Beating that dead horse...to death.

A slut sleeps with everybody, a cunt sleeps with everybody but you.

Probably explains Bill Maher's frustration.

The Lifeguard wonders...

...If This Will Become The Second Most Downloaded Photo By People In A Theocracy

The Lifeguard has noticed that the single most popular post in this blog is one that has a picture of girls kissing.  (Interestingly, there are a surprising number of visitors to this post from the Islamic Republic of Iran.)

So, The Lifeguard decided he'd do something charitable for the folks living in that part of the world.  (You know the part of the world that stones people for the kind of activity shown above.  The part that treats women like second-class citizens.  The part that believes that women must be covered from head-to-toe.)

Iran, this butt's for you.

HFWTFMF?!?

Travel Sucks Already

The Lifeguard went to Florida to do a little business in his former hometown, Tampa.  This involved air travel, and a visit to the friendly TSA agents manning airport security.  Truthfully, if things keep up this way, air travel will become only marginally better than prison rape.  (Actually, the only difference between air travel and prison rape is that you choose air travel.)

So, after getting to the airport and checking in, The Lifeguard emptied his pockets, removed his belt and shoes, pulled out his laptop (from the buttery leather attache) and placed it in the Rubbermaid tray, fished out his driving licence, secured his boarding pass, checked his pockets for any pieces of paper that might remain (seriously, the millimetre wave scanners require everything--including a dollar bill--be removed from your pockets), and approached the scanner.

At this point, The Lifeguard noted that all women were being diverted from the Whole Body Scanner to a conventional metal detector.  All women.  

Why would the TSA do this?  Are they treating women differently?  Are there radiation fears?  Does the TSA think that women don't blow up shit?  (Or, have there been so many complaints about the images finding their way onto the internet that the TSA decided to send women through a different screening process?)  

The Lifeguard asked for the same courtesy, but was told that the selection process was random.  (So random that every woman was selected for one type of scanner and every man was selected for the other?)   

Finally, through security, The Lifeguard reached the gate--and his ride--and settled in for the flight south.  (The Lifeguard had a row all to himself.)  Of course, all of the room in the world does not make up for the fact that the flight attendant's ass was wider than the beverage cart (and almost as long).  Every time--every time--the flight attendant went down the aisle, her ass smacked The Lifeguard's arm.  (The upside, however, was that The Lifeguard had a place to put his coffee.)  

Seriously, the flight attendant's ass was so big that when she sat down, she was three feet taller.

She was so fat, the other flight attendants were orbiting her.

She was so fat that when we were number one for take-off, she was number two.

The Lifeguard wonders why a woman--who most certainly couldn't fit through a wing exit--can have a job as a flight attendant.  One would think that the safety of those on an airplane outweighs (heh heh, "outweighs") the feelings of one overweight woman.  It sort of made The Lifeguard long for the days when flight attendants had to make weight to fly.  

The Lifeguard had a few other observations about his travel experience.  (You can't wait to read them, can you?)

• In Atlanta, the airplane had a flat tire.  (The pilot called AAA.)  We could feel the plane being jacked up to permit the pit crew to change the tire.  It was actually kind of cool.
• The ATL-TPA segment was uneventful and pleasant, save for the father who left his son to yammer away while he played video games on his phone (sans headphones).  Seriously, if you don't have the sense to keep your child quiet (or try), don't fly.  (Certainly not when The Lifeguard is on the plane.)  The Lifeguard does not understand why the flight attendants don't address this nonsense.
• The Lifeguard is convinced that for every fit and attractive female flight attendant, there are at least five that might be a threat to the safety of the passengers.
• When The Lifeguard sits in an exit row, the other passengers have nothing to fear in the event of an emergency.  Not only will The Lifeguard open the emergency exit, he'll help everyone out of the plane (from outside of the plane).
• The $25.00 per bag charge may be revenue gold for the airlines; but, a complete pain in the ass for anyone who travels by air.  There is no need for you to bring 100 pounds of shit on the plane, then try to lift it into the overhead bin.  In fact, a good rule of thumb is that if you can't lift it, don't bring it.  (This would save millions in workers' compensation claims and medical bills.)
• The Lifeguard has never seen such a small bag of pretzels in his life.  With peanut-sized pretzels, no less.
• $6.00 for a beer?  Maybe in a club, in Boston; but, not in an aluminum tube.  Service is shitty enough, so throw us a bone.  In fact, free beer might just change the mood of the traveling public.  (And, most certainly of The Lifeguard.)
• There is no better airport than Tampa's.  And, it's been that way for 25 years.
• The JetBlue flight back to Boston was great.  The aircrew was great, too.  (In case they are reading this, thanks K, J, and C.)
• A woman on the TPA-BOS flight started talking to The Lifeguard.  The Lifeguard said, "Did you have a good time in Tampa?"  She said, "How did you know I was in Tampa?"  The Lifeguard replied, "I'm psychic."

It's good to be home, y'all.

Keep the faith!

Huh?

"I Need Me Some Cheesy Grits, Fried Catfish, And Hushpuppies To Go With This Chicken."

When Mitt Romney said this, every Southerner in America had their heart skip a beat.  (And not from all of the cholesterol and fatty foods that every Southerner in America has eaten.)

It's statements like this that cause Southern folk to hate Yankees.

In fact, The Lifeguard is reminded of the joke about the difference between a Yankee and a damn Yankee.

(The Yankee goes home after his vacation is over.  The damn Yankee buys a house.  And runs for president.)

It's over, Johnny.

The Southern Strategy

Today, voters in Alabama and Mississippi go to the polls to cast their vote for the Republican challenger best suited to defeat President Obama in November.  The front-runner, Governor Mitt Romney ("I was for catfish and grits before I was against them, but after I had them, I was for them again.") hopes to deliver a knockout blow to Newt and former Pennsylvania senator, Rick Santorum.  Oh, and Congressman Ron Paul.  Beating him, too.

It may be that the South does get behind Mitt, having bought the hype that he is the front-runner, the anointed Republican.  (It also may be that Mitt comes off as just another carpetbagging Yankee who will say anything to get elected.)

Of course, the big knock on Mittens is that he is rich and out of touch with the common man.  (Not that President Obama is all that in touch with the common man...unless he works for Solyndra, was a Black Panther, or a member of a public sector union.)  But, then again, he is rich and out of touch with the common man.  (How else to explain his love of catfish and cheesy grits.)

The story is developing, and The Lifeguard will be here, with analysis, commentary, and thoughts about the two University of Alabama coeds who are working on The Lifeguard's staff.

Isn't it ironic?

Rhymes With Truck

The Lifeguard had no idea...none...that that was how her name was pronounced.  Seriously.  What are the chances?

In other news, assuming that Ms. Fluke did spend $3,000.00 on birth control (e.g., condoms) over three years in law school, that would equate to her having sex approximately 5.5 times per day for three years.  That's 38 times per week.  165 times per month.

That's approaching what The Lifeguard believes to be a normal sexual diet.

So, Sandra, The Lifeguard says, "Respect."

Speedos!

Super Tuesday!

The Lifeguard can't wait to parse the results of today's Republican primaries.  The Lifeguard's prediction?  There will be as much confusion tomorrow (before The Lifeguard parses) as there is today.  But, when The Lifeguard is finished, you'll know everything.

In the meantime, chew on this delectable menu of tasty intellectual delights.

• The Lifeguard was enabling a friend last night.  Not enabling in the traditional sense; but, rather, helping said friend avoid work on a dissertation.  As a result, The Lifeguard was able to create a new and exciting word for just these occasions.  Procrassertation.  It means the act of studiously avoiding the completion of one's Ph.D. dissertation.  
• Leaked Stratfor e-mails indicate that the body of Osama bin Laden was not buried at sea.  Perhaps President Obama (who is still not a Muslim) should have released those "photographs" of the room temperature bin Laden, sliding down the board, into the sea.  The Lifeguard predicts that this will overshadow arguments about whether or not BHO was actually born in Hawaii.
• The price of gasoline goes up...again.  While it is true that we are not yet at European levels, The Lifeguard still hates the fact that it costs almost a C-note to fill the Swedish Ford with gas.  The Lifeguard has plans that would help reduce the price of gas, and it doesn't involve electric cars, wind turbines, or fluorescent light bulbs.  It does involve more drilling, more pipelines, more nuclear power plants, and more refinery capacity.  
• It is interesting to note that North America could surpass Qatar as the world's leading exporter of liquified natural gas (LNG).  In order to do this, America needs more pipelines.  (More pipelines=more high-paying union jobs.)  In case you were wondering, more than 100 million cubic feet of natural gas is burned off in the North Dakota oil fields.  If only there were a way to capture this wasted gas.  Oh, wait!  If there were more pipelines, then there would be more natural gas to liquify and export.
• The Chevy Volt (a/k/a the Opel Ampera) was just named the European Car of the Year.  Maybe the General could export some of those bad boys to Europe.  (Or, as The Lifeguard has suggested, to prospective suicide bombers in the Middle East.  "Look ma!  No bombs!  Just this Chevy Volt that occasionally bursts into flame.")
• For those senior citizens struggling on a fixed income, who can't find greeter work at Wal-Mart, there is a new AARP-endorsed business opportunity.  "Cooking meth is a great way for retired chemical engineers to make a few extra bucks," an AARP spokesman noted.  "Plus, in a nursing home, all of the constituent parts are readily available," he said.  The elderly have joined college students in this lucrative endeavour.  The added bonus is that the elderly will have money to buy Viagra, and the college students will have money to buy birth control.  
• In Kansas City, lack teens set a white teen on fire.  Using gasoline.  The Lifeguard wonders where they got the money to buy $4.00 a gallon gas.  

Time to go to work...and vote.

Speedos!

The Lifeguard Knows

Why Contraception

Is An Issue In 2012

It's an election year.

And, we're all going to get fucked.

Hard.

It's a fluke, right?

A Slut Sleeps With Everyone.

The Lifeguard doesn't understand the tempest in the teapot surrounding Rush Limbaugh's comments about 30 year old Georgetown 3L, Sandra Fluke.  

She inserted herself into the debate over contraception--which has nothing to do with health care--and made herself a public figure.  Limbaugh made a joke, then backed down when the outcry became so great as to threaten his advertising income.  Ever the businessman and entertainer, Limbaugh retreated and apologised.

Oh, one last thought.  Why is it that all of the contraceptive crusaders are women that The Lifeguard wouldn't fuck...on a bet?  

The Lifeguard say...

Burqas Okay!

But only if the women look like An-Sofie Dewinter.

Only in New England.

Astounding!

Another winter storm, more griping and complaining about the weather.

Not only was there a run on the supermarket following the news of the impending storm, there was a complete over-reaction by the store's patrons as they stripped the shelves bare, carting away milk, bread and other treats.  It so much more indicative of the Zombie Apocalypse than 6" of snow as to be funny.

The Lifeguard reminds these folks, surprised at the falling snow, to breathe, look at a map (see where New England is in relation to, say, Florida), then slap yourself silly. (The Lifeguard would do it, but he can't get to everyone.)

Every time there is a storm, The Lifeguard imagines the orgy where all of these dopes had their brains fucked out. (There can be no other explanation for the snow-fueled panic in the stores and on the roads.)

As for school--which was canceled over much of the Boston area--The Lifeguard wonders how kids will adapt to the working world if school is canceled every time someone says the word "snow."

The Lifeguard never got a snow day.  (Of course, The Lifeguard spent much of his youth in Florida; but, still....)

Callista asked for the truth about The Lifeguard.

Newt Said, "You Can't Handle The Truth!"

HFWTFMF?!?

Kenneth Clyde Jackson Was Naked At Work Because He Was Hot

Well, not that hot.

Of course, maybe the fellas in the Texas State Penitentiary will have an opinion somewhat different than The Lifeguard.  (Or, maybe they won't care.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Tar Baby

The Lifeguard remembers great moments in Mitt Romney history.

Back in the day, when Governor Mitt Romney was a moderate Republican governor, he left the big city for the cornfields of Iowa, to speak at a Republican gathering.  Just a friendly gathering (not like he was exploring the possibility of a run for the White House, or anything like that).  

There, the well-coiffed one was asked a question about the Big Dig, the now-outdated rat-hole into which $16 billion taxpayer dollars were dumped.  He paused.  He reflected.  He said, ``The best thing for me to do politically is stay away from the Big Dig -- just get as far away from that tar baby as I possibly can."

Now, The Lifeguard doesn't think for a minute that Governor Romney meant this in a racially insensitive way (or, that he was referring to the Toni Morrison novel); but, the general public ain't that smart.  (And, it's those "not that smart" voters that Mitt needs to get in order to win the nomination, then the general election.)  Seriously, the controversy over this term has kept Disney from releasing "Song of the South" on DVD. 

Still, The Lifeguard finds it amusing that this story has not yet made it into the political dialogue.  (If Governor Romney gets the nod, however, The Lifeguard is giving even money that some pro-Obama Super PAC will make hay with this story.)

Speedos!

The Lifeguard Skis!

The Lifeguard took off for a much-needed holiday, tearing up the slopes at a New Hampshire resort.  As good as the conditions were, The Lifeguard states, unequivocally, "It ain't Utah."

Still, The Lifeguard had a great time, unplugged from the outside world.  But, a lot has happened, and it seems appropriate to comment on those happenings right here.

• A silent film won the Academy Award for Best Picture.  Why wasn't the acceptance speech done with subtitles?
• Former Senator Rick Santorum (Loser-PA) blew up in the last Republican debate when he said that he voted for No Child Left Behind (which, ironically, was written with help from the late Senator Ted Kennedy) because he was taking one for the team.  Now, he has gone on the attack, trying to convince voters that he can win as a conservative.  The Lifeguard wonders how this can be, when he couldn't win, as a conservative incumbent, in Pennsylvania.
• Occupy Denver protesters threw urine bombs at Denver police.  What kind of unwashed morons do this kind of thing?  Why don't the police clear them out of their encampment?  Could it have something to do with the fact that the Denver Police Union likes the fact that their members get all sorts of overtime for monitoring the behaviour of the protesters?  (The Lifeguard notes that the Boston Police didn't seem to mind standing around the Occupy Boston camp.  And, they got $1.4 million in overtime for doing it.)
• Why do skiing New Yorkers have to act like...well, New Yorkers?  The Lifeguard was nearly run over by clueless skiers bombing down the hill with reckless abandon.  The worst part?  New Yorkers skiing out of control tend to sport the latest and greatest helmets, which make them all the more deadly as they career down the mountain.  And, while The Lifeguard is not a fan of wearing a helmet when skiing, he thinks that it might be better if they were required attire.  [Note to presidential candidates:  American helmet manufacturers could profit.  As long as they aren't designed by the same guy who designed the Chevy Volt.]

That's all for now.

Irony?

She Didn't Need A Bodyguard...

Whitney Houston (who died in a bathtub in the Beverly Hilton Hotel) needed a lifeguard.

Suck it, Costner.  If only the pop diva had hired The Lifeguard, she'd be alive today.

(The Lifeguard could also explain the real reason she had a gravy boat with her.)

Yikes!

If You See An Iranian Carrying One Of These...

...run like hell.  In the opposite direction.

Now that Iranian hit squads are tooling around with boom boxes* packed with explosives and ball bearings, The Lifeguard is going to be extra cautious.

As an aside, what sort of music does a suicide bomber listen to (on his boom box**) when he is going...um...well..."BOOM"?  The Lifeguard votes for "Sex Bomb" (by Tom Jones).

*    Pun intended.
**  Pun still intended.

Today tastes so good...

BMW+KFC=DMF

Hellena Louise Smith had a jones for a bucket of fried chicken and a 40.  So, she hopped in "The Ultimate Driving Machine" and went to "The Ultimate Frying Machine" to satisfy her craving.

Sadly, she lost control of her car as she tried to power slide into the parking lot, causing it to flip over and over, before it went into the drive-through window.  (Well, the new drive-through window.  The one that you can drive through.)

The Lifeguard does love his fried chicken; but, the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face, isn't worth dying for.  (Maybe Bojangles.  Possibly Popeye's.  Not KFC.)

Oh, I got the memo.

"I Was Out All Night And Didn't Have Time To Change"

When asked about her outfit choice, Secretary of State Hillary! (Clinton) noted that she had been out, partying like a rock star in Los Cabos, Mexico.  

"We started out drinking cerveza, and the next thing I knew, I was lined up with a bunch of college girls to do body shots with an American tourist," Mrs. Clinton said.  "When I found out it was The Lifeguard, I called Chancellor Merkel on my sat phone and asked for the 411," Clinton remarked.  

When asked about The Lifeguard, Clinton held up her hands and said, "It's true.  It's true!"

The G20 will never be the same again.

Ironic!

TERRIFYING!
A fifty-year old douchebag goes batshit at Disneyland--ironically, outside the Tower of Terror ride--and provides plenty of terror to the park's patrons.

It seems to The Lifeguard that if you and your family shell out a butt-load of money to go to see Mickey, you shouldn't have to see a lunatic get pepper sprayed, you should get to see park security bust a cap in the guy's ass.

For $250.00 a day, The Lifeguard wants gun-play.  For an extra $50.00, the chance to pistol-whip the belligerent.

Whitney Houston...still dead.

And I Will Always Love You

WhitneyHouston, pop-music icon died after years of drug use.  (Whitney didn’t abuse drugs, she flat out used the shit out of them.)

At the direction of Governor Chris Christie, all of the flags in New Jersey, her home state, will fly at half-mast.  (Similarly, Frank Sinatra and Clarence Clemons got the same honour.)  Her funeral will be streamed, live, on the internet.  The music world will mourn her passing for years to come.

For The Lifeguard, the biggest surprise in the story is that Tyler Perry has his own mother-humping plane.

What happens if he catches him?

Joseph Kennedy III to Run For Barney Frank's Seat...

Given Hot Bottom's age, I don't think he'll have to run that fast.

Speedos!

We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

• Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
• Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
• Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
• Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
• Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
• A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
• The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
• President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
• The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
• Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
• Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard "...in a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)

All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.

Black History Month Remembers...

Whitney Houston

Pop-music icon, Whitney Houston is, as of this writing, still dead.

She remains dead, along with Osama bin Laden, Princess Diana, and General Ulysses S. Grant.

Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard, has been summoned for questioning.

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over

Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.  

Wait!  What?  Did The Lifeguard read that correctly?  "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Oh, baby!

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come.  Or, that he had risen.  (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Prime Time Television

The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl.  (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)  

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B. 

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.

Hate!

Valentine's Day Is Coming

And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

Not the MVP.

It's No Corvette

Giants' QB Eli Manning was the Super Bowl MVP.  He got a Corvette, which (in reality) was paid for by the American taxpayers.  (Which is to say, "Mainly Warren Buffett's secretary.")

As the losing QB, Tom Brady got a Chevy Volt (shown above).  

(And, no, it wasn't set on fire by surly Pats fans at UMass-Amherst.  It burst into flame on its own accord.)

HFWTFMF?!?

He Gets The Lifeguard's Vote

People are in a dither about Rep. Pete Hoekstra's Super Bowl advertisement.  Something about racism, insensitivity, xenophobia, and stereotypes.

The Michigan Republican, who is running for Senator Debbie Stabenow's seat, has been called a racist for the advertisement.  The Lifeguard doesn't care, however.  It's a poignant ad (what with all of the discussions about America being beholden to China), which hits a raw nerve because it speaks (on some level) the truth.

Think about it for a second.  The advertisement is meant to portray a Chinese woman...in China.  The Lifeguard thinks that she speaks pretty good English for a Chinese woman in China.  (Better, certainly, than The Lifeguard's Mandarin.)  Second, it highlights the fact that unskilled workers in China are taking unskilled manufacturing jobs from unskilled American workers.  (Again, The Lifeguard would like to see China pay a fair wage; but, then again, The Lifeguard would also like to see an auto worker from Flint speak Mandarin.  Or, a high school student in Detroit speak English, for that matter.)  Finally, the advert is...well...an advert.

Seriously, if people want to get pissed off about something, it should be what little has been done to preserve American manufacturing jobs (lower corporate tax rate, anyone?), or to educate Michigan's students.  (The racism is not in this advert, but the fact that predominately-black Detroit has a functional illiteracy rate of 47%. Just sayin'.)

Common sense dictates picking your battles.  If I were Debbie Stabenow (or her supporters), I might find another one.

Speedos!

The Book of Eli!

The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas.  It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.  

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14.  A battle between New York and Boston.  A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.  The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre.  (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots.  Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts.  Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.

• Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history.  (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo.  (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh.  (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.)  It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
• At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves.  Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
• The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked.  Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too.  (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.)  And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
• Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky.  The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack).  Well, actually, they did.  Figuratively.  A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
• Madonna was, in a word, amazing.  Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing.  Wait.  The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing.  What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good.  Madonna was great.
• The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
• Who the fuck is M.I.A.?  Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
• The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels.  While the Super Bowl was being played.    Delicious irony.  (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
• A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
• Tom Brady is a very good QB.  So is Eli Manning.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks.  Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
• Too many commercials.  Wait.  Too many bad commercials.
• The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears.  Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
• The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning.  The Giants had been a poor running team all season.  They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
• Manning to Manningham.
• Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
• This was a great game.  Awesome!
• The officials were even better.  They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.

Have a great Monday.  Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.  

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)

Don't forget to vote.

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote.  (If you have already voted, get out and vote again.  What the hell.  That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

Speedos!

The Audacity of the Dope

President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly non-Muslim, and who has done so much for the faltering American economy, demonstrated that he is just one more in a line of corrupt Chicago politicians.  

Oh, sure, he has picked some winners in the green energy field.  In fact, BHO is a veritable Bernie Madoff when it comes to "investing" in America.  Evergreen, Solyndra, Ener1, Amonix, Inc., and the Chevy Volt are just a few of the winners that the Obama Administration has funded.  For hell's sake, the administration would have done better buying a shitload of scratch tickets rather than dumping money down the green energy rat hole.

Sure, The Lifeguard knows the importance of exploring new energy technologies; but, there is no way in hell that batteries will replace cheap natural gas and oil (that is right here, in North America).  Even the Chinese, building this shit with cheap slave labour are struggling with changes in the way that the industry is funded and does business.

But, then when BHO gets a shot at a real winner--the Keystone XL pipeline--built with $13 billion in TransCanada's cash, he vetoes the project.

Shovel ready?  Yep.

A job creator?  Yep.

Reduces America's dependence on foreign oil?  Yep.

Environmentalists hate it?  Natch.

So, when faced with the choice of employing an estimated 20,000 Americans in high wage union jobs, or protecting Iran's oil industry, BHO calls his shot, swings for the fences, and fucks America.

And, we didn't even get a kiss.

Speedos!

Jacksonville Debate
The Four Amigos got on the stage at the University of North Florida to duke it out, one last time, before the Florida Primary.  Of course, it took The Lifeguard about 30 minutes to find the show.  (It was on CNN.  Nobody watches CNN anymore.  In fact, The Lifeguard didn't know that he even got CNN on his cable package.)

As has come to be expected, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts on the big show.

• Mitt and Newt get into it over Mitt's Swiss bank account.  Mitt gives a reasonable answer (about his blind trust); but, The Lifeguard remembers the blind trust being the punchline of a joke during the presidency of Bush The Elder.  The Lifeguard thinks that Obama is champing at the bit to get an opponent who has a numbered Swiss account and a blind trust.
• The Lifeguard wonders if President Obama put his birth certificate in a blind trust.
• Mitt all but calls Newt a panderer, saying whatever people in a given state want to hear to win.  (The Lifeguard thinks he hears a pot calling.)  Newt absolutely schools Mitt on how the primaries are the chance for the candidates to see what is important to the people of the several states.
• Newt wants a colony on the moon?  That might become a state?  The Lifeguard doesn't even know what to say to that.  (Except maybe to agree that we shouldn't cede space to China.)  
• Did Ron Paul just say that he wanted to get rid of the 16th Amendment?  Yes!
• A question about which wife will be the best First Lady.  Really?  Who gives a fuck.  Romney talks about his wife being a breast cancer survivor.  How does that make her a good First Lady?  Santorum and Paul talk lovingly about their wives.  Santorum's wife was a nurse and a lawyer.  Impressive.  Newt, talking about Callista, gives the best answer of all.
• A question about Cuba.  The Lifeguard tends to agree with Ron Paul about sanctions against Cuba being a bad idea.  Mitt Romney couldn't specifically respond to Ron Paul's comments, when asked.  Really?  You can't just ignore the one sane thing that Ron Paul said.
• A question from a self-described Palestinian-American-Republican.  What the fuck?  Doesn't anyone remember when Palestinians were Arabs?
• For the record, The Lifeguard knew that there would be some question about Puerto Rico.  He just didn't think it'd be such a stupid one.  There is a better chance that there will be a state on the moon before Puerto Rico becomes a state.
• The Lifeguard would love to see the candidates do keg stands.
• Newt sounds presidential.  Not petty.
• A question on rebuilding America.  Rick Santorum just doesn't seem passionate about anything.  He's like a white Barack Obama, when it comes to speaking style.  (Without the TelePrompTer and with a birth certificate.)  Come to think about it, The Lifeguard could say the same about Mitt.  
• Post-debate, we learn that Mitt has a new...debate coach?  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  A debate coach?  It is pretty apparent that the CNN folks love Willard.  (And, hate Newt.)

This one was too close to call.  The Lifeguard gives it to Newt, but The Lifeguard is a little biased.

Sure, Blame Newt...

"Newt Cost Me The Presidency."

Former Senator (and runner-up in the 1996 presidential race) Bob Dole blamed Newt Gingrich for his loss, while endorsing Governor Mitt Romney for the 2012 edition of Republican Idol.

Seriously?

First of all, The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole was dead.  (Actually, The Lifeguard thought that Bob Dole was dead after seeing Bob Dole's debate performances back in 1996.)  

The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole lost in 1996 because Bob Dole was the Mitt Romney of the day.  (That is to say, the "Mitt Romney, with bad hair, a bad hand, and ED.")

Steady, reliable, next in line.  (And zero chance that he'll fuck an intern because...well...draw your own conclusions.)

But, Bob Dole has some sort of axe to grind with Newt, apparently.  Bob Dole doesn't like the Freddie Mac gig, the serial infidelities, the fact that Newt has a working penis.  Bob Dole is angry that Newt shut down the government when he was House Speaker.  Bob Dole is annoyed that Newt had balls back in the '90s, and that Newt has balls now.  Bob Dole is...well...a grumpy old man.

Face it.  Bob Dole was a bad choice in 1996, and he's asking Republicans to make a bad choice now.

Separated At Birth?

Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong?
Two Pictures Of The Same Person?

Like Fox News, The Lifeguard reports, you decide.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

The Lifeguard Looked Up "Attention Whores" In His Armenian Dictionary

He saw this picture.

HFWTFMF?!?

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi Shows Off Her New Look
It still looks like do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone wrong; but, she seems happy with the results.  Of course, one would think that a woman who has been so successful picking stocks would get a plastic surgeon, not a syringe full of hot beef fat.

HFWTFMF?!?

DIY Plastic Surgery Never Works
In yet another example of do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone awry, this woman claims....

Wait!  What?  It's former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)?

It wasn't do-it-yourself plastic surgery?

Whoa!  And here The Lifeguard thought that this was yet another case of an attention-seeking seventy-something with a syringe full of hot beef fat and a jones for eternal youth.

And, for the record, sunshine, when your enemy (the Republican Party) is in the process of destroying itself (by nominating Newt Gingrich), you never try to stop them.  (Unless, you are an attention-seeking seventy-something with botched do-it-yourself plastic surgery.)

By popular demand.

This Is The Lifeguard's Most Popular Post
Visitors from the United States (including US governmental agencies), Brazil, Norway, Qatar, and the Islamic Republic of Iran (to name five) love this picture (and accompanying post).

(The Lifeguard can't help but think that someone is probably rotting in a dank, dark cell as a result of them having looked at this picture.)