Thursday, October 13, 2011


Debate This!

Another Republican debate happened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-election season (and zero, the number The Lifeguard has watched).  The chattering skulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner for the Republican nomination.  The polls show The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with the governor with great hair.

This has prompted The Lifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relative merits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination.  (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably only offer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshire primary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need to start paying attention.  (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit what they think?)

So, let’s look at the candidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann:  She’s attractive.  She’s a former tax attorney.  She’s out.  Fifty percent of America’s voters will never vote for a woman (as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t get the nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either President Obama or Representative Bachmann).  Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich:  He’s the smartest guy in the race.  He’d make a great president.  But, he’s Newt.  People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch.  More people will remember his serial marriages, his Contract with America, and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shut down the government during the Clinton Administration.  (Of course, the government shutdown was a net gain for America, since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on our fiscal house.)

Rick Santorum:  Former conservative senator and lawyer.  He is also a bright guy, but he is a loser.  He lost a senate campaign—as an incumbent—and therefore is disqualified.  Plus, senators make shitty presidents. 

Governor Rick Perry:  He has done some great work as the Governor of Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way).  Plus, America is not ready for another former Texas governor.  No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

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