Saturday, January 10, 2009

I Hate Everyone, Volume 2

Life in New England...

can be a perplexing mix of weirdness and sublime idiocy. For instance, it snows in New England. Sometimes, a lot. And yet, every summer, there is a giant orgy, where nearly every New Englander has their brains completely effed out, thus erasing everything that they once knew about driving in the snow.

Unfortunately, I have never been invited to that orgy, because I know how to drive in the motherhumping snow!

The other day, on my commute to work, some moron (and his moron chick) kept climbing out of the windows of their moving vehicle to scrape snow off of the windscreen of the truck...while they were a snowstorm. I mean, they were climbing out of the windows. Sitting on the door. Scraping the windscreen. While they were driving. In a snowstorm.

Sadly, neither person fell out of the window (which would have surely earned them an entry into the 2009 Darwin Awards competition).

The prior snowstorm, we got absolutely shit-hammered with snow. I went out to clear the sidewalks and driveway.

As New England is a region of contrasts, witness two different reactions:

First, I cleaned up my elderly widowed neighbour's sidewalk and driveway.

"Oh, Lifeguard," she said. "Please don't do this now. We are still going to get more snow, and I want you to wait until tomorrow to clean it up."

"Um. But, I have to work in the morning, so I figured that I would clean it up now, which will make it easier for me to do tomorrow."

"But, I didn't want you to do it now. I want you to wait until the storm is over," she said.

So, The Lifeguard bid her adieu...and never went back.

Now, when I plowed my other neighbours--an Irish woman and her daughters--they were so grateful. Happy about the snow clean up, too.

And now, another storm is coming...

and you can bet your sweet ass that The Lifeguard will be letting the old broad shovel her own effing snow.

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