Thursday, December 27, 2012

You're Gonna Need Some Bleach For Your Eyes

Federal Regulations Require That
The Lifeguard Have The Occasional Picture Of An Ugly Chick

(In this case, the lucky lady is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.)

At a recent speaking engagement at Syracuse Law School, Sotomayor asked a comely 3L if it were true that The Lifeguard was this big.  When the student affirmed the question, Sotomayor gasped, "Santa Maria!"

In other news, Sotomayor was the justice who denied a request to block part of the federal health care law that requires health care plans to pay for emergency contraception pills, such as the morning-after pill.

Hobby Lobby Stores, and a sister company, Mardel, Inc., sued claiming that the requirement violated their religious beliefs.  Sotomayor, however, disagreed, citing government lawyers (as opposed to doctors) who said that the emergency contraception does not cause abortions.

The opinion will allow Hobby Lobby and Mardel, however, to continue to challenge the regulation in lower courts (while incurring $1.3 million per day in fines starting on January 1, 2013).

Now, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that if there were severe restrictions on alcohol consumption, the need for morning-after pills might be reduced.  After all, if ugly people didn't get drunk, they wouldn't hook up and do the nasty.

Actually, the solution to the problem is to take all contraception off-prescription.  Sell it all, over-the-counter, next to the condoms, the Trojan vibrators, and pregnancy tests.  This will de-politicize birth control as an election issue, and will eliminate the requirement that insurance pay for any type of contraception.  The market will take care of the rest.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal supports this move, as does The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.  The science has demonstrated that oral contraception is safe, and eliminating the requirement for a prescription would lower prices and end the bickering over who loves women more.

Call your representative in Washington, and ask them to support legislation that will permit the sale of all oral contraception over-the-counter.  Ring (202)224-3121, today.  And, remember, friends don't let friends fuck ugly people.

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