#DenverDebate

The Lifeguard is here, with much-anticipated commentary on the much-anticipated Presidential Debate.  (By “here,” The Lifeguard means “here” on the Lifeguard Stand.

• Six 15-minute segments.  One segment for every beer in a six-pack.
• Who dressed President Obama?  Why in the name of all that is holy did Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly committed to being not a Muslim, wear a blue tie and a blue suit against a blue background?
• Governor Romney has magnificent hair, a reasonable tie, and a firm handle on the facts.  His hands are moving too much, however.  The Lifeguard feels like he is watching a WASP channeling a Sicilian olive grower.
• Governor Romney, in the first segment, is on fire.  (He still seems very uncomfortable in his own skin, but he is on fire.)
• President Obama has the solution to the troubles in America:  Re-elect Bill Clinton.
• Governor Romney has talked about all manner of tax increases, tax rates, and tax revenues.  Why, however, is Romney not talking about the tax increases that spin off the Affordable Care Act?
• Jim Lehrer looks like he needs a death panel. 
• Jim Lehrer aghast that Governor Romney wants to cut funding to PBS, if he is elected to the presidency.  His eyes got mighty wide.
• BHO, talking about why it wasn’t his fault that there is a $16 trillion deficit, mentions “aircrafts” that Congress got, but that the military didn’t want.  That’s like saying that you’re worried about the Viet Congs.
• If BHO is so worried about tax policy, then why doesn’t he push for a reduction in the corporate taxation rate to something a little more reasonable, like 20%.  After all, Ronald Reagan was right when he said, “Corporations don’t pay taxes.”
• Romney beats the shit out of BHO on the issue of so-called Green Energy jobs.  (You know, the jobs that he created at Solyndra.)
• This is like watching a boxing match, where the aging heavyweight gets schooled by the young challenger.  Sort of like watching Rocky, where everyone is wearing a suit.
• This is so boring.
• According to President Obama, private insurance needs to, “…make a profit.”  Finally, he mentions the need for private companies to “make a profit.”
• Repeal Dodd-Frank!
• Romney, on RomneyCare.  He’s got a better grasp on things than Obama does on ObamaCare.
• The Lifeguard fell asleep for about 30 minutes.  Thank you, Tito.
• The Lifeguard is surprised that the Secret Service didn’t tackle Governor Romney, because he was killing the president.
• This was like watching Rocky Balboa beat the shit out of Clubber Lang in Rocky III.
• MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow seems to give Romney the win.  A sign of the apocalypse?
• Why don’t people understand that keeping the status quo, vis a vis the Bush Tax Cuts, is not a tax increase?  And we let these people vote?  Fuckwits.
• If the Presidential Debate Commission wanted someone from PBS to moderate tonight, they should have gotten Big Bird.

That’s all for now, kids.

HFWTFMF?!?

The Exit For The Road To Happiness

You guessed it!  It's the post-London 2012 edition of Speedos!

• Vice President Joe Biden offended Republicans when he said that the Ryan-Romney ticket would put (black) people back in chains.  But, since the Democrats can't be racists, there is no way that Biden's use of a chains reference--to a predominately black audience--does anything to inflame racial sentiments.  Neither does Hillary!'s comment about Ghandi running a gas station in St. Louis.  Or, the Preezy of the Heezy's comment that his grandmother was a typical white person.  Or that Senator Harry Reid was impressed by the "...light-skinned Obama's lack of a 'Negro Dialect.'" 
• So, why do people go bat-shit when any Republican mentions a "tar baby"?  Or, when anyone uses the word niggardly?
• Maybe Biden was trying to say that the Republican plan for handling the black unemployment crisis was to put black people back in chains.
• Saudi Arabia is building a women-only city, where 5,000 women can work freely, out of the sight of gawking men.  The Saudis claim that this will solve the underemployment problem faced by their highly-educated female population.  The Lifeguard thinks that this will further marginalize women in the Islamic world.
• Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, selected Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate.  Immediately, the Democrat machine began smearing Ryan for his evil plans to throw granny over the cliff, to make the rich richer, and to destroy America as we know it. 
• The Lifeguard thinks that pushing a grandma (or two million) over the cliff could save Social Security, Medicare, and the pension funds of several large cities.
• Maybe the Social Security Administration's purchase of 174,000 bullets gives us some insight on the Obama Administration's plan to save Social Security.

The Lifeguard knows that this is a little too brief, but he's got shit to do.

More later, y'all.

HFWTFMF?!?

Banned From The Olympics

Greek triple-jump champion, Voula Papachristou, was booted from the Greek Olympic team because of an unpopular tweet.

On Twitter, the pulchritudinous star noted, "With so many Africans in Greece, the West Nile mosquitoes will be getting home food!!!"

The statement isn't particularly funny; but, it's also not a reason to ban someone from participating in the Olympics.  After all, West Nile is a vector-borne disease, first isolated in the West Nile District of Uganda, in 1937.  She was merely attempting to make a joke about how the....  Wait.  Does The Lifeguard really have to explain this to y'all?  It's not racism.

As far as The Lifeguard is concerned, and since she now appears to have some free time, Voula can watch the Olympics with him.  There might even be some jumping.  Three times.  Three times a day.

Today, y’all get a special, July 4^th edition of Speedos!

(Well, The Lifeguard doesn’t know if it’s really special; but, it is July 4^th.)

• Happy Birthday, America.  Where else but America could The Lifeguard post such a magnificent blog without being thrown in jail?  (The Lifeguard is sure that there are such places; but, he’s also pretty sure that he doesn’t want to live in them.)  As a birthday exercise, The Lifeguard suggests that everyone take a look at the Bill of Rights.
• When you do read the Bill of Rights, pay special attention to the sections discussing abortion, universal health care, and a right to privacy.
• In China, a group of six ethnic Uighurs (or, do they like to be called Uighroes?) tried to hijack an internal flight.  The passengers beat two of the six to death, proving once more that China is a bad place to hijack a plane.  (And, that while all Muslims are not hijackers, you can be pretty damn sure that your hijackers are Muslims.)
• A Uighur spokesman claimed it was just a “seating dispute.”  (While The Lifeguard has wanted to beat some of his fellow passengers to death, he has always shown restraint.)  Were the Uighroes told to sit in the back of the plane?  Were they not given peanuts?  Too much fondling by the Chinese TSA?
• The Lifeguard was at the bank and overheard one of the tellers on the phone.  “Watch out for him,” she said.  “He’s a chronological liar.” 
• The Lifeguard toured several ships visiting for Navy Week 2012.  (This year’s visit is especially significant, in that it marks the bicentennial of the War of 1812, which was America’s second War of Independence.)  Special thanks to the crews of the USCGC Eagle, HNoMS Thor Heyerdahl, and HDMS Esbern Snare. 
• In case anyone from the Coast Guard is reading this, USCGC Eagle (formerly SNF Horst Wessel) was a “spoil of war” from World War II.  She was named for Horst Wessel, a Nazi martyr, and was originally used to train Kriegsmarine sailors.  (You’d think the USCGA cadets giving the tours would know that shit.)
• The Lifeguard is getting tired of listening to the Right bash Chief Justice John Roberts.  (The Lifeguard doesn’t agree with the Chief Justice’s opinion, but understands his thought process.)  If it’s not the Left, it’s the Right.  (And, it’s much more tiresome when the person doing the bashing has neither read nor understood the decision.)
• Given the gift of a decision painting the Affordable Care Act as a giant tax increase, Governor Mitt Romney’s guy, Eric Fehrnstrom fucks it up by saying that Romney agrees that it’s a fee, not a tax.  First, it’s Etch-A-Sketches, now this.  The Lifeguard is beginning to think that he could fuck up a wet dream.  (Or, that he’s on the Obama payroll.)
• Speaking of the ObamaCare “tax” on so-called “free riders,” what penalty or fee is imposed upon illegal immigrants who seek medical care (read obstetric services for their anchor babies) in our hospitals?  Are they going to pay a fee for being free riders?  (Or, is our fee meant to pay for their free ride?)
• When Nancy Pelosi (D-Fuckwit) talks about the evil "free riders," does she also mean illegal immigrants, who drive up health care (and other) costs?  The Lifeguard is guessing...no.
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who thinks that Nancy Pelosi and Bruce Jenner look alike?
• The Lifeguard can fix health care in about 20 minutes.  In about 20 pages.  If only someone would ask. 
• If fireworks and handguns are illegal in Massachusetts, how come so many people are shooting off both?

On that note, The Lifeguard is off to visit his new friend from the Danish Navy.  (As these are naval operations, The Lifeguard expects it to get very wet.)

POTUS STFU!

Our Nation's Most Pressing Problem

President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains a fervent non-Muslim, has weighed in on the nation's most pressing problem.

Not the fiasco that is ObamaCare.

Not spiking gasoline prices.

Not the threat to peace in the Middle East.

Not childhood obesity.

Not whether Sandra Fluke was called a "slut"; or, that if he had a son, he'd look like Trayvon Martin.

Nope, BHO has decided to tell a private golf club that they should admit women as members.  

Coming off a week where he threatened the Supreme Court with his comments about the individual mandate, he has weighed in on the Augusta National policy that prohibits women from being members of the club.  

Oh, sure, a woman can play a round of golf at Augusta, she just can't play without an invitation from a member.  Just like every other country club in America.

But, Obama needs the vote of women, especially those that don't belong to country clubs.  And, Obama knows golf, having played more than 90 times in his just over three years in office.  (In fact, it might be one of the only things that BHO is good at, given his 17 handicap.)

And, since this type of pronouncement makes for good press (when everything else you say makes you look like a fucking idiot), President Obama charges right into the fray.

Frankly, The Lifeguard couldn't care less about the issue.  Golf on television is stupid.  It's boring.  It's painful.  It's stupid.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard just said that.)    

Sure, The Lifeguard loves golf.  (Just the other night, Nurse Dagmar was admiring The Lifeguard's driver's stiff shaft and his dimpled balls.)  And, The Lifeguard would give just about anything to play a round at Augusta.  However, it's just not something that the president should be involved with.  (Especially if he ever wants to play at Augusta National.)  If women are so exercised about membership in a club that they will never be members of, then let them scream about it.  But, the president should simply shut the fuck up.

[Note:  If anyone wants to invite The Lifeguard to play Augusta, please feel free to contact me.  Or, if the 2010 DePauw University women's golf team would like to play around with The Lifeguard, they should definitely call.]

Sigh...

Will You Please Shut The Fuck Up!

(And Take Off That Stupid Hat!)

Last week, as the calls for George Zimmerman's scalp grew louder (but before the New Black Panther Party slapped a $10,000.00 bounty on his half-Hispanic head), The Lifeguard was asked for his thoughts on the miscarriage of justice taking place in Sanford, Florida.  

Now, as a former Floridian (The Lifeguard left to get away from all of the damn Yankees, who were moving down south in droves, like rats abandoning the high-tax Titanic that is New England), and witness to the devastation of race riots, The Lifeguard had some thoughts on the subject.  (Come to think of it, The Lifeguard has some thoughts on every subject.)

However, since The Lifeguard was otherwise occupied, this post is coming well after the bloom is off the rose that is Trayvon Martin.  And, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that the real "miscarriage of justice" arises because of all of the race-baiting hucksters looking to get their fame ticket punched for another fifteen minutes of face time.

The Lifeguard's first thought on hearing the 911 tape ("He looks like he's on drugs") was, "The kid was probably on drugs, jonesin' for some junk food."  (Iced tea and Skittles would not have been The Lifeguard's choice.)  It turns out that The Lifeguard (and George Zimmerman) might just have been correct, as Trayvon had been suspended from school for possession of a marijuana pipe and a baggie with some pot residue.

Then, The Lifeguard asked, "Who the fuck gives a kid a name like 'Trayvon'?"  "Seriously?  It's a tragedy that a 17 year old might have been accidentally shot; but, "Trayvon"?  As a parent, you are asking for bad shit to happen to your little bundle of joy.  (Also bad:  DaSean, Nushawn, DeTroyt, Taqueisha, and Shaniqua. The Lifeguard gives Shaquille O'Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, and Benjarvus Green-Ellis (to name three) passes for succeeding in spite of their made-up names.)

And finally, as for profiling, The Lifeguard doesn't understand the problem.  That shit works.  (There was a day when "profiling" was called "good police work."). The Lifeguard has been profiled.  (Young male + expensive European sedan + Miami at 2:00am = "License and registration, please.")  Seriously, if you want to avoid problems with the police/Neighbourhood Watch-types, don't look/act like the majority of criminals with whom they interact.    (Hoodie=Hoodlum?)  Especially if you are a visiting a gated community.  And, don't jump on someone--it appears that Trayvon engaged first--in Florida, because that cat might just be packin' heat.

The Lifeguard:  "Let me tell you how that shit went down. Zimmerman called 911, followed the stranger, then got jumped. Once he was attacked, it was kill-or-be-killed for Zim."

Other Person:  "Racist. You don't know.  You weren't there."

The Lifeguard:  "No, but The Lifeguard was 17, once."

Other Person:  "So?"

The Lifeguard:  "So, the kid--full of piss and vinegar--probably said, 'Whatchoo doin' followin' me?  I finna kick yo' cracker ass.'  Then, he took a swing at him.  The injuries support the claim that the ZimmerMan was getting his ass kicked."

OP:  "You weren't there."

TL:  "No, but The Lifeguard bets he is pretty close."

And, he was.