Stiffed!

Car Trouble Kept Me From The Conference

Neither The Lifeguard, nor Senator Scott Brown (R-People's Republic of Massachusetts) were at President Barack Hussein Obama's bi-partisan health care confab. The President (who remains non-Muslim) was hoping to create a show--cover, if you will--for his plans to force health care reform down the throats of 300 million Americans, whether they like it or not.

Indeed, it reminds me of the (many) times that The Lifeguard got spankings. (I am not talking about the ones where the spanker is dressed as Emily Dickinson, I am talking about the ones meted out by The Lifeguard's father.) Without fail, as the beating was administered, my dad would say, "This will hurt me more than it does you." (And The Lifeguard would say, "Ouch!")

But, The Lifeguard digresses.

President Obama, the Democrat party, and a minority of America's pointy-headed elite believe that we need government-run health care. Health care administered with the same efficiency as the United States Postal Service, and with the same accountability as...well...Congress. Health care for the kiddies, the oldies, and everyone in between. Health care for you and for me, and for the estimated 25 million illegal aliens within our borders. (I suppose that we are providing benefits to the so-called anchor babies, children born to illegal immigrants, so as to get a little American citizen on the dole, so why not provide care for everyone.)

Then, America will have the same quality health care that Cuba does. (We will also have the same economic outlook as Cuba, without the great weather, the fabulous cigars, and the '57 Chevies and Fords.) Best of all, we won't have to pay a dime for it.

So, if we are headed down this road...and I believe that we are...The Lifeguard has a few thoughts that might smooth the transition from First World innovation in health care to Third World delivery of services. These are a few modest proposals, which President Obama would be well-served to consider.

First, encourage smoking. The federal coffers are filled with cigarette tax money; but, there is a risk of it drying up as smoking bans take hold around the country. Sure, it's a smelly, messy habit; and, it shortens your life if you smoke heavily. However, it does generate revenue--in massive amounts. Get 100 million Americans smoking again and the state and federal governments could generate an easy $200,000,000.00 a day. That's $73,000,000,000.00 a year. That's real money. On top of it, shorter lifespans equal fewer people collecting social security, so that injects more money into the pool of cash in which Congress frolics. Add to that productivity gains when workers are no longer forced to go outside to smoke, and American industry will be rolling once more.

Second, eliminate fertility treatments. The Lifeguard doesn't want to pay a dime for some forty-something dimwit who wants a child to love, but who is infertile. (Or worse, married to some weasel who is shooting blanks.) You want a child, then adopt. Given the moral dilemma created when fertility treatments yield a litter--and the ensuing multiple births (or reductions)--eliminating fertility treatments will save countless billions of dollars.

Third, institute real malpractice reform. If noted Russian sex reassignment surgeon, Dr. Ivana Ketchacockov's scalpel slips, the patient shouldn't be able to sue for tens of millions of dollars. Out of pocket expenses? Yes. Medical treatment necessitated by the malpractice? Of course. Twenty million dollars because you have a funny scar? No fucking way. Indeed, The Lifeguard has never understood why juries give scads of money to victims of malpractice. (Beyond what is reasonable, of course.) It is true that insurance companies have boatloads of money. It is also true that they pass along the costs--by way of higher premiums--to doctors, thus putting an unnatural pressure on them to charge higher fees and to practice defencive medicine. And, of course, those same companies pass along higher premiums to those buying health insurance. Sure, the jury gave little Suzy $8,000,000.00. They also gave themselves (and their doctors) greater overhead.

As an aside, government health care shouldn't pay for sex changes, either. (The Lifeguard would be willing to support covering the following procedures, however. Breast augmentation, liposuction, nose jobs, and botox. Improved self-esteem equates to happier people.)

Finally, The Lifeguard recommends that any immigrant--illegal or otherwise--who comes to this country with a chronic disease (e.g., HIV/AIDS, TB, pregnancy, or cancer) be screened and deported (unless they can pay for their care). President Obama has recently changed the requirement of screening for these diseases, and now lets anyone who can run, jump or swim here stay here, regardless of their medical condition. This is, gentle readers, a matter of the public health. Allowing people to enter our borders, then suck up a finite resource, without contributing, is the first step on the road to perdition. Again, a billion saved is a billion that can be spent on the future Barney Frank Memorial Bathhouse and Day Care Center.

Just a few thoughts.

Maybe the POTUS is listening.

Dynamic Douche-o

Batman and Robin?
I was talking to my friend, N., who said she pictured these chaps, attired in tights, sliding down the pole, to jump in the Batmobile. (Which, coincidentally, is shaped like a giant bat.) Then, racing off to fight crime and against good baseball commentary.

I can see it now: Commissioner Selig has the searchlight, which illuminates the skies over Gotham, with a beam in the shape of a baseball. This tells the Dynamic Douche-o that there is a baseball game to be broadcast, with all sorts of annoyingly stupid remarks to be made. For three hours and forty two minutes. On Fox.

"Holy Hardball, Batman! Joe Girardi is not making a pitching change."

Dear God, please let...

IT IS MY FAVOURITE STORY ABOUT ACC BASKETBALL...

In a moment of weakness, I dated a woman who went to Dook University. One night, we went to a Dook v. University of Miami basketball game (pre-UM entering the ACC), and had a meal before the game. A friend, who was at Dook Divinity School offered a prayer over the meal, which concluded with the following words: "May Dean Smith and the University of North Carolina basketball team die in a fiery bus crash."

I was horrified. (Yes, there is a line, even for The Lifeguard.)

But, sitting here watching the Number 1 Dook Blue Devils play Number 4 Wake Forest (at the Joel), I can kind of see his point of view.

Not only am I frustrated by the poor officiating (which cuts both ways), I am angry with (at least one of the) announcers. Dick Vitale, who is proof positive that there is no justice in the world, is so far up Mike Krzyzewski's ass that he can tell you what Coach K had for supper yesterday...without asking.

But, Wake is leading at the half, 33-28, so I am (for the time being) not beating my kids, breaking random shit, or screaming obscenities into the ether.