Hope for a change...

President Barack Hussein Obama Sits And Waits...
for April Fool's Day, hoping that there won't be a big change for Auntie Zeituni, his frail aunt, who is presently living in Boston. In public housing. Oh, and she is an illegal immigrant. Living in public housing. Which is illegal. Like Auntie's immigration status.

Now, riddle me this, Batman. How, in the name of all that is holy does the the President, who is doing all right for himself, let his dear auntie live in public housing?

More to the point, how do the Attorneys Obama let auntie live in this country, illegally, for so long? Didn't the Attorneys Obama believe, as officers of the court, that they had a responsibility to do the right thing and sort her immigration status?

Didn't they know a sharp immigration lawyer? Couldn't they have put in the fix? Governor Blagojevich probably knew someone who could have helped (for a small fee, of course). What has happened to noblesse oblige?

Aw, Hell, who am I kidding. It doesn't matter. No one cares.

Now, if Auntie Z. worked for AIG, she'd already be on a flight back to Grass Hut, Kenya.

I Have A Dream...

The Snow Is Mostly Gone From The Courts...
and I have been thinking about getting out the racquet and getting ready for the summer. Maybe calling up King and playing a couple of sets. Or, dragging my kids out for an afternoon of smacking the fuzzy (optic) yellow ball around.

But, what I would really like to do is go to Dubai, and play on the court pictured above. Now, that would be the balls.

Are We There Yet?

The Lifeguard Is Going To Surf City...

because it's two girls for every boy.

Huh?

"Whatchoo Talkin' About Willis (Tower)?"
Chicago's Sears Tower is now The Willis Tower. In other news, Boston's John Hancock Tower will be called The Arnold Tower.

Still Laughing...

I Was Coming Around The Corner At The Market
speaking to my son in my strong Southern accent, when I heard one clerk say something to another:

Clerk: "Over by the crackers."

Lifeguard: "I beg your pardon." (Even more Southern.)

Clerk: "Huh?"

Lifeguard: "You called me a 'craker.' I am offended. I want to speak with your manager."

Clerk: "But, um.... Are you serious? I was talking to her. [Pointing to the other clerk.]"

And, for the next two minutes, I let the poor bastard twist in the wind, each dig just a little deeper than the last.

Finally,

Lifeguard: "Nah, don't worry about it. I'm just messing with you."

It was just about the best two minutes I have spent in the last few weeks.

The Lifeguard Wept: Redux

Cartooniste Is My Conscience...

and the comments relative to my thoughts on government involvement in higher education were realistic, thoughtful, and not entirely unreasonable. Of course, I say this because Cartooniste is one of the few people I know that has spent as many years in post-graduate study as The Lifeguard. (The difference, however, may be that The Lifeguard managed something like ten years of post-secondary education without much more than a Camry worth of debt.)

I would, however, note three things that were running through my head when I wrote the aforementioned post:

First, I had just finished my third (or, was it fourth?) martini. I was not unlike a Kennedy on a "fact-finding" mission. Hell, the only thing missing was a bridge, a campaign worker, and an Oldsmobile.

Second, The Lifeguard believes that universities are going to be faced with Hobson's Choice in the very near future (and, shame on me for not mentioning it in the original post). The Harvards, MITs, and the like are soon going to be faced with taxes being levied on their endowments. In the bleak economic times facing America, the several states are going to turn to the only people with shitloads of money: churches and colleges.

In order to avoid giving fifteen or twenty percent of their endowment's growth to feed the beast, these schools will (or should) offer to spread the wealth (in return for favourable tax treatment). And, frankly, this suggestion goes along with Cartooniste's view on the purpose of the endowment (stabilising the college, whatever the Hell that means). Really, what could be more stabilising than getting kids through college without loads of debt? Plus, those kids will later donate money to the school, thus replenishing the endowment's principal.

Oh, and I don't know a single law school professor worth $200,000.00; but, if that is what they indeed get paid, it is only because they have a better union than history, classics, or English professors. And, think about it. Presidents Clinton and Obama were law professors (right out of law school), and certainly did not make $200,000.00 a year. (Even though Cartooniste thinks that they are two of the smartest people ever. Ever.)

Finally, I agree that secondary education needs to be improved. Remedial courses belong in high school, not college. If Junior needs remedial English at Harvard, maybe he shouldn't be at Harvard. In fact, one of the worst things to ever happen was the universal belief that everyone had to go to college. Really, kids with no aptitude for higher education should be given the encouragement to find other opportunities for happiness, such as trade schools, two-year colleges, or the military (or other service to this country).

Additionally, when students are applying to college, everyone wants to go to Harvard; but, not everyone can go to Harvard. Therefore, high school students should be directed to colleges that are appropriate based upon their aptitude, economic background, and ability to finish that which they start (i.e., college).

I note, as an aside, that when the University of California stopped using racial preferences, fewer minorities attended UC-Berkeley (for example); but, the numbers of minorities graduating from other, less prestigious, campuses (campi?) increased.

Anyway, my point in this exercise was that there are things that Congress (and government) do well, others (such as education and the economy) that they do not. Sort of like me wanting to go to Harvard.

That's The Ticket...

The Lifeguard Knows About The Arms Race...

and, for all of the praise for First Lady Michelle Obama's "toned arms," I would have to say that, compared to the Williams sisters (who were playing tonight in the BNP Paribas Showdown for the Billie Jean King Cup), her arms are downright flabby.

You could take the First Lady's arm flab and tie it to two trees, thus making a flabberhammock in which she might recline.

You could render her arm flab and fuel a fleet of trucks with fat-based biodiesel.

You want toned arms? Venus and Serena Williams should be your role models. They have spectacularly toned arms; and, all you have to do to get them is play a lot of tennis.

The Lifeguard Wept...

As The World Economic Crisis Grows...The Lifeguard has been fielding questions about the Brobdingnagian stimulus package offered by President Obama. In many respects, the desire to do something right now has replaced the need for well-reasoned and thoughtful action.

The belief that the Congress--people who have, in the main, done nothing productive for the duration of their working lives--should be the saviours of the world society is a troubling and destructive cult. The posturing, and demagoguery that have filled the news of late is, quite frankly, disgusting and offends the sensibilities of thinking, tax-paying Americans.

Rather than spend like drunken sailors in a Thai whorehouse, Congress (and President Obama) need to take a step back and think about the needs of the many (as opposed to the needs of the few).

The Lifeguard offers a few suggestions to soften the blow of the growing economic malaise:

First, stop thinking that something needs to be done immediately. We didn't get to this point overnight, and we won't have relief upon the signing of the bill (which calls for massive spending in future years). Instead, start by analysing the various sectors needing relief, then work on several small, focused plans (rather than one massive clusterfuck). At least that way, Congress (and, more importantly, the people) will be able to read and understand what is being done, and what is being spent.

The Lifeguard would start with the banking industry, giving money to clean up balance sheets, minimise the impact of bad loans, and to get people saving (and banks lending) once more. Rather than encouraging more bad behaviour (such as people buying more house than they can afford), Congress should accept the fact that some people made bad decisions; and, therefore, should have to down-size (or lose their homes to foreclosure). The reality of life is that not everyone is entitled to live in a McMansion.

Heavy industry should be next (perhaps). Companies, like Caterpillar, will be poised to profit as governments around the world funnel money into infrastructure projects, and will be able to gain ground (and market share) if Congress targets specific industries.

Second, cut taxes (and suspend environmental regulations) that stifle business development. CAFE standards are killing the US automobile industry, and hybrid/alternative fuel vehicles are costly (and potentially environmentally harmful). The General, Ford and Chrysler should be encouraged to start increasing the production of diesel engines (and states like California and Massachusetts should be forced to accept the registration of diesel cars). Allow the Big Three to import their foreign diesels into the US market, without tariff, and set a goal of forty percent of the US fleet to be diesel-powered by 2015. Reduce the taxes on diesel fuel (which will help the transportation industry lower their costs) to encourage the spread of diesel at the pump; and, offer tax relief to Americans who trade in their petrol-powered rides for diesel-powered vehicles.
Let the Big Three sell their diesel-powered Escalades, Navigators, and Durangos (along with smaller diesels), and the industry as a whole will gain traction.

Allow offshore drilling, so that we can become more energy independent; and, eliminate supports for corn and sugar (so that the use of sugar-based ethanol can supplant corn-based ethanol), which will lower food prices (since more corn can go to food production and sugar prices will tumble, allowing for greater reductions in prices of sugar-containing food).

Third, stop fucking with health care. Some people make the choice to eschew health insurance because they are young and healthy. And, while having these folks in the insurance pool helps spread the risk (and reduce premiums for the rest of us), they shouldn't be forced into spending money they don't have (or wish to save). If universal health care is the goal, then allow people to shop, across state lines for the best prices; and, make a chosen policy portable. Allow people to set up HSAs, and allow them to keep the money they don't spend at the end of the year (or let them roll it into their IRAs, without penalty).

(e.g., Company A offers a policy that has a $2,000.00 deductible. The consumer funds the HSA with $2,000.00, via payroll deduction (or out-of-pocket). If, at the end of the year, the consumer has only spent $200.00, allow them to keep, tax free, the remaining balance; or, to roll it into an IRA.)

Also, limit malpractice awards to actual damages. A person who loses a child to a doctor's malpractice simply should not get tens of millions of dollars. In the event of a disability, the award should contemplate the cost of care only; not shit-tonnes of money for pain and suffering. (Senator John Edwards demonstrated throughout his legal career, repeatedly, that juries are unpredictable and driven by emotion, not facts; and, their awards are devastating to the medical community).

Limit malpractice costs and the costs of health care will come down, significantly.

Finally, the government should get out of the business of education (or, at least higher education). As government student loan limits have increased, so has college tuition. Students are leaving colleges with unmanageable debt; and, small colleges and universities that should otherwise close or consolidate are profiting.

Eliminating government aid will do a couple of things, including colleges to knock loose some of their endowments to fund the education of economically challenged students. Colleges will have to compete more aggressively for students who need aid (by reaching into their own pockets). They will also have to freeze (or reduce) salaries for everyone, including administrators, faculty, and union members.

Additionally, getting government out of the student loan business will reduce the administrative burden on secondary and tertiary education providers. Less bureaucratic red tape means less paperwork and fewer paper-pushers.

Finally, consolidation among the 2,300+ four-year American colleges might not be a bad thing. For example, Harvard subsumed Radcliffe. Maybe UMass-Amherst should subsume UMass-Lowell (saving a few hundred grand a year for a second chancellor). And, consolidation within departments should follow. Roll Women's Studies (or African Studies) into Sociology (for example). Get rid of a department head (or ten). Then, pass those savings on to the students.

Next, The Lifeguard gets rid of the Departments of Education, Energy, and Transportation; reduces Congressional salaries by 25%; and, starts Predator flights (along with the attendant Hellfire Missile attacks on drug lords and aliens crossing into the United States illegally).

It's Lent!

The Lifeguard Goes 57 Minutes...*

Lent is here, baby. It began with Ash Wednesday (duh!); and, as usual, The Lifeguard pledged to eschew the use of the word "fuck" for the forty days of Lent. The same pledge that The Lifeguard has made for the last eleven years (because during Lent, one sacrifices that which is important).

Over the last decade (plus one year), The Lifeguard has been pretty consistent, breaking his pledge relatively quickly.

The longest period of time without "fuck" was 26 hours. The shortest, six minutes.

This year, The Lifeguard made it 57 minutes without using the word "fuck."

57 fucking minutes. Pretty fucking pathetic, don't you think?

*Usually, when The Lifeguard says that he has gone 57 minutes, he is talking about a quickie.

HFWTFMF?!?

I Have No Effing Idea!

One of my employees asked me if it was legal to slaughter a goat within the city limits. I said, "I don't know."

He then asked if it made a difference if the goat was slaughtered as a part of a religious ceremony.

I told him that I thought that the same rules applied for sacrificing goats as for virgins. Of course, The Lifeguard is totally against the sacrifice of virgins. Rather, the Lifeguard believes that virgins should be converted, whenever possible, thus preventing the possibility that they might be sacrificed.

This prompted me to ruminate on other questions to which I have no answer.

Like, if a woman says, "It's not you, it's me", is it possible that it really is her?

Or, if a woman says, "I think that it would be good for you to go out with your friends", is it possible that there is not an evil trap laid for the unsuspecting man. In other words, could she actually think that going out with the boys is a good thing?

Screw it. The Lifeguard is too damn tired to ask answer any more questions.

GFY.*

*Good for you. (As far as you know.)

That dog don't hunt...

Youth Basketball...That Says It All.
While watching Number Two play youth basketball, I thought back to my days on the Grandview Celtics, and the years spent struggling with dreams of the NBA or the ABA (since we were an ABA town) and the reality of being a short white kid with no ball-handling skills (that sounds really dirty, now), no speed, and no vertical jump.

We used to spend the summers practicing our dunks at a friend's house (courtesy of a 7' basket in his garage), shooting hoops at the Stake Centre, and getting ready for the complete domination of our adversaries on the court in the winter. We did the clinics at the local college, went to the high school and college games, and dreamed the aforementioned dreams of being the next John Havlicek or "Pistol Pete" Maravich.

And, when the time came to select our uniform numbers, I chose "53", the number worn by Darryl Dawkins (who was then known, politically incorrectly as the "Baby Gorilla"). I was in awe of this high school ballplayer, who entered the NBA draft on a hardship exemption, and was selected by the Philadelphia 76ers, in the 1975 draft.

Did I think I could ever be "The Rimwrecker"?

Hell, no. I just liked his elan. I liked the fact that he was confident enough to make the jump (like Moses Malone) from high school basketball to the pros. And, I loved the fact that, in later years, he would deliver the "Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam." (The dunk that shattered the glass backboard in a game against the Kansas City Kings, in 1979.)

So, today, as I watched the "hope of our future" play basketball, I remembered warmly my time on the hardwood. And, I wondered, how many of these kids actually realise just how much fun they are having...and how much they will miss it when they are older.

War of the Words.

T.W.O.T.* Is Dead. Long Live The T.W.O.T.!

The Obama Administration, in an effort to portray a kinder, gentler United States of America, has abandoned the expression, "The War On Terror" in favour of "Tina".

After trying out other terms, President Obama settled on "Tina" because it just sounds "...nicer."

"We want the world to like us, as much as the Mainstream Media likes me," the President said Sunday.

"I tried the '...enduring struggle against terrorism and extremism..." but it had the words 'terrorism' and 'extremism', which makes us all sound like a bunch of witch-hunting, Bush-loving, Republicans," said President Obama.

So, after spending hours with focus groups, and consulting with Operation Pinko, the President chose "Tina."

Said one of the President's closest confidants, "Everyone likes 'Tina.' She's sweet, pleasant, and non-confrontational. What better way to describe our struggle?"


*The War On Terror

Not for the squeamish.

An American Peace Corps Worker Was Attacked...

by a leopard. The big cat jumped her one night while she was sitting around the tribal campfire, drinking some God-foresaken native beverage. If not for the quick thinking and swift action of the tribal elders, the poor woman would have died, tragically, swallowed whole by the beast.

In order to save the woman, the cat's head had to be cut off, completely, thus saving the woman's life, as evidenced by the file photo above.

PETA is said to be pissed.

It's a great day!

Wake Beats Dook!
Carolina Beats FSU!

Do I have to say anything else?

Dear God, please let...

IT IS MY FAVOURITE STORY ABOUT ACC BASKETBALL...

In a moment of weakness, I dated a woman who went to Dook University. One night, we went to a Dook v. University of Miami basketball game (pre-UM entering the ACC), and had a meal before the game. A friend, who was at Dook Divinity School offered a prayer over the meal, which concluded with the following words: "May Dean Smith and the University of North Carolina basketball team die in a fiery bus crash."

I was horrified. (Yes, there is a line, even for The Lifeguard.)

But, sitting here watching the Number 1 Dook Blue Devils play Number 4 Wake Forest (at the Joel), I can kind of see his point of view.

Not only am I frustrated by the poor officiating (which cuts both ways), I am angry with (at least one of the) announcers. Dick Vitale, who is proof positive that there is no justice in the world, is so far up Mike Krzyzewski's ass that he can tell you what Coach K had for supper yesterday...without asking.

But, Wake is leading at the half, 33-28, so I am (for the time being) not beating my kids, breaking random shit, or screaming obscenities into the ether.

At least I saw it...once.

I Can Not Believe How Much Dino Gaudio Reminds Me Of Jimmy V...
On Wednesday, January 21st, 2009, The Lifeguard took a trip to Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and was able to see the then-Number One Wake Forest Demon Deacons struggle with a Virginia Tech Hokies team that played out of their heads for forty minutes.

Sadly, Wake lost to the Hokies--a team that looked like five pumpkins (and which has a castrated turkey as a mascot)--by a score of 78-71. And though Jeff Teague banged in 23 points, the Demon Deacons just could not overcome the fired-up Hokies, the near-silent alumni, the poor shooting (43.1% to Tech's 50.0%), and uneven officiating (Wake didn't even go to the charity stripe in the first half).

But, I got to see a top-ranked Wake Forest squad play, live, for the first time in my life, so I'll take it.

Now, if Gaudio can do like Jimmy V and win the NCAA Championship...

*Photo courtesy of SAL Photo Bureau (Copyright 2009)

She's Not Even That Hot...

I'll Give You Change...

Dana Delaney, one of the stars of Desperate Housewives (or, as Chris Rock calls it, Ungrateful Bitches) was just interviewed on Fox News about the new administration.

She thought item number one should be to lift the so-called "global gag rule" so that women around the world could start getting their U.S. Government funded abortions once more.

Tell you what, honey. Let me decide who gets the abortions and I'll give you some change you can believe in.

Tzipi!

What's Good For The Goose...

If some bassackward retard in a Third World backwater said to his followers that someone should "...expend a bullet on [Livni]," would anyone care? Hell, some bassackward retard in the United States of Amerikkka said "God damn America," and one of his followers got elected President.

But, I digress.

Israel, our strongest ally in the broader Middle East, is presently running Operation Cast Lead (to the chagrin of the rest of the Jew-hating world). They are in the process of draining the swamp that is the Gaza Strip (which means "place to launch rockets at the Jewish dogs" in Arabic)...a process that lasted until yesterday, when Prime Minister Ehud Olmert called a halt to the operation.

Now, it is all well and good to "claim victory" when the pressure from the world is mounting; but, it is foolish to think that a group--Hamas--that wants to eradicate Israel from the map will do anything other than claim their own victory, and use the cease fire in their own recruiting posters. After all, they survived for three weeks--sort of like the Viet Cong survived--and waited for public pressure against Israel to reach a critical mass.

Now, Israel is at a crossroads: Kill every last terrorist--and every last person that Hamas puts in harm's way; or, quit, claim victory, and sit back until the next rocket attack (which is scheduled for two hours from when you read this post).

Frankly, I don't understand how a group that can build tunnels and car bombs, and can afford rockets and ammunition, can't build schools and homes and have running water. Oh, wait, it's just easier to blame the Jews.

Peace in the broader Middle East will only come when one of two things happen: Either Israel tells the world to "fuck off" and outright wins the war (which is next to impossible given public sentiment and the fact that Israel is all alone in a sea of hate); or, Arab mothers (and fathers) will start loving their children more than they hate Israel (and the Jews).

Yeah...The Lifeguard isn't holding his breath.

In the meantime, if anyone hurts Tzipi...

Yeah, baby!

If Wake Forest Isn't Number One...

I will have an effing thrombo.

Dook, Wake Forest's cross-state rival, and present Number Two, did manage to beat Number Twelve, Georgetown; but, Dook lost to Michigan back on December 6th.

Wake Forest, on the other hand, is the nation's only unbeaten Division I team (following the Louisville upset of Pitt).

Wake beat Carolina (ugly), pounded Boston College (at Conte), and lit up Clemson, at Littlejohn. Wake Forest is the real deal, and there is no reason (other than the basketball press corps sucks up to Dook) that Wake Forest isn't the new Number One.*

*Of course, the University of Utah went undefeated in football, and they got screwed.

The Wisdom Of Big Bob.

This Is My Favourite Picture...

My dad, who is third from the left, was a great man...and, he is dead. But, not a day goes by that I don't think about some of the wisdom (and pithy sayings) that he offered The Lifeguard on a near daily basis.

He always used to say that I was not afraid of hard work. "Son," he would say, "you could lay down beside it and go to sleep."

On work, he noted that "if work were fun, it wouldn't be called work." In fact, he believed that the natural order of things should be that every person should get to have their retirement from the age of 22 (after finishing college; or, just as important, military service) to the age of 32. The government would pay you Social Security, and you could fuck off to your heart's content. But, at the age of 32, you went to work...where you stayed 'til you died. Too many people, he noted, worked their entire lives only to die before they could enjoy the fruits of their labours.

He observed that, "Manual Labour is not the President of Mexico."

That, "If you needed a day's work, get a boy. If you needed half a day's work, get two."

Or, "The only thing that you can do well with gloves is piss your pants."

On religion, he thought that if you weren't going to actively participate in the activities in your church, you should go and play golf. He was a member of the Church of the Seventh Green; and, he celebrated the glory of God, upon his retirement, on the golf course at least five times a week.

Of Hell, he said that, "At least I'll be warm, and all of my friends will be there."

He recommended a healthy amount of Scots Whisky daily; and, he enjoyed the occasional Cuban (cigar, you sickos). "No one ever died from having a whisky and a Cohiba (or Romeo Y Julietta)," he would say. And, when The Lifeguard was teeing up the ball, he would offer his support (especially if we were playing a $5.00 Nassau, and there was a press on):

"Don't shank it," he would say.

"Dad, we're on the same team," I would respond.

[Shanking the ball.] "Fuck!"

"I told you not to shank it," he would offer.

He was a man who was larger than life. He survived polio, a World War, a couple of plane crashes, and a car accident that would have killed a lesser man. He was full of a humble swagger that was admired by many (and owned by few).

He didn't have a favourite book, song, or movie. He loved living. He could solve the world's problems before 0700; and, shoot an 83 before noon. In the afternoon, he would be the referee in a sporting event. At night, he'd solve the problems of the world that had arisen since last he'd solved them.

I never knew how much my dad knew until I realised just how little I knew.

And, as the seventh anniversary of his death approaches, I think about his life, his love.

He was a great man; and, if The Lifeguard can be half as good as him, The Lifeguard will be a great man, too.

God bless you, Big Bob.

I Hate Everyone, Volume 2

Life in New England...

can be a perplexing mix of weirdness and sublime idiocy. For instance, it snows in New England. Sometimes, a lot. And yet, every summer, there is a giant orgy, where nearly every New Englander has their brains completely effed out, thus erasing everything that they once knew about driving in the snow.

Unfortunately, I have never been invited to that orgy, because I know how to drive in the motherhumping snow!

The other day, on my commute to work, some moron (and his moron chick) kept climbing out of the windows of their moving vehicle to scrape snow off of the windscreen of the truck...while they were driving...in a snowstorm. I mean, they were climbing out of the windows. Sitting on the door. Scraping the windscreen. While they were driving. In a snowstorm.

Sadly, neither person fell out of the window (which would have surely earned them an entry into the 2009 Darwin Awards competition).

The prior snowstorm, we got absolutely shit-hammered with snow. I went out to clear the sidewalks and driveway.

As New England is a region of contrasts, witness two different reactions:

First, I cleaned up my elderly widowed neighbour's sidewalk and driveway.

"Oh, Lifeguard," she said. "Please don't do this now. We are still going to get more snow, and I want you to wait until tomorrow to clean it up."

"Um. But, I have to work in the morning, so I figured that I would clean it up now, which will make it easier for me to do tomorrow."

"But, I didn't want you to do it now. I want you to wait until the storm is over," she said.

So, The Lifeguard bid her adieu...and never went back.

Now, when I plowed my other neighbours--an Irish woman and her daughters--they were so grateful. Happy about the snow clean up, too.

And now, another storm is coming...

and you can bet your sweet ass that The Lifeguard will be letting the old broad shovel her own effing snow.

Avenged!

I Hate Boston College!

For several reasons...

First, they are the primary rival for my Boston University Terriers (in Hockey East) and my Wake Forest Demon Deacons (in ACC action, if only because I live in a place with a heavy concentration of BC graduates...and wannabes).

Second, BC alumni are obnoxious. The joke, how do you find the Boston College graduate in a roomful of people?* is eerily true.

Finally, well, I can not remember what the other reason is; but, I am sure that if you wait a minute, I can tell you.

So, last night, the lowly Harvard Crimson journeyed out Commonwealth Avenue to play Boston College, the 17th ranked team in the land (based in large part on their stunning upset of the then-top-ranked North Carolina Tar Heels).

And, the Crimson won--with five white (or, at least, light) guys--82-70, stunning the Conte Forum crowd.

It was sweet. And, for a minute, I lived the old saw, "My two favourite teams are Boston University/Villanova University/Wake Forest University (my three NCAA Division I alma maters, in alphabetical order), and whoever is playing Boston College."

*Just wait a minute, he'll tell you.

I hate that effing song!

The University of North Carolina Is On To Something...
After giving their coach, a huge (but, apparently, not huge enough) raise, the University of North Carolina football team made it to a bowl (The Something or Another Car Care Bowl), and nearly won the game. Against the West Virginia University Mountaineers. (Of course, the saddest part, aside from the next part of this post, is that this was, essentially, a home game for the Heels. And, they blew it.)

And, you know what it means when the Mountaineers win, sports fans?

They play, the John Denver standard, "Take Me Home (Country Roads)". Loudly.

And, as I have said about another song associated with a college, "I hate that fucking song."*

*For those in the know, that other song is the University of Tennessee's, "Rocky Top."

[Ed. Note: Last The Lifeguard checked, the Wake Forest Demon Deacons were the only North Carolina team to win their bowl game.]

Happy Effin' New Year!

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been...
There was a snow storm yesterday, on New Year's Eve. And, it was bitter cold, with the temperatures hovering around, oh, 5 degrees Fahrenheit. (In other words, it was fucking cold, courtesy of man-made climate change.)

To top it all off, The Lifeguard was facing some serious impediments to his New Year's Eve plans. The weather led to cancellations, travel difficulties, and the like. And, at 3:00pm, I got the call that I was dreading....

"I don't think that Ryan will be able to make it tonight," she said. "It may be just you and me, if you don't mind."

"Sure, that's okay, I guess," I said.

So, I raced out to suburban Boston airfield and met my ride, a sleek, shiny G-V. (The picture above was taken on the plane. Hey, you have to be comfortable when you travel, right?)

Winging our way toward New York City, we sipped cocktails and ate some sushi that had been earlier procured from Nobu.

"I am really sorry that Ryan couldn't make it. I hope that you don't mind spending the night with me," she said.

"No, that's okay. Really, it'll be fun," I said. (The Lifeguard is always the life of the party. She knows it, I know it, get over it.)

Touching down at Westchester, and hopping a limo to The City was rather a drag; but, we got by, on icy cold Pol Roger and shrimp cocktail. Fantastic.

Then, last night, at a private party, we danced the night away. I actually didn't mind that Ryan couldn't make it. And, this morning, I woke up, alone...with a note pinned to the pillow:

"Thanks for a great night. Hope that your 2009 is everything that you hope that it will be. Love and hugs, S." (The Lifeguard can not believe that anyone signs any note "Love and hugs.")

So, as The Lifeguard makes his way home (flying commercial...ugh!), he sends you the same wishes: That that your 2009 is everything that you want it to be.

(Of course, with President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama's swearing in just over two weeks away, whatever your hopes and dreams are will be fulfilled (especially if you are a member of the United Auto Workers, or future Senator William Jefferson Clinton).)

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

The Lifeguard Wept...

I was at Mass yesterday afternoon, and I was taken by the poinsettias, a beautiful sea of scarlet and white. And, my favourite reading...'though, frankly, Linus Van Pelt does it better than any man:

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

So, on this Christmas Day, The Lifeguard wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a joyful and prosperous New Year.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

The Lifeguard Fears No Man!

Years ago, The Lifeguard taught fourth grade in an elementary school in Massachusetts.* My goal was to have students who not only spoke in complete sentences, but who also had exceptional vocabularies. Each day, The Lifeguard assigned a word, and told the kiddos that they were liable to be called on to use that word in a sentence.

On Thursday, before a big snowstorm, I gave them their word: "contagious".

On the following Monday--school having been cancelled due to the storm--I asked my students, in turn, to use the word in a sentence.

Sarah said, "My mother put me in bed with my brother when he had chicken pox, because chicken pox are contagious."

"Excellent," I said.

James offered, "I came home from school the other day, and told my brother a joke. He started laughing, and then my mother started laughing, and then, my father started laughing. That's because laughter is contagious."

"Outstanding."

Then, little Liam O'Sullivan, a recent arrival from Dublin, raised his hand.

In his thick Irish accent, he said, "On Friday, my mum went outside to shovel our driveway. It took her two hours, but she got the whole thing cleared, and was about to come back inside
the house when the plow drove by and piled all of the snow back up at the end of the driveway. My dad looked out the window and said, 'Oh, it'll take that contagious to clear that snow."

*The Lifeguard is willing to do just about anything for a joke. For the record, I never taught fourth grade in Boston, or anywhere else.

Third Time's The Charm...

Friday Firing, Part III

"Boss, phone for you."

I went to the phone, and picked up the handset. It was the employee that I had fired before. (That's right, sports fans, I had to fire someone twice.)

Really, who has to fire someone twice? I mean, sometimes the terminated employee returns to the workplace...with a Glock, or an AK-47...intent on shooting up the place. This guy returned to the workplace to...work.

"Boss," he said. "I was wondering if it would be all right if I came into work today."

"What? No, I don't think it would be all right."

"Why?" he said.

"Because, I already let you go...twice."

Or, as Coach Red Beaulieu said, "You're fired."

Fuck the heck?

Several weeks ago, I had an employee who was not faring well in the fast-paced environs of my plant. He was frequently tardy (as in, every day), and advised me that--two days into the job--that he was not feeling well, and that he needed to go to the doctor.

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard has been around the block a few times, not to mention years in a workers' compensation practice, and he saw that there was something fishy about the complaints of varied aches and pains.

Lifeguard: "You need to work today, and this weekend. Go to the doctor tonight."

Employee: "I can't. My [body part] hurts."

Lifeguard: "Well, then, you can have the weekend off.'

Employee: "Really, boss? Thanks."

Lifeguard: "In fact, you can take the rest of this week off. And next week, too."

Employee: "Wow, you are the best."

Lifeguard: "Now, get the fuck out...and don't come back."

Imagine The Lifeguard's dismay when, upon arriving at work the following week, Employee was cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Lifeguard: "What are you doing here?"

Employee: "Here for work, boss."

Lifeguard: "But, I let you go last week."

Employee: "But, it's Christmas."

At which point, The Lifeguard completely lost his mind...and fired him again.

Fuck the heck!

Down In The Durham Ditches...
there's a place that twenty thousand sons of bitches call Chapel Hill. And, thanks to the intolerance, political correctness, and idiocy of one person--Associate Provost of Libraries, Sarah Michalak--those poor bastards won't have their Christmas trees this year.

What's a poor Tar Heel to do? Sure, the women's soccer team won the NCAA Championship. Sure, the football team improved after giving their coach a huge raise (after a mediocre 2007 season). Sure, the basketball team is...well...good.

But, this year, there won't be a Christmas tree outside of the Wilson and Davis libraries, which is a shame. All, in the name of tolerance of other religions. As if taking down the trees will appease the idiots who have complained about the trees over the last few years. It will, instead, embolden them.

Sort of like Hitler was emboldened when Neville Chamberlain gave up Czechoslovakia, declaring "...peace in our time."

Yo, Neville, how'd that work out for you?

So, first, it's the trees. Then, the ram. (Too violent, of course. Offensive to vegetarians. Natch.) I'm pretty sure that someone is offended by the black spot on the heel. The fight song has also got to go. (I'm not sure what's offensive about the fight song; but, I wasn't sure what was offensive about a tree.)

Sure, she could have put up a Menorah (for the Jews), a Kwanzaa bush (for the blacks), and a...wait...the Muslim students could sacrifice the mascot (for Eid-al-Adha).

But, no. She took the trees.

Bitch.

What the deuce?

In An Effort At Change...

Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich (D-Duh) seeks to become the first person pardoned by President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama.

Blagojevich, who committed himself to cleaning up the mess created by convicted felon (and former Republican Governor, George Ryan), put a massive "For Sale" sign on the Senate seat held by Obama.

Blagojevich wasn't even subtle about it. He was shaking down everyone in an effort to get money for his campaign, for his wife, and for himself. And, it is all on tape, right down to the Governor's comment that he "...just wanted to make money."

So, as a consequence of his actions, yet another politician has taken yet another massive dump on the confidence of the general public in their elected officials. It almost makes one wonder how many millions of dollars Senators (like Obama and Dodd) and Representatives (like Barney Frank) would seek from, say, Fannie Mae...wait, they already got theirs.

Seriously, the only way to solve the problem of the massive governmental corruption now present in Washington, D.C. (and fifty state capitols) is to get rid of them all. But, that won't happen...

As someone once said, "he may be a crook; but, he's our crook."

Therefore, The Lifeguard now announces his candidacy for the Massachusetts General Court; and, ultimately, for even higher offices.

My platform: Change!

Or, to borrow from His Excellency, the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, "Together we can!"

Use the "Contribute Now" tab to make your campaign contribution to The Lifeguard.

Do it, damnit.

Berlitz.

I Am A Glutton For Punishment...

I went to...you guessed it...Dunkin' Donuts today. After yet another FUBARed order, I decided to review my past disappointments so that I could put together a comprehensive guide to speaking Dunkinese.

To Get This... Order This...

Coffee Regular Black Coffee, No Sugar

Blueberry Muffin Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich

Bagel With Plain Cream Cheese on the Side Bagel With Veggie Cream Cheese

I am sure that there are other examples of Dunkinese, and The Lifeguard invites you to send them along.

In the meantime, I am going to Starbucks.

The Lifeguard Meets Captain Obvious

And Jesus Wept...

The Lifeguard was chatting with a friend the other day, and almost went through the roof. Fortunately, Captain Obvious (and his amazing hearing) had the same reaction to the "conversating" going on, and he arrived on the scene, to administer a boot to the head.

It made me think about a few of the linguistic abortions that I have heard in the last few weeks. (And, since President-Elect B. Hussein Obama supports the right to an abortion right up to the time of delivery, I am expecting to hear more everyday. I can not wait.)

As I mentioned, I was conversating with my friend, and he was telling me about how he had been conversating with his wife about some matter or another. This reminded me about how I had been conversating with my friend, S, and we conversated almost all night long.

For the record, there is no such motherhumping word as "conversated".

Which brings me to my recent trip to Big City Hospital. I ran into an acquaintance in the cafeteria, where I had gone for a bad cup of coffee and a six-hour-old hamburger...which was free (thanks to Boston's Mayor, Thomas Menino) of trans fats. (The coffee was free of trans fats. The burger had them in spades.)

And, as we were conversating, she started telling me about her new boyfriend, who is doing his residency in oncology and etymology.

"Cancerous words? What the fuck!?! Try haemotology, not etymology, cupcake."

So, today, I mentioned a luncheon that was being held at work to my friends D and G.

"Hey, fellas, that luncheon is today."

"I brought my lunch. Just my luck," G said.

"Looks good; but, it's roast pork." (Which I know that G does not eat.)

"You don't have to have pork, G. They also have ham," said D.

Argh!!!!!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

She Would Have Been 83...

My mother passed away last year, and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of her, missed her. She was a lovely and gracious lady, the paragon of an elegant Southern woman.

And, though she often annoyed me with her endless advice, I find that I could use some of her wisdom right about now. Regardless of our disagreements, she was always there when I needed her. She was always quick to forgive. (And God knows, there was a lot to forgive.)

For those of you who haven't yet visited Misspent Youth, I encourage a stop there to read the eulogy that I offered at her memorial service.

For those of you who have, read it again. For The Lifeguard.

Kill 'em all, let God (or Allah) sort 'em out.

Mumbai Terror Attack At An End...

When I first heard the news of attacks at the Taj Mahal and Oberoi Hotels, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Where are we going to find another 720 Virginians?"

Hey, it wasn't that I just assumed that the terrorists were Muslim, it was that I knew that they were Muslim. After all, who else does this kind of shit?

From news of the gunmen targeting Americans and Britons (read white folk) to the stories of butchered women, I found this incredibly disturbing. After all, we live in a new world. A world where the President-Elect of the United States has stopped the rise of the oceans and unified the diverse peoples of Earth.

And so, the first crisis of the new administration (or the last of the old) takes over the headlines.

It highlights three things:

One, we still live in a very dangerous world. A world where there is hatred based upon one's place of birth, or the colour of one's skin.

Two, the failure of the United States to support former Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf has come home to roost. There is less control, and more uncertainty in that nation now that there is a new president, one who is less beholden to the United States.

And, three, maybe, just maybe, we need to expand Club Gitmo.

A Modest Proposal.

A Little More Charming Than The Skinny Pirates...
I was chatting with someone the other day, discussing world events, and the topic of the Siege in Somalia (think "Rumble in the Jungle" or "Thriller in Manila") arose.

Miss Liberal White Guilt said that she could fully understand the desperation that would drive the Somalis to take to the high seas, risking life and limb to "...be able to feed their families."

"Huh?" I said.

"They're just trying to feed their families. They don't want to hurt the crews, and it's not like the ship owners can't afford it."

Now, from where I sit, this woman is too stupid to vote; and, should probably never reproduce so as not to inject any more of her idiocy into the gene pool.

"Are you kidding me? I know that Somalia is a lawless country; but, there is a solution. A solution not unlike the one undertaken by Thomas Jefferson in the early part of the nineteenth century."

"But," she said, "we are already fighting one illegal war. We can't afford another."

"Huh? You voted for Obama, didn't you."

"Of course. Didn't you?"

At this point, The Lifeguard collapsed, frothing at the mouth, over the apparent disdain that this woman had for our nation of laws.

Not only do pirates cause a disruption of shipping traffic through the Gulf of Aden, they wreak havoc on yachtsmen sailing the world's oceans for pleasure. As to the former, the increased costs of insurance and ransoms are passed along to the end-user of the products transported. (That means you and me.) In addition, the ship owners are forced to pay greater wages to be able to retain crew; and, should these pirates actually sink a ship (such as the Sirius Star), the environmental costs would be staggering. As to the latter, lesser pirates, off the coasts of South America, for instance, are emboldened by the successes of the Somalis (and the impotent responses of the U.S. et al.), and begin to see pleasure craft as a source of some quick cash.

In this environment, one of the principal tasks of the United States Navy is not met. Protecting commerce is as important as any other mission; and, it is not being accomplished.

So, for the weak of mind and infirm of spirit, The Lifeguard offers this modest proposal, in four steps:

Step One: Read Heart of Darkness.

Step Two: Task the NSA, the CIA, the DIA, the MIA (and any other "A" you can think of) to tracking the movements of pirates in the Gulf of Aden. They may not be Al Qaeda; but, the cost to society (and the world economy) is at least as significant. Oil tankers, freighters, and other ships are faced with a much longer (and more environmentally damaging) trip if they can not transit the Gulf of Aden.

Step Three: Send an expeditionary force of Special Forces types into Somalia. Support them with a small flotilla of naval vessels, and give them free reign to eradicate known pirates (and their pirate leaders). When caught, take them to the Somali capital (Mogadishu) and hang them. If you catch a few innocents in the noose, so be it. Ship owners would happily contribute to the funding of this force.

Step Four: Sink any piratey-looking scow, dhow, or RIB. Film it. Release it to the world-wide media (and the World Wide Web).

Only by meeting this unconventional threat with overwhelming force will the world be free of the scourge of piracy on the high seas.

Step Five (if there was one), would be to put The Lifeguard in charge of the operation. After all, The Lifeguard is no stranger to keeping the water safe.

My Favourite Holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was driving home tonight, thinking about writing this post. Somehow, I dozed off--doing eighty miles per hour--and was jolted awake by the rumble strip on the highway. In the beams of my headlamps, I saw the hard shoulder, and the median strip.

As the left front tyre left the asphalt, I used my left foot to brake and fed in a right turn. Simultaneously, I jerked the shift lever to the left, engaging the manual shift mode, and quickly downshifted, revving the engine and using the deceleration to regain control.

Too much input into the steering, and the Swedish Ford turned across the highway, tyres squealing, and started careering toward the slow speed lane.

More throttle, down another gear, and some left steering. The car fishtailed; and, in short order, was once more headed in the right direction.

The cars behind me seemed not to miss a beat, and I settled back into my proper lane, with my heart beating a little faster and my head a little clearer.

So, as we end this Thanksgiving Day, I note some of the things for which I am thankful:

Children. All children. Sweet, innocent, and our hope for the future. That children are abused, or hungry, or scared is a great tragedy, and The Lifeguard believes that it is the duty of all men and women to protect them, to respect them.

My parents, who are both deceased, and who taught me the importance of love, of laughter, and of hard work. I miss them both, and I am often saddened by the pain and disappointment that I most certainly caused them over the course of my life.

My friends--both new and old--who have stuck by me (and always will). My oldest (or longest-tenured) friend, M, is one of the finest people that I have ever known. One of my newer friends, J, was a rock to cling to when things were bad. S is a really new friend, and truly special. Then, there are the As, Bs, Ps, the Ls, and an R or two.

Sure, I know that all of this is a little maudlin for The Lifeguard; but, there is something about careering out of control that makes you slow down, focus, and reassess your direction.

Oh, and for the record, The Lifeguard 1, turkey 0.

The Lifeguard on Sabbatical...

The Lifeguard Is Learning Spanish!

I have no choice. I was at Dunkin' Donuts the other day...what can I say, I am a glutton for punishment...and I ordered a breakfast sandwich--something with bacon and egg and cheese.

Imagine my chagrin when I opened the bag to find a delicious blueberry muffin.

I just wonder how you say "blueberry muffin" in Spanish.

And for the record, I hate Dunkin' Donuts. More than ever before.

British Badass!

One Hour And Forty Six Minutes Of Retribution...

Fuck the critics who panned Quantum of Solace. They are idiots.

This is, without a doubt, one of the four best Bond movies ever; and, I stand by this assessment. In fact, I stand by it so much that I will see this movie again, at the cinema. Then, when it comes out on cable, I will see it another forty seven times.

In this film, we see the continued development of James Bond, without the distraction of gadgets and witty banter (even though there are some great lines). Instead, we gain insight into what makes Bond, well, Bond. We see into his soul, and it is dark, sublime.

Judi Dench is great as M; and, Gemma Arterton is unbelievably sexy in the role of Strawberry Fields. Oh, and Olga Kurylenko? Spectacular.

Go and see it. Twice.

Obamerica!

The First African-American President...

may actually be an African. That is to say, he might be a Kenyan; but, we'll never know. We still haven't seen his birth certificate; and, when we do, it'll be too late.

All that aside, he is my President now.

Congratulations, President-Elect Obama. You ran a great campaign. The best that I have ever witnessed. (Even though your opponent, Senator McCain, ran a horrible campaign.)

And now, now that the oceans are receding, the temperature is falling (or rising), and the starving are sated, the real debate can begin.

Obama's OUI

We Needed To Know...
That President George W. Bush had been pinched for an DUI. Getting the news just a few days before the 2000 election was, in no way, meant to keep people from voting for then-candidate Bush. And, 'though some thought it was a dirty trick, it was reported by everyone.

From my perspective, it didn't make a difference to me, because I was already a Bush supporter. (I am still talking about the President.) In fact, I thought that the candidate should have released the news ages earlier, to blunt the possibility that the possibly damaging revelation could derail his campaign.

When the news broke (due to no fault of the mainstream media), I thought that it made the candidate more electable for the simple reason that nearly everyone has driven after having had too much to drink.

That is to say, anyone who has ever raised a glass at a party (or bar), then driven home, could have found themselves in the same situation as then-citizen Bush. The fact that he got caught is the old "There but for the grace of God go I" moment.

Now, just days before the 2008 election, we learn that Senator Obama's aunt, Zeituni Onyango is pulling off the trifecta: She is 1) living illegally in the United States, 2) in public housing, 3) employed by the Boston Housing Authority.

Following the same logic as with Candidate Bush before, I find that this revelation makes the Illinois Senator more electable. I mean, which of us doesn't have an "Auntie Zeituni" who is an illegal alien, in public housing, working for the Boston Housing Authority?

Hell, I do. And my Auntie Zeituni is a "...proud woman..." who really doesn't want to admit that she is related to The Lifeguard (until after the election). I love my Auntie, even though she is an illegal alien.

Oh, wait. I don't have an Auntie Zeituni (although I once drove home from a bar, completely and totally shitfaced).

And, for the record, I remarked ages ago that Hillary! should have been delving into Obama's family tree. She could have found a treasure trove of information that might have put her on the November 4th ballot. But....

The final question? If Senator Obama lets his proud auntie live in a council flat, what do you think he's going to do for (or to) you?