.

Just the other day, a man (from El Salvador) said, "Ees cold here."

"No shit, sunshine," replied The Lifeguard. "But, it's probably warm where you come from."

Well, not if that "where" is Cancun, which had record-low temperatures...and a global warming conference.

HFWTFMF?!?

What Are They Thinking?

The Lifeguard recently took his spawn (and their friends) to the movies. This gave The Lifeguard an opportunity to engage in a little sociology experiment entitled, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?"

Not only did The Lifeguard see a wide range of young tramps, dressed in their streetwalker best; but, it seemed that each and every one of these girls was texting up a storm. In fact, The Lifeguard is quite certain that all of the dialogue amongst friends was by way of text message. Is it any wonder that the youth of America are falling further and further behind the rest of the world.

Indeed, when The Lifeguard receives e-mails, rife with spelling and grammatical errors, along with a diet of "r u still doing this?" the chance of the survival of the human race becomes even more problematic.

For Once...

The Lifeguard Agrees
Nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan believes that the United States screwed the pooch relative to Libya.


With the involvement of NATO (and the United States), a power vacuum has been created in the oil-rich North African country, and we are without a reliable means of salvaging anything good out of the morass.


Sure, Colonel Qaddafi was a murderous dictator; but, there needed to be closure.  His murder, at the hands of a rebel fighter does little to enhance America's standing in this nation.  There was no justice, as in the case of Saddam Hussein (who received a trial before his execution); and, there will certainly be some backlash as the video of his death becomes the latest YouTube sensation.


Even Amnesty International was aghast at the treatment received by Colonel Qaddafi.  (You know things are a mess when The Lifeguard, Louis Farrakhan, and Amnesty International are all on the same page.)  News that Qaddafi was sodomised with a knife demonstrates, with greater clarity, the type of people who will fill the leadership in Libya.


Sure, "God is great"; but, doesn't it make one wonder what kind of god accepts this kind of praise?  Doesn't it make one wonder about a god who's law--Sharia--tolerates mistreatment of women and other religions?


The Lifeguard notes that while Qaddafi was a cruel and vicious despot, he was entitled to the kinds of protections that the Geneva Convention mandates--and which the Coalition forces gave to Saddam Hussein.  (The shooting of Osama bin Laden does not fall in the same category--in the event that you believe that The Lifeguard is being inconsistent--since he was not the recognised head of a government.)


So, as Libya moves from an uneasy stability to what will, no doubt, become a violent civil war, The Lifeguard thanks President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ("We came, we saw, he died.") for creating one more hot spot in a world that is moved by religious fanaticism and hatred for Western values.

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  


So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.


Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.


Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"


Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.


Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.


Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)


Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  


This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)


While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)


There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)


So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Speedos!

Debate This!

Another Republican debate happened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-election season (and zero, the number The Lifeguard has watched).  The chattering skulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner for the Republican nomination.  The polls show The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with the governor with great hair.

This has prompted The Lifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relative merits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination.  (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably only offer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshire primary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need to start paying attention.  (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit what they think?)

So, let’s look at the candidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann:  She’s attractive.  She’s a former tax attorney.  She’s out.  Fifty percent of America’s voters will never vote for a woman (as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t get the nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either President Obama or Representative Bachmann).  Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich:  He’s the smartest guy in the race.  He’d make a great president.  But, he’s Newt.  People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch.  More people will remember his serial marriages, his Contract with America, and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shut down the government during the Clinton Administration.  (Of course, the government shutdown was a net gain for America, since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on our fiscal house.)

Rick Santorum:  Former conservative senator and lawyer.  He is also a bright guy, but he is a loser.  He lost a senate campaign—as an incumbent—and therefore is disqualified.  Plus, senators make shitty presidents. 

Governor Rick Perry:  He has done some great work as the Governor of Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way).  Plus, America is not ready for another former Texas governor.  No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

The Audacity of the Dope...

No Wonder She Shops At Target
If The Lifeguard had charged the American people over $425,000.00 (for airfare) to travel to Africa, he'd shop at Target too.  (Actually, The Lifeguard wouldn't shop at Target.  Instead, he'd purchase his safari-wear at Orvis or Cabela's.)


Not only did the First Lady--who has incredibly toned arms--take her mother, a niece and nephew, and her two daughters (who were listed on the flight manifest as "senior staff") on this Dark Continent boondoggle, she managed to take in a safari and meet Nelson Mandela, too.   All at a time when the US economy is struggling and millions remain unemployed (or underemployed).  At the very least, she could have flown commercial, chartered a jet, or simply stayed at home.


The Lifeguard reckons that the guilt of having given the American people the finger may have evoked some guilt in the First Lady, thus prompting her to shop at Target.

Here we go again...

Isn't It Ironic Redux Redux
Anna Kournikova is the host of The Biggest Loser.

HFWTFMF?!?

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
We have, as a society, gone absolutely bugfuck crazy.  Not only have women (and men) gone off the deep end in their quest to be beautiful, they have taken to do-it-yourself plastic surgery.  Recently, a woman died from injecting beef fat into her face, proving once more that truth is stranger than fiction.


The woman, a 63 year old hausfrau, had done the procedure previously, without incident.  (Well, her dogs did love to lick her face, but that is a completely different story.)  In fact, her age was more than likely the only reason that she is not a Darwin Awards nominee.  The fact that this woman has passed on her DNA is frightening, and there is no doubt in The Lifeguard's mind that her spawn will, one day, be on some sort of disability, living on the backs of the hard working men and women of America.  


There is also some lawyer, salivating, at the chance to sue America's pharmaceutical and cattle industries for producing such dangerous products as syringes and cows.  (Also a completely different story.)


The Lifeguard has no doubt that some day, Obamacare--in one of its later evolutions--will cover collagen and BoTox injections for all.

HFWTFMF?!?

Irony Redux.
It's ironic that Magic Johnson gets AIDS, and Magic Dick does not.

Never Forget

Remember the 2,977 Victims...

Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!