The First Viable Female Candidate...

Former Senator John Edwards has made quite the name for himself, from being Senator John Kerry's lap-dog, to his $1,000.00 haircuts, to letting his wife take on his detractors. He is, effectively, the first female candidate for President of the United States, and we are proud of him. Very proud.

Senator Barack Hussein Obama (D-IL) is the first...well...something. Maybe the first candidate with the middle name, "Hussein." After all, President William Jefferson Clinton was the first black president.

Senator Hillary! (D-NY) is the first candidate who is terribly uncomfortable with her sexuality. She is not really a woman, because she doesn't want people to see her as a weak female...unless it helps her. Like when she does badly in a debate, and claims--though her mouthpiece--that Hillary! was the victim of a pile-on.

For instance, longtime Clinton adviser Patti Solis Doyle also stated: “On that stage in Philadelphia, we saw six against one. Candidates who had pledged the politics of hope practiced the politics of pile on instead."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Out There) is the first certifiably insane candidate, largely based upon his having witnessed a UFO. Believe me, Kucinich is more likely to live in his mother's basement than to have seen a UFO. But hey, he makes the three front-runners look moderate and sane. Or, just moderately sane.

The bottom line when it comes to this field trip from the Home for the Unpatriotically Vapid, the only loser is the United States of America.

Iraq is a mess: Let's surrender. Rich people have money: Tax the shit out of them. Muslims fly airplanes into buildings killing 3,000 innocents: Stop grandma at security and cavity-search her, while letting Madame Burqa board without removing her head dress because it might offend her. Rich people still have money: Tax them some more. Americans understand the need to have a common language: Prevent English from being declared the National Tongue. America is founded by God-fearing people: Erase all evidence of God from everything.

Perfect.

So, as we roll into the next debate, expect more of the same. More dissembling. More anti-American rhetoric. More UFOs. More horseshit.