It's Lent!

The Lifeguard Goes 57 Minutes...*

Lent is here, baby. It began with Ash Wednesday (duh!); and, as usual, The Lifeguard pledged to eschew the use of the word "fuck" for the forty days of Lent. The same pledge that The Lifeguard has made for the last eleven years (because during Lent, one sacrifices that which is important).

Over the last decade (plus one year), The Lifeguard has been pretty consistent, breaking his pledge relatively quickly.

The longest period of time without "fuck" was 26 hours. The shortest, six minutes.

This year, The Lifeguard made it 57 minutes without using the word "fuck."

57 fucking minutes. Pretty fucking pathetic, don't you think?

*Usually, when The Lifeguard says that he has gone 57 minutes, he is talking about a quickie.

HFWTFMF?!?

I Have No Effing Idea!

One of my employees asked me if it was legal to slaughter a goat within the city limits. I said, "I don't know."

He then asked if it made a difference if the goat was slaughtered as a part of a religious ceremony.

I told him that I thought that the same rules applied for sacrificing goats as for virgins. Of course, The Lifeguard is totally against the sacrifice of virgins. Rather, the Lifeguard believes that virgins should be converted, whenever possible, thus preventing the possibility that they might be sacrificed.

This prompted me to ruminate on other questions to which I have no answer.

Like, if a woman says, "It's not you, it's me", is it possible that it really is her?

Or, if a woman says, "I think that it would be good for you to go out with your friends", is it possible that there is not an evil trap laid for the unsuspecting man. In other words, could she actually think that going out with the boys is a good thing?

Screw it. The Lifeguard is too damn tired to ask answer any more questions.

GFY.*

*Good for you. (As far as you know.)

That dog don't hunt...

Youth Basketball...That Says It All.
While watching Number Two play youth basketball, I thought back to my days on the Grandview Celtics, and the years spent struggling with dreams of the NBA or the ABA (since we were an ABA town) and the reality of being a short white kid with no ball-handling skills (that sounds really dirty, now), no speed, and no vertical jump.

We used to spend the summers practicing our dunks at a friend's house (courtesy of a 7' basket in his garage), shooting hoops at the Stake Centre, and getting ready for the complete domination of our adversaries on the court in the winter. We did the clinics at the local college, went to the high school and college games, and dreamed the aforementioned dreams of being the next John Havlicek or "Pistol Pete" Maravich.

And, when the time came to select our uniform numbers, I chose "53", the number worn by Darryl Dawkins (who was then known, politically incorrectly as the "Baby Gorilla"). I was in awe of this high school ballplayer, who entered the NBA draft on a hardship exemption, and was selected by the Philadelphia 76ers, in the 1975 draft.

Did I think I could ever be "The Rimwrecker"?

Hell, no. I just liked his elan. I liked the fact that he was confident enough to make the jump (like Moses Malone) from high school basketball to the pros. And, I loved the fact that, in later years, he would deliver the "Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump-Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam, Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam." (The dunk that shattered the glass backboard in a game against the Kansas City Kings, in 1979.)

So, today, as I watched the "hope of our future" play basketball, I remembered warmly my time on the hardwood. And, I wondered, how many of these kids actually realise just how much fun they are having...and how much they will miss it when they are older.

War of the Words.

T.W.O.T.* Is Dead. Long Live The T.W.O.T.!

The Obama Administration, in an effort to portray a kinder, gentler United States of America, has abandoned the expression, "The War On Terror" in favour of "Tina".

After trying out other terms, President Obama settled on "Tina" because it just sounds "...nicer."

"We want the world to like us, as much as the Mainstream Media likes me," the President said Sunday.

"I tried the '...enduring struggle against terrorism and extremism..." but it had the words 'terrorism' and 'extremism', which makes us all sound like a bunch of witch-hunting, Bush-loving, Republicans," said President Obama.

So, after spending hours with focus groups, and consulting with Operation Pinko, the President chose "Tina."

Said one of the President's closest confidants, "Everyone likes 'Tina.' She's sweet, pleasant, and non-confrontational. What better way to describe our struggle?"


*The War On Terror

Not for the squeamish.

An American Peace Corps Worker Was Attacked...

by a leopard. The big cat jumped her one night while she was sitting around the tribal campfire, drinking some God-foresaken native beverage. If not for the quick thinking and swift action of the tribal elders, the poor woman would have died, tragically, swallowed whole by the beast.

In order to save the woman, the cat's head had to be cut off, completely, thus saving the woman's life, as evidenced by the file photo above.

PETA is said to be pissed.

It's a great day!

Wake Beats Dook!
Carolina Beats FSU!

Do I have to say anything else?

Dear God, please let...

IT IS MY FAVOURITE STORY ABOUT ACC BASKETBALL...

In a moment of weakness, I dated a woman who went to Dook University. One night, we went to a Dook v. University of Miami basketball game (pre-UM entering the ACC), and had a meal before the game. A friend, who was at Dook Divinity School offered a prayer over the meal, which concluded with the following words: "May Dean Smith and the University of North Carolina basketball team die in a fiery bus crash."

I was horrified. (Yes, there is a line, even for The Lifeguard.)

But, sitting here watching the Number 1 Dook Blue Devils play Number 4 Wake Forest (at the Joel), I can kind of see his point of view.

Not only am I frustrated by the poor officiating (which cuts both ways), I am angry with (at least one of the) announcers. Dick Vitale, who is proof positive that there is no justice in the world, is so far up Mike Krzyzewski's ass that he can tell you what Coach K had for supper yesterday...without asking.

But, Wake is leading at the half, 33-28, so I am (for the time being) not beating my kids, breaking random shit, or screaming obscenities into the ether.

At least I saw it...once.

I Can Not Believe How Much Dino Gaudio Reminds Me Of Jimmy V...
On Wednesday, January 21st, 2009, The Lifeguard took a trip to Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and was able to see the then-Number One Wake Forest Demon Deacons struggle with a Virginia Tech Hokies team that played out of their heads for forty minutes.

Sadly, Wake lost to the Hokies--a team that looked like five pumpkins (and which has a castrated turkey as a mascot)--by a score of 78-71. And though Jeff Teague banged in 23 points, the Demon Deacons just could not overcome the fired-up Hokies, the near-silent alumni, the poor shooting (43.1% to Tech's 50.0%), and uneven officiating (Wake didn't even go to the charity stripe in the first half).

But, I got to see a top-ranked Wake Forest squad play, live, for the first time in my life, so I'll take it.

Now, if Gaudio can do like Jimmy V and win the NCAA Championship...

*Photo courtesy of SAL Photo Bureau (Copyright 2009)

She's Not Even That Hot...

I'll Give You Change...

Dana Delaney, one of the stars of Desperate Housewives (or, as Chris Rock calls it, Ungrateful Bitches) was just interviewed on Fox News about the new administration.

She thought item number one should be to lift the so-called "global gag rule" so that women around the world could start getting their U.S. Government funded abortions once more.

Tell you what, honey. Let me decide who gets the abortions and I'll give you some change you can believe in.

Tzipi!

What's Good For The Goose...

If some bassackward retard in a Third World backwater said to his followers that someone should "...expend a bullet on [Livni]," would anyone care? Hell, some bassackward retard in the United States of Amerikkka said "God damn America," and one of his followers got elected President.

But, I digress.

Israel, our strongest ally in the broader Middle East, is presently running Operation Cast Lead (to the chagrin of the rest of the Jew-hating world). They are in the process of draining the swamp that is the Gaza Strip (which means "place to launch rockets at the Jewish dogs" in Arabic)...a process that lasted until yesterday, when Prime Minister Ehud Olmert called a halt to the operation.

Now, it is all well and good to "claim victory" when the pressure from the world is mounting; but, it is foolish to think that a group--Hamas--that wants to eradicate Israel from the map will do anything other than claim their own victory, and use the cease fire in their own recruiting posters. After all, they survived for three weeks--sort of like the Viet Cong survived--and waited for public pressure against Israel to reach a critical mass.

Now, Israel is at a crossroads: Kill every last terrorist--and every last person that Hamas puts in harm's way; or, quit, claim victory, and sit back until the next rocket attack (which is scheduled for two hours from when you read this post).

Frankly, I don't understand how a group that can build tunnels and car bombs, and can afford rockets and ammunition, can't build schools and homes and have running water. Oh, wait, it's just easier to blame the Jews.

Peace in the broader Middle East will only come when one of two things happen: Either Israel tells the world to "fuck off" and outright wins the war (which is next to impossible given public sentiment and the fact that Israel is all alone in a sea of hate); or, Arab mothers (and fathers) will start loving their children more than they hate Israel (and the Jews).

Yeah...The Lifeguard isn't holding his breath.

In the meantime, if anyone hurts Tzipi...

Yeah, baby!

If Wake Forest Isn't Number One...

I will have an effing thrombo.

Dook, Wake Forest's cross-state rival, and present Number Two, did manage to beat Number Twelve, Georgetown; but, Dook lost to Michigan back on December 6th.

Wake Forest, on the other hand, is the nation's only unbeaten Division I team (following the Louisville upset of Pitt).

Wake beat Carolina (ugly), pounded Boston College (at Conte), and lit up Clemson, at Littlejohn. Wake Forest is the real deal, and there is no reason (other than the basketball press corps sucks up to Dook) that Wake Forest isn't the new Number One.*

*Of course, the University of Utah went undefeated in football, and they got screwed.

The Wisdom Of Big Bob.

This Is My Favourite Picture...

My dad, who is third from the left, was a great man...and, he is dead. But, not a day goes by that I don't think about some of the wisdom (and pithy sayings) that he offered The Lifeguard on a near daily basis.

He always used to say that I was not afraid of hard work. "Son," he would say, "you could lay down beside it and go to sleep."

On work, he noted that "if work were fun, it wouldn't be called work." In fact, he believed that the natural order of things should be that every person should get to have their retirement from the age of 22 (after finishing college; or, just as important, military service) to the age of 32. The government would pay you Social Security, and you could fuck off to your heart's content. But, at the age of 32, you went to work...where you stayed 'til you died. Too many people, he noted, worked their entire lives only to die before they could enjoy the fruits of their labours.

He observed that, "Manual Labour is not the President of Mexico."

That, "If you needed a day's work, get a boy. If you needed half a day's work, get two."

Or, "The only thing that you can do well with gloves is piss your pants."

On religion, he thought that if you weren't going to actively participate in the activities in your church, you should go and play golf. He was a member of the Church of the Seventh Green; and, he celebrated the glory of God, upon his retirement, on the golf course at least five times a week.

Of Hell, he said that, "At least I'll be warm, and all of my friends will be there."

He recommended a healthy amount of Scots Whisky daily; and, he enjoyed the occasional Cuban (cigar, you sickos). "No one ever died from having a whisky and a Cohiba (or Romeo Y Julietta)," he would say. And, when The Lifeguard was teeing up the ball, he would offer his support (especially if we were playing a $5.00 Nassau, and there was a press on):

"Don't shank it," he would say.

"Dad, we're on the same team," I would respond.

[Shanking the ball.] "Fuck!"

"I told you not to shank it," he would offer.

He was a man who was larger than life. He survived polio, a World War, a couple of plane crashes, and a car accident that would have killed a lesser man. He was full of a humble swagger that was admired by many (and owned by few).

He didn't have a favourite book, song, or movie. He loved living. He could solve the world's problems before 0700; and, shoot an 83 before noon. In the afternoon, he would be the referee in a sporting event. At night, he'd solve the problems of the world that had arisen since last he'd solved them.

I never knew how much my dad knew until I realised just how little I knew.

And, as the seventh anniversary of his death approaches, I think about his life, his love.

He was a great man; and, if The Lifeguard can be half as good as him, The Lifeguard will be a great man, too.

God bless you, Big Bob.

I Hate Everyone, Volume 2

Life in New England...

can be a perplexing mix of weirdness and sublime idiocy. For instance, it snows in New England. Sometimes, a lot. And yet, every summer, there is a giant orgy, where nearly every New Englander has their brains completely effed out, thus erasing everything that they once knew about driving in the snow.

Unfortunately, I have never been invited to that orgy, because I know how to drive in the motherhumping snow!

The other day, on my commute to work, some moron (and his moron chick) kept climbing out of the windows of their moving vehicle to scrape snow off of the windscreen of the truck...while they were driving...in a snowstorm. I mean, they were climbing out of the windows. Sitting on the door. Scraping the windscreen. While they were driving. In a snowstorm.

Sadly, neither person fell out of the window (which would have surely earned them an entry into the 2009 Darwin Awards competition).

The prior snowstorm, we got absolutely shit-hammered with snow. I went out to clear the sidewalks and driveway.

As New England is a region of contrasts, witness two different reactions:

First, I cleaned up my elderly widowed neighbour's sidewalk and driveway.

"Oh, Lifeguard," she said. "Please don't do this now. We are still going to get more snow, and I want you to wait until tomorrow to clean it up."

"Um. But, I have to work in the morning, so I figured that I would clean it up now, which will make it easier for me to do tomorrow."

"But, I didn't want you to do it now. I want you to wait until the storm is over," she said.

So, The Lifeguard bid her adieu...and never went back.

Now, when I plowed my other neighbours--an Irish woman and her daughters--they were so grateful. Happy about the snow clean up, too.

And now, another storm is coming...

and you can bet your sweet ass that The Lifeguard will be letting the old broad shovel her own effing snow.

Avenged!

I Hate Boston College!

For several reasons...

First, they are the primary rival for my Boston University Terriers (in Hockey East) and my Wake Forest Demon Deacons (in ACC action, if only because I live in a place with a heavy concentration of BC graduates...and wannabes).

Second, BC alumni are obnoxious. The joke, how do you find the Boston College graduate in a roomful of people?* is eerily true.

Finally, well, I can not remember what the other reason is; but, I am sure that if you wait a minute, I can tell you.

So, last night, the lowly Harvard Crimson journeyed out Commonwealth Avenue to play Boston College, the 17th ranked team in the land (based in large part on their stunning upset of the then-top-ranked North Carolina Tar Heels).

And, the Crimson won--with five white (or, at least, light) guys--82-70, stunning the Conte Forum crowd.

It was sweet. And, for a minute, I lived the old saw, "My two favourite teams are Boston University/Villanova University/Wake Forest University (my three NCAA Division I alma maters, in alphabetical order), and whoever is playing Boston College."

*Just wait a minute, he'll tell you.

I hate that effing song!

The University of North Carolina Is On To Something...
After giving their coach, a huge (but, apparently, not huge enough) raise, the University of North Carolina football team made it to a bowl (The Something or Another Car Care Bowl), and nearly won the game. Against the West Virginia University Mountaineers. (Of course, the saddest part, aside from the next part of this post, is that this was, essentially, a home game for the Heels. And, they blew it.)

And, you know what it means when the Mountaineers win, sports fans?

They play, the John Denver standard, "Take Me Home (Country Roads)". Loudly.

And, as I have said about another song associated with a college, "I hate that fucking song."*

*For those in the know, that other song is the University of Tennessee's, "Rocky Top."

[Ed. Note: Last The Lifeguard checked, the Wake Forest Demon Deacons were the only North Carolina team to win their bowl game.]

Happy Effin' New Year!

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been...
There was a snow storm yesterday, on New Year's Eve. And, it was bitter cold, with the temperatures hovering around, oh, 5 degrees Fahrenheit. (In other words, it was fucking cold, courtesy of man-made climate change.)

To top it all off, The Lifeguard was facing some serious impediments to his New Year's Eve plans. The weather led to cancellations, travel difficulties, and the like. And, at 3:00pm, I got the call that I was dreading....

"I don't think that Ryan will be able to make it tonight," she said. "It may be just you and me, if you don't mind."

"Sure, that's okay, I guess," I said.

So, I raced out to suburban Boston airfield and met my ride, a sleek, shiny G-V. (The picture above was taken on the plane. Hey, you have to be comfortable when you travel, right?)

Winging our way toward New York City, we sipped cocktails and ate some sushi that had been earlier procured from Nobu.

"I am really sorry that Ryan couldn't make it. I hope that you don't mind spending the night with me," she said.

"No, that's okay. Really, it'll be fun," I said. (The Lifeguard is always the life of the party. She knows it, I know it, get over it.)

Touching down at Westchester, and hopping a limo to The City was rather a drag; but, we got by, on icy cold Pol Roger and shrimp cocktail. Fantastic.

Then, last night, at a private party, we danced the night away. I actually didn't mind that Ryan couldn't make it. And, this morning, I woke up, alone...with a note pinned to the pillow:

"Thanks for a great night. Hope that your 2009 is everything that you hope that it will be. Love and hugs, S." (The Lifeguard can not believe that anyone signs any note "Love and hugs.")

So, as The Lifeguard makes his way home (flying commercial...ugh!), he sends you the same wishes: That that your 2009 is everything that you want it to be.

(Of course, with President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama's swearing in just over two weeks away, whatever your hopes and dreams are will be fulfilled (especially if you are a member of the United Auto Workers, or future Senator William Jefferson Clinton).)

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

The Lifeguard Wept...

I was at Mass yesterday afternoon, and I was taken by the poinsettias, a beautiful sea of scarlet and white. And, my favourite reading...'though, frankly, Linus Van Pelt does it better than any man:

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

So, on this Christmas Day, The Lifeguard wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a joyful and prosperous New Year.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

The Lifeguard Fears No Man!

Years ago, The Lifeguard taught fourth grade in an elementary school in Massachusetts.* My goal was to have students who not only spoke in complete sentences, but who also had exceptional vocabularies. Each day, The Lifeguard assigned a word, and told the kiddos that they were liable to be called on to use that word in a sentence.

On Thursday, before a big snowstorm, I gave them their word: "contagious".

On the following Monday--school having been cancelled due to the storm--I asked my students, in turn, to use the word in a sentence.

Sarah said, "My mother put me in bed with my brother when he had chicken pox, because chicken pox are contagious."

"Excellent," I said.

James offered, "I came home from school the other day, and told my brother a joke. He started laughing, and then my mother started laughing, and then, my father started laughing. That's because laughter is contagious."

"Outstanding."

Then, little Liam O'Sullivan, a recent arrival from Dublin, raised his hand.

In his thick Irish accent, he said, "On Friday, my mum went outside to shovel our driveway. It took her two hours, but she got the whole thing cleared, and was about to come back inside
the house when the plow drove by and piled all of the snow back up at the end of the driveway. My dad looked out the window and said, 'Oh, it'll take that contagious to clear that snow."

*The Lifeguard is willing to do just about anything for a joke. For the record, I never taught fourth grade in Boston, or anywhere else.

Third Time's The Charm...

Friday Firing, Part III

"Boss, phone for you."

I went to the phone, and picked up the handset. It was the employee that I had fired before. (That's right, sports fans, I had to fire someone twice.)

Really, who has to fire someone twice? I mean, sometimes the terminated employee returns to the workplace...with a Glock, or an AK-47...intent on shooting up the place. This guy returned to the workplace to...work.

"Boss," he said. "I was wondering if it would be all right if I came into work today."

"What? No, I don't think it would be all right."

"Why?" he said.

"Because, I already let you go...twice."

Or, as Coach Red Beaulieu said, "You're fired."

Fuck the heck?

Several weeks ago, I had an employee who was not faring well in the fast-paced environs of my plant. He was frequently tardy (as in, every day), and advised me that--two days into the job--that he was not feeling well, and that he needed to go to the doctor.

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard has been around the block a few times, not to mention years in a workers' compensation practice, and he saw that there was something fishy about the complaints of varied aches and pains.

Lifeguard: "You need to work today, and this weekend. Go to the doctor tonight."

Employee: "I can't. My [body part] hurts."

Lifeguard: "Well, then, you can have the weekend off.'

Employee: "Really, boss? Thanks."

Lifeguard: "In fact, you can take the rest of this week off. And next week, too."

Employee: "Wow, you are the best."

Lifeguard: "Now, get the fuck out...and don't come back."

Imagine The Lifeguard's dismay when, upon arriving at work the following week, Employee was cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Lifeguard: "What are you doing here?"

Employee: "Here for work, boss."

Lifeguard: "But, I let you go last week."

Employee: "But, it's Christmas."

At which point, The Lifeguard completely lost his mind...and fired him again.