Tuesday, March 06, 2012


Super Tuesday!
The Lifeguard can't wait to parse the results of today's Republican primaries.  The Lifeguard's prediction?  There will be as much confusion tomorrow (before The Lifeguard parses) as there is today.  But, when The Lifeguard is finished, you'll know everything.

In the meantime, chew on this delectable menu of tasty intellectual delights.

  • The Lifeguard was enabling a friend last night.  Not enabling in the traditional sense; but, rather, helping said friend avoid work on a dissertation.  As a result, The Lifeguard was able to create a new and exciting word for just these occasions.  Procrassertation.  It means the act of studiously avoiding the completion of one's Ph.D. dissertation.  
  • Leaked Stratfor e-mails indicate that the body of Osama bin Laden was not buried at sea.  Perhaps President Obama (who is still not a Muslim) should have released those "photographs" of the room temperature bin Laden, sliding down the board, into the sea.  The Lifeguard predicts that this will overshadow arguments about whether or not BHO was actually born in Hawaii.
  • The price of gasoline goes up...again.  While it is true that we are not yet at European levels, The Lifeguard still hates the fact that it costs almost a C-note to fill the Swedish Ford with gas.  The Lifeguard has plans that would help reduce the price of gas, and it doesn't involve electric cars, wind turbines, or fluorescent light bulbs.  It does involve more drilling, more pipelines, more nuclear power plants, and more refinery capacity.  
  • It is interesting to note that North America could surpass Qatar as the world's leading exporter of liquified natural gas (LNG).  In order to do this, America needs more pipelines.  (More pipelines=more high-paying union jobs.)  In case you were wondering, more than 100 million cubic feet of natural gas is burned off in the North Dakota oil fields.  If only there were a way to capture this wasted gas.  Oh, wait!  If there were more pipelines, then there would be more natural gas to liquify and export.
  • The Chevy Volt (a/k/a the Opel Ampera) was just named the European Car of the Year.  Maybe the General could export some of those bad boys to Europe.  (Or, as The Lifeguard has suggested, to prospective suicide bombers in the Middle East.  "Look ma!  No bombs!  Just this Chevy Volt that occasionally bursts into flame.")
  • For those senior citizens struggling on a fixed income, who can't find greeter work at Wal-Mart, there is a new AARP-endorsed business opportunity.  "Cooking meth is a great way for retired chemical engineers to make a few extra bucks," an AARP spokesman noted.  "Plus, in a nursing home, all of the constituent parts are readily available," he said.  The elderly have joined college students in this lucrative endeavour.  The added bonus is that the elderly will have money to buy Viagra, and the college students will have money to buy birth control.  
  • In Kansas City, lack teens set a white teen on fire.  Using gasoline.  The Lifeguard wonders where they got the money to buy $4.00 a gallon gas.  
Time to go to work...and vote.

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