Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

HFWTFMF?!?

Putting the "Tonk" in Honky Tonk...

The Lifeguard recently took a trip to that beachfront paradise, Old Orchard Beach, Maine. (The pier appears above.) A mere 60 minutes from Boston, and a place where the shot, the stabbed, the pierced and tattooed can take the sun and enjoy the surf without fear of being judged by anyone other than The Lifeguard.

A brief stroll past the shops on the main street revealed tattoo parlours, piercing pagodas, and fried dough purveyors. (Remember, one must be 18 to be pierced or tattooed. However, The Lifeguard's observations revealed that a lot of people--especially young girls--have fake IDs, or boyfriends who have tattoo guns.) Indeed, there is nothing sexier than a pimple-faced teenager with stretch marks, belly scars, navel jewelry and a tramp stamp. In fact, The Lifeguard had to brace himself as he got nearer to hell (or, closer to the beach).

Upon reaching the sand, The Lifeguard encountered the cream of the crop.

There she was. A vision of beauty. A testament to years of tanning, without sun block. Her skin, like deeply tanned leather. A sun hat, hanging playfully on her cane, which was near her beach chair. I tried to turn away, but couldn't, drawn to the portable oxygen kit and the tattoos adorning her belly. Tipping the scales at a svelte 100 kilos, she was a goddess, smoking a generic cigarette and scanning the beach for men (or food).

There were pasty Canadians, speaking French and wearing Riviera Dink Suits. There were 30 year old women, trailed by a Benetton-ad's worth of kids. There were barely-legal girls, showing off their bodies, fully aware that they are built for sex. It was a frightening milieu, and The Lifeguard, after dipping his toes in the chilly Atlantic, retreated to his car.

Then, needing therapy, a drink and a tetanus shot, The Lifeguard left OOB. For good.

Happy Birthday, America!

You don't look a day over 200.

Speedos!

If a Republican Said It...

...he'd be pilloried. But, since it was President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) who said that Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) is a great Congresswoman because, "...she's got a cute smile," it's all good.

Seriously? The leader of the party of free abortions and Weinergate, the defender of the fairer sex, gets away with this shit? Where is the outrage among women?

Hell, if the Democrat calculus was applied to Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann (R-MN), they should be elected "Presidents for Life" given that either one has a far better smile than Wasserman-Schultz. But, then again, these are the same morons (i.e., Democrats) who think that Mrs. Obama has "...toned arms."

Clearly, the "D" no longer stands for Democrat; but, rather, for "Dumbass."

Now, this is not to say that Republicans are not immune from stupidity (or immorality). In fact, they also have these traits in spades. [Ed. Note: That is a bridge reference, not a racist comment.] The difference is that when Republicans show their feet of clay, the media rips them a new orifice. With Dems, it's different. It's okay.

If only Anthony Weiner (heh heh, Weiner) had just said, "Yeah, I sent the pictures," the tempest would have been over. Instead, he lied and dissembled, before coming clean. (Pun intended.) Similarly, then-President Clinton waved his bony finger in our faces, on national television, and said, "I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." (Women praised President Clinton for using one of their own as a receptacle. Go figure.)

The tragedy here is that America's resources are squandered on things like Clinton's infidelities (The Lifeguard was horrified...that the most powerful man in the world couldn't get better than Lewinsky), then Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" ("Just because guys fuck me in an airport bathroom doesn't make me gay"), or Rep. Weiner's...um...weiner. (To quote Bill Maher, Weiner's greatest sin is that, "...he didn't get any." To quote The Lifeguard, Weiner's greatest sin is that he sent pictures of his weiner, which, experts say, is more like a Vienna sausage or cocktail frank.)

And, for the record, The Lifeguard's schlong has converted to Judaism and legally changed its name...to Anthony...Weiner.

Now, where is Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz's telephone number?

Beisbol has been berry, berry good to me.

Obamination!

A Moat? That Sounds Good.

President Obama, feeling empowered after leading the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, spoke to a group of Latino voters (some legal, some...not so much), telling them that he was the man who got Osama, and that he was the man who would recreate a Mexican paradise here in America. (If only those wascally Wepublicans would cooperate.)

Saying that he wanted immigration reform, and that he had single-handedly secured the border, he mocked those who are demanding completion of the border fence, deportation of illegal immigrants, and troops on the border to stem the tide of illegals.

"Maybe they'll need a moat," the President said. "Maybe they'll want alligators in the moat," the President remarked, in response to peals of laughter.

Which brings The Lifeguard to what we, as Americans, need and want.

First, we want a secure border. Not only does a crime occur every time an illegal immigrant crosses our border, those individuals do enormous damage to the United States. They carry drugs, weapons, and disease. They bring baby factories into the United States, women who will crank out "anchor babies," born in US hospitals, draining the resources of an already over-burdened health care system. (And, with policies that lean toward keeping families together, these babies provide a basis for leaving the illegal parents here in America.) Additionally, these illegals buy documents, obtain driving licences, and (probably) vote in our elections. (After all, no one seriously checks identification at polling places.) Finally, they take jobs (albeit crappy ones) from Americans, who are desperate for employment.

Second, we like law and order. By granting a "path to citizenship" to people who are illegally in the United States, the administration spits on those who are going about the immigration process legally. Now, if all of the illegals would leave and reapply, then maybe The Lifeguard will get on board.

Finally, using an ethnic group as a pawn for re-election smacks of the worst kind of racism. The kind of racism decried by President Obama (and Democrat politicians). By purchasing their votes, on the backs of the rest of us, the value of American citizenship is cheapened. The future of America is made more grim.

So, before we get ahead of ourselves on immigration reform, could we get a quote on that moat?

Speedos

Admit It. You've Missed The Lifeguard.

Dateline, Abbottabad, Pakistan. Terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden is still dead.

And while President Obama gave the order to take down the leader of Al Qaeda, the intelligence from the facility at Guantanamo Bay was integral to making it all happen.

So, The Lifeguard gives special thanks to Presidents Bush and Obama. (The former for opening the detention facility, the latter for keeping it in operation.) More importantly, The Lifeguard thanks the men and women of our armed services, as well as the men of Seal Team Six, for helping bin Laden keep his appointment with Allah.

Oh, and for the record, "There is no 'Seal Team Six.'"

A few more thoughts.

Isn't there a bit of irony that Pope John Paul II was beatified on the same day that Osama assumed room temperature? Can't we just give JP II credit for this "miracle"?

Why can a morbidly obese policeman stop The Lifeguard for speeding? The Lifeguard can't stop him from eating donuts. (And, The Lifeguard pays for his motherhumping insurance.) Seriously, The Lifeguard understands that some people struggle with their weight; but, when a 6' tall cop weighs over 300 pounds, and can't fasten his seat belt because he can't get it over his stomach, he is too damn fat.

$4.25 for gasoline? And all the while, oil and gas drilling permits are being held up by the EPA. Seriously? If the United States is not going to grab some oil in Libya and Iraq, then we should be grabbing it here at home. And, if you think gasoline prices are bad here, check out Germany. Yes, it is true that there is a lag between exploration and drilling; but, the mere issuance of a statement about increased drilling has the effect of lowering oil prices. It's happened in the past. It can happen again.

Why does any toll road have pot holes? The state collects the money for that reason, so why isn't it used for repairs. (Maybe it goes to pay toll takers?) It would make so much more sense to take down the tolls, give every driver a FastLane (or EZ Pass) and charge them accordingly.

Will the next Royal Wedding get as much press as the last one? Does anyone care?

Peace!

HFWTFMF?!?

Training A SEAL Team: Classified

Running A Black Op: Classified

Killing OBL With A Head Shot: Priceless

Happy Easter, From The Lifeguard

The Lifeguard only wishes he could "save" like He does.

HFWTFMF?!?

Who Watches Golf on Television?

More to the point, who records golf on television for viewing at a later time? Seriously, who does that?

The Lifeguard received a call on Thursday morning.

Friend: "Uh, hello. Lifeguard?"

Lifeguard: "You got him."

Friend: "Hey, um, I had to go out of town for a funeral. Would you go to my house, break in, and record The Masters?"

Lifeguard: "You're kidding, right?"

Friend: "No. I am serious. I am going to take Monday off so that I can watch the tournament. I mean, it's going to be hard to avoid any news on the tournament, but it's really important to me."

Lifeguard: "Um, yeah. What are friends for?"

The Lifeguard understands recording NCIS or The Royal Wedding (The Lifeguard will be in attendance, naturally).

Oh, and on my friend's door, I left this note on Sunday night:

"Holy shit! Who'd have thought that Charl Schwartzel could have pulled off the win?"

They Are Probably Looking For Some Harassment

The Supreme Court heard oral arguments in what could be the most significant case of the century. The women seek to represent the class in a sex discrimination suit against Wal-Mart, claiming that their experiences are indicative of a culture of discrimination at the Arkansas-based retailer.

Of course, the only winners, if the Supremes uphold the Ninth Circus Court of Appeals (who allowed the certification, 10-9, sitting en banc), are the lawyers who represent the women.

Their fees could be close to a billion dollars, including costs and expenses. Not a bad day's work. Each woman, on the other hand, would end up with about $1,000.00 in back pay and compensation. (Just enough to put down a payment to secure some liposuction or other cosmetic surgery.)

Aside from the fact that certifying a class in a case where every claim of discrimination is different, it smacks of the worst sort of Oprah-style justice, where every man is an ogre, and every woman--all 1.5 million of them--a victim.

One can only hope that the Supremes get this one right.

Like Father, Like Son...

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi (who is a Muslim) and President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not) are seen together, sharing stories about life, love and their mutual friend, The Honourable Minister Louis Farrakhan.

In this context, it is easy to see why President Obama took the easy route and let the French, the United Kingdom, and the rest of the world take action against the Libyan leader, who is putting down--brutally--the uprising by his people. In fact, President Obama was dragged, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking, of course) into this morass, a day late and $500 million short.

Indeed, were it not for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton (who, apparently, has the balls in this administration), the United States would still be on the sidelines. Not only did she urge action in this matter, she has been on the vanguard, the public face of America's response to Gaddafi's insolence.

But, to his defence, President Obama has had other things on his mind, like his Final Four picks (both men and women), a trip to Brazil, and lunch. In fact, one could make several comparisons.

The first, to the Roman Emperor, Nero, who fiddled while Rome burned. Similarly, President Obama seems to be dedicated to avoiding any action that might jeapordise his chances at re-election. Said Obama, "The American public is so fucking stupid, they will have forgotten everything by the next news cycle, so all I have to do is lay low." (Well, he didn't really say that; but, it seems to be a fair assessment of his strategy these days.)

The second, and more telling comparison, is to President George W. Bush and his administration. For eight years, we were shelled with accusations that President Bush was just a figurehead, who did nothing while letting his much smarter vice president carry the heavy load. (Of course, this ignores all that President Bush did do, but that is another post for another day.)

In this administration, Obama does nothing, Vice President Joe Biden opens Amtrak stations, and Secretary Clinton does the heavy lifting.

If anyone is listening to The Lifeguard, he offers Secretary Clinton the following suggestions to solving the Libyan problem.

First, work closely with the French and British to find out Colonel Gaddafi's whereabouts, then kill him, either with assets on the ground or with air strikes. (Maybe the Colonel and one of his sons will be together, and the sniper could get a "Quigley.") Every statement should begin and end with the admonition to Gaddafi, "We are coming to get you."

Second, get some reasonable intelligence about the strength of the rebel forces. It seems that this is all happening in a vacuum, and that the United States doesn't seem to know what is going on in country. This dude, Gaddafi, is bugfuck crazy, and has resorted to terrorism in the past. He has no qualms about bombing his own people, or about terrorising the world. (The Lifeguard was in that disco, in Berlin, just days before it was bombed in April, 1986.)

Finally, protect the oil fields in Libya. While this isn't our primary goal, it is in the top two. Gaddafi has the means (and the desperation) to pull a Saddam, and that is not good for anyone, anywhere in the world. If there is going to be blood shed, we might as well get a few quarts of 10W30 out of it.

In the meantime, The Lifeguard is watching the news reports and monitoring the situation. President Obama is having a late breakfast.

Who Is This Chick? Why Is She Still Here?

The last thing that the Lifeguard remembered on Thursday was going to the bar for a few pints of Guinness.

The next thing The Lifeguard knew, it was Monday and she was asking for breakfast and a ride to the airport.

Whatever.

Happy belated St. Patrick's Day, y'all.

Speedos!

The Lifeguard Prays For Japan.

The morning was somber, as news reports of the massive earthquake poured into The Lifeguard's sanctum sanctorum. The 8.9-magnitude quake rocked the Japanese capital and caused significant damage; but, thankfully, a relatively small death toll. The Japanese stock market fell 1.7 percent, and oil slid below $100.00 a barrel on news of the earthquake.

President Obama was awakened with news of the quake, and offered his support and prayers. The Reverend Jesse Jackson noted that, "This is what happens when power is stripped from the unions."

For the Greenpeace crowd, four of Japan's nuclear reactors were safely shut down; and, survived one of the worst earthquakes since 1900. The government ordered the evacuation of about 3,000 people, as a precautionary measure; but, was working to restore the cooling function of the reactor. Sure, the news reports might be a bit terrifying, given the media's capacity to scare people shitless about nuclear power; but, the fact remains that the epicentre of a massive earthquake caused the plants to be shut down, safely.

In other news, The Lifeguard wonders why, in the name of all that is holy, is Adam Sandler's, Eight Crazy Nights airing...in motherhumping March?!?

How much must it suck to have ugly cousins?

Why in crikey fuck would Barack Hussein Obama (who is still clearly not a Muslim) say that it is easier to be the President of China? Well, duh! Are we to assume that BHO would like to order the shooting of American students in Times Square? Or, keep the working classes down with state control of the media and a reduced flow of information? Or, just sell out America to China, in hopes of getting his second term there?

How long will it take for someone to take some action in Libya? It seems that France and Britain are on the vanguard, with the United States eerily silent. The upside is that there will be many new construction jobs created in the North African nation, as well as a near-certain surge in oil production as Colonel Gadaffi struggles to pay for new construction.

The remake of The Karate Kid sucks.

Murder by Death, however, does not.

Peace, y'all!

Pray for Japan.

Bi-winning!

Vatican Assassin Warlocks!

Witches and warlocks united to save Charlie Sheen from himself, casting spells intended to turn his life around and save him from "...bangin' seven gram rocks..." and porn stars.

The Lifeguard had hoped for something a little more sinister, like voodoo dolls and animal sacrifices. (The Lifeguard assumes that these are good witches and warlocks?) And, if there are any virgins who are afraid of falling victim to some sort of crazed human sacrifice, please feel free to ring The Lifeguard.

Converting virgins is just another way that The Lifeguard saves.

Boom!

Speedos

Bastards!

Yesterday, The Lifeguard was watching the end of the awful Miley Cyrus vehicle, The Last Song. Like watching a thirty car pileup, September 11th footage, or any interview with Charlie Sheen, The Lifeguard kept watching, wondering if Greg Kinnear really did die, just to get away from the wooden and talentless Ms. Cyrus. Indeed, if she weren't kinda hot (and worth a bazillion dollars), she wouldn't have anything going for her. (Well, she does have a pretty good voice...and great legs.) If this crap graces your TV screen, change the channel...or gouge out your eyes.

Another great film, Daylight, was on recently. The Lifeguard wonders why, in the interest of appeasing the part of the world that hates us, the World Trade Center's twin towers weren't digitally removed from the film's ending scenes. Seriously, The Lifeguard still gets pissed whenever he sees a picture of the New York skyline.

Indeed, had The Lifeguard been the mayor of New York City, (almost) the exact same towers would have been rebuilt with all due dispatch. Except, they'd have been taller, stronger, and more visible as a sign of America's might (and New York City's resilience).

Any Stallone film, with the possible exceptions of Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, is worth watching; and, if the Rocky series is playing, give The Lifeguard a 30-rack and a bag of White Castle cheeseburgers.

Finally, why, in the name of all that is holy, does everyone from Buenos Aires (in the movie, Starship Troopers) look Anglo?

HFWTFMF?!?

The Lifeguard was looking to see who was looking at the site.

He noticed a first for the blog. Even more surprising than the number of readers in the Islamic Republic of Iran, imagine The Lifeguard's shock when he learned that there is a reader at The Vatican. Below is a link to the entry page.

http://jurypoollifeguard.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

Does this mean that The Lifeguard is going to heaven?

No, probably not.

Pleasantly surprised.

Coal Free Future Tour

Last week, The Lifeguard was strolling around The Hub and he saw M/Y Arctic Sunrise, a Greenpeace icebreaker, moored at Rowe's Wharf. After scanning the horizon for French warships, The Lifeguard made his way down the quay for a quick look around.

Attired in jacket and tie, and a bespoke cashmere overcoat, The Lifeguard expected fully to be escorted away by the Greenpeace volunteers manning their posts at the gangway. Instead, The Lifeguard was enticed with a free tour of the vessel, along with two other visitors.

The Greenpeace volunteer said, "Just fill out this form, so we know who has visited. Would you be interested in signing a petition to encourage Governor Deval Patrick (D-MA) to close the Salem (Massachusetts) Power Plant?"

There were no high pressure sales pitches, no outrageous pronouncements. There was, instead, reasonable dialogue about the need for reliable and clean energy.

After a brief conversation, in which we discussed clean alternatives to coal (wind, solar, and slave labour), the Greenpeace position on the Cape Wind project (Greenpeace has been an outspoken supporter of the wind farm on Nantucket Sound), and nuclear power (in spite of nuclear power's stellar safety record--fewer deaths attributed to nuclear than the number that die each year because of coal-fired plants), The Lifeguard was piped aboard M/Y Arctic Sunrise.

A stroll to the bow was without incident, and the tour guide, a Greenpeace volunteer, was relatively knowledgeable about the workings of the vessel. She even managed, without pause, to identify "bow" and "stern"; "port" and "starboard." Interestingly, the hawsers holding the ship did not have rat guards. (Boston is known for its rat population, so perhaps they figured that a few additions, either way, would be all right.)

Next, we mounted the ladder to the bridge, where we were entertained by the second mate, a pleasant Australian woman who has been with Greenpeace for about eighteen months. She demonstrated the steering gear, as well as other features such as manoeuvring thrusters (bow and stern), and the tower, from which a lookout could watch for ice, whales, or French warships. She also talked about how the 50m vessel performed at sea, noting that since it was an icebreaker, it "...was like a bathtub in heavy seas."

Finally, we strolled to the stern to see the helipad, as well as the mechanism for launching and recovering the RIBs (Rigid Inflatable Boats).

After a short film outlining Greenpeace activities, and a brief question and answer session, The Lifeguard left the vessel, and made his way to the nearest bar for a dirty martini and a chat with a few friends.

So, gentle reader, you are probably wondering, "Where's the joke?"

Well, there isn't one.

While The Lifeguard doesn't share the views of Greenpeace, he is a sailor. The opportunity to crawl around a working icebreaker was cool, and The Lifeguard was pleasantly surprised at the lack of crazies, kooks, or hairy women. In fact, to a man (or, woman), the crew and volunteers were actually pretty knowledgeable, very interesting, and incredibly devoted to their cause. For this, The Lifeguard applauds their work, and wishes the captain and crew of M/Y Arctic Sunrise a safe passage.

[Photograph courtesy of The Lifeguard.]

Here you go...

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been watching the news with great fascination. This is truly an amazing time to be alive, and it is easy to miss the high-speed changes going on in the world. Thankfully, The Lifeguard is on duty. Fortunately, The Lifeguard saves. (Sort of like Jesus, without the beard, the disciples, the miracles, and the angry mob calling for his head. Well, maybe without the first three.)

Wisconsin, the Midwest state with the highest per-pupil spending ($10,791.00 per pupil), is facing a budget crisis that has galvanized the country. Governor Walker (R-WI) has indicated that teachers need to contribute to their medical insurance and retirement. Their union has objected. Governor Walker has suggested that the teachers lose their right to collectively bargain. The union has gone positively batshit. Teachers have staged a strike, of sorts, and have gathered at the capitol to protest. Democrat legislators, whose job it is to legislate, have staged their own strike by leaving the state.

And, while it may seem like a good idea to close down the government (because it keeps them from spending money), it short circuits the democratic process. Indeed, the teachers may have shot themselves in their collective foot by drawing attention to their salaries, their benefits, and their job performance. Fully two-thirds of Wisconsin's eighth graders are not proficient readers.

Indeed, this is not only a Wisconsin issue. Across the nation, teachers are failing to teach children to read, while the federal government continues to funnel money to failing schools. (In FY 2008, the federal government gave $670 million to the State of Wisconsin for school funding.)

If education were truly important, and students were learning, this would be considered a solid investment in America's future. Instead, it seems to be another example of the profligate waste that plagues American government.

Rather than spending money of anti-bullying programmes and multicultural education, money should be spent on helping teachers do their jobs better. If this means firing non-performing teachers, then fire them. If this means getting rid of top-heavy administrations, then trim those jobs. Spending on education is at an all-time high, and the problem is not getting better. Indeed, it seems that the problem is not with the amount of money being spent, but how it is being used by the states.

The Lifeguard has made numerous pronouncements in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. Teachers should be encouraged to teach fundamental skills, in whatever way works for their students. They shouldn't be evaluated by ill-trained or over-worked minions; but, rather, should be evaluated by outside teams of professionals. A twenty-year teacher, with stellar performance should not be graded by an individual without the same level of training and experience. A teacher should not be granted tenure just because they have stayed out of trouble for three years. Tenure should mean something more than it does now.

Professionals, with an aptitude for education should be welcomed into the ranks of teachers, regardless of whether they have taken college education courses, or passed a certification exam. A chemical engineer who wishes to teach high school chemistry, for instance, should be permitted to teach without having to go back to college. The Lifeguard recalls an uncle who taught high school maths after an illustrious career in the Air Force, without having to return to college for education classes.

Finally, the education establishment needs to look at new ways of providing their unique service, whether it is through same-sex academies, charter schools, or on-line education. There is no reason that, for $180,000 per class, schools can't deliver a quality product for all of their clients.

They didn't ask me...

How To End The Threat of High Seas Piracy

The Lifeguard has previously commented on the need to take a stand against hostis humani generis. High seas piracy threatens the world order (as merchant vessels are the targets of these vermin), and simply must be stopped in order to preserve the credibility of seafaring nations.

Not only do the pirates--mostly Somali--operate with impunity, there is no disadvantage to surrender. Indeed, being brought to a First World nation to stand trial is a decided improvement on the lives of these men and women. Add to the equation the short sentences meted out by the courts, capture and incarceration is an acceptable risk to the pirates. Even the recent 33 year sentence imposed by a US Court is merely a slap on the wrist for people who have no running water, no electricity, and no cable TV.

And, while it is true that the recent murder of four Americans is an anomaly in the business of high seas piracy, it is the harbinger of things to come. Sadly, four innocent lives were lost as a consequence of a failure of the nations to act decisively among acts of terrorism in the Gulf of Aden and the Indian Ocean.

True, warnings have been given, both by pirates and the United States, relative to the dangers of sailing in these waters. However, if there is to be communion among nations, there must be an assurance of safe passage for all mariners.

Certainly, the presence of the twenty-four hour media makes such action difficult. Bombing villages and sinking pirate vessels yields collateral damage, which most countries (including the Chinese) are unwilling to accept. Sending soldiers is unpalatable, since it will likely lead to lengthy involvement by the invaders, along with other monetary and public relations costs. And, yet, something must be done, with all due dispatch.

First, the remaining pirates that seized S/V Quest must not be brought to the United States to stand trial. Instead, a military tribunal must be convened at sea, and the pirates hanged.

Second, any vessel suspected of being operated by pirates must be destroyed. The United States (and the navies of other countries operating in the region) must cooperate to sink (or permanently disable) these boats. While there is a risk of sinking a fishing vessel or coaster, the likelihood is small. Vessels engaged in legitimate commerce do not run when ordered to stop and be boarded. Those that do run should be sunk. (Any survivors can be interrogated and tried at sea.)

Finally, small teams of special operators should be tasked with attacking land-based hideouts; and, given impunity to drain the figurative swamp. The Lifeguard imagines that in short order, the instances of piracy will decrease significantly.

As for the pirate shown above, The Lifeguard intends a lengthy period of interrogation involving restraints and other "tools." And while it is true that this could be construed as "torture," The Lifeguard believes it is necessary.

Silvio!

Women Protesting Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga Parties.

But, only because Prime Minister Berlusconi wouldn't invite any of them to the parties. (And, he sure as shit wouldn't fuck them.)

Prime Minister Berlusconi, a conservative media mogul, is the bane of the leftists in Italy, who have vowed to remove him at all costs, including investigating his private life. Indeed, the deck appears to be stacked against Berlusconi, who has been committed to stand trial on April 6, 2011. Not only is Berlusconi facing a panel of female judges, he is facing a panel of left-leaning female judges.

There is only one thing to do in this situation, Mr. Prime Minister.

"Toga!" (Or, Bunga Bunga.)

Oh, and might The Lifeguard suggest the names of three women for the guest list?

VD!

The Lifeguard Hates Hallmark!

It's Valentine's Day, once more. The biggest crock of shit of a made up holiday...ever. The day when single people cry, and those in relationships cry harder.

It's all about expectations, which can never be met.

Either the card is not the right one ("But, you only paid $1.99 for this one. You bought me a $3.99 card when we first started dating."); or, the dozen red roses weren't long-stemmed enough. The diamond earrings are too small ("But, look at them. They'll go right through the holes in my ears."); or, the weather in the US Virgin Islands was shitty. It's never enough.

And, for The Lifeguard, it is the day that relationships end.

On no fewer than two occasions, The Lifeguard has been dumped--spectacularly--on Valentine's Day. (Not that being the dumpee made the day bad; it just made it emotionally taxing.)

Recently, The Lifeguard was reminiscing about one of these days.

Roses, champagne, and a fantastic meal were supposed to be the prelude to a night of enviable romance and, yes, hot cupid sex. Instead, the dumper--who shall remain nameless--told The Lifeguard, "It's over. Now, can you please take me home. I actually have a date at 10:00.") The Lifeguard was nonplussed, because things had been going so well. (Or, so he thought.) We seemed compatible. She was smart and sexy. The Lifeguard was, well, The Lifeguard.

We finished dinner, in relative silence; and, The Lifeguard paid the bill and carted the dumper home (with her roses in hand) so that she could get ready for her real date. Oh, sure, The Lifeguard thought about leaving her sorry ass at the table, with the bill and the roses; but, that is not how The Lifeguard rolls. Oh, no.

Instead, the ride to her place was spent, wondering, all the while, why she didn't tell The Lifeguard beforehand that she had found someone else. Wondering why she felt that my wallet was seriously in need of losing a couple of hundred bucks. Wondering what special place in hell awaited this amazing woman.

So, with ego crushed and wallet lighter, The Lifeguard walked her to the door and ran to his car.

The drive to the nearest bar was short, and soon, The Lifeguard was mingling with couples, all enjoying their night of love and romance. The Lifeguard wanted nothing more than to have a drink, to drown his sorrows in a booze-fueled night of self-pity and lament.

The crowd closed in around The Lifeguard as he moved through the crowd.

"Don't be an asshole," she said as The Lifeguard elbowed his way to the bar.

"Hey, sweetheart, The Lifeguard just got dumped."

And, to the barman, "Jaegermeister, please. And one for the young lady, who is clearly in need of an attitude adjustment, a shot, and a good rogering."

"I'm waiting for my boyfriend," she said. "My boyfriend is amazing," she proclaimed. "My boyfriend will be here in an hour," she mentioned. "Well, one shot won't hurt," she purred.

Three Jaegers later, The Lifeguard was driving the chippy back to her dorm, not contemplating that she was leaving her boyfriend waiting for her at the bar.

And, at 3:00am, when her roommate arrived, she was begging The Lifeguard to stay. "My roommate won't care."

At 7:00am, she was pleading, "Don't stop."

The Lifeguard, however, had an appointment...and, a fantastic Valentine's Day, after all.

And, so should you.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

HFWTFMF?!?

She Died For The American Dream

The Lifeguard is not really sure where the tragedy lies in the story of Claudia Aderotimi, an English woman who traveled to the United States for ass implants.

Is the tragedy that Aderotimi was willing to let someone inject silicone into her ass so that she could get more action in the world of rap videos? Is it that she had the work done at a Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia airport? Is it that she had the work done previously? Or, is it that more than one person has died from this procedure?

Seriously, who in the crikey fuck lets some unlicenced shitweasel they found online get near their ass with a tube of silicone and a spatula? Who gives that person $1,800.00 to complete the work? Why is The Lifeguard asking this question?

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard is an ass man. (When he walks down the street, people scream, "Hey, you're an ass, man!") But, The Lifeguard does not want a woman with a tube of Dow Corning's finest shoved up her ass. (Or, injected, for that matter.) And, frankly, if there are women out there who seek a big ass, The Lifeguard can help them out for far less money than Aderotimi paid. Similarly, The Lifeguard is prepared to help out the women who seek a firm, tight ass.

Oh, sure. It'll take time. It'll take money. But, The Lifeguard gets results.

It's all good.

Something New?

When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.

Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.

And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...

Speedos!

Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.

For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.

Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)

Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.

The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.

Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?

There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about snow...in January.

The Lifeguard needs a martini.

Goodnight, y'all.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, uphill...in both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather the...well...weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

Bollocks!

The Lifeguard Needed Help With Something

While watching prime time television last night, The Lifeguard saw a PSA that discussed the importance of self-examination to check for lumps in the testicles. Indeed, testicular cancer can be a killer, if not caught early. At the very least, it can lead to becoming a one-balled freak. At the very best, it can be cured (and one can win the Tour de France...seven times).

So, this morning, The Lifeguard started the initial examination, which took only about an hour. Then, he started on the second testicle when this young woman stopped by the house, looking for directions. Fortunately, she had a hard hat, and was appropriately attired to assist with The Lifeguard's examination (although the gloves were a bit rough).

All kidding aside, The Lifeguard recommends that everyone participate in an effort to eradicate the scourge of testicular cancer.

Check yourself regularly--or get some help from a friend.

And, if you have any questions, don't call The Lifeguard.

Problem Solved!

Although There Wasn't A Hell Of A Lot Of Sleeping

At about ten thirty last night, The Lifeguard received an urgent telephone call from Nurse Dagmar, formerly of Lufthansa, now of the local hospital.

Apparently, there were some abnormalities in The Lifeguard's physical exam, and he was required to present, immediately, at The Four Seasons for a thorough evaluation of The Lifeguard's medical concerns. (Unlike Lance Armstrong, there is no risk of the media learning about The Lifeguard's use of performance enhancing drugs.)

Following something like twelve hours of intensive testing, as well as frequent hydration (with a crate of Pol Roger), The Lifeguard stumbled into the chill January morning with a better understanding of his insomnia, as well as a solution to the twin problems of colo-rectal cancer and airport security.

All passengers will be required to fast for at least twenty four hours before flying, and to report to the airport at least six hours before their flight. The passengers will strip down to their underwear, and will don a hospital johnny before the pre-flight security screening and colonoscopy. As travel sucks already, this seemingly onerous burden will reduce to zero the likelihood of some crazed adherent of the Religion of Peace sneaking a shoe, underwear, or asshole bomb onto the flight; and, it will ensure the health (and regularity) of the traveling public.

Nothing says "refreshing" like a diet of clear liquids and a high colonic.

Nothing says "safety" like passengers who have had every cavity examined before flying.

And, for absolute peace of mind, the frequent colonoscopies will provide a baseline of the colons of every traveler, and will do it without the increased risk of cancer which has been linked to the full body scanners now being deployed at airports around the world.

Indeed, this new policy would be no less inconvenient than the grief endured by The Lifeguard as he traveled through Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.

Travel Sucks Already Agent: "Please (and The Lifeguard is not making this up) remove your shoes, your belt, take off your watch, empty your pockets, take off your coats, and any other metal items and place them in the bin."

The Lifeguard: [Stage Whisper] "The only thing in my pocket is lint."

TSA Agent: "Take that out, too. Seriously. Otherwise, you will be subjected to a pat-down by Karl."

[Karl smiles, waves.]

The Lifeguard: "If I get patted down, I probably won't even get a drink out of it."

[Karl licks his lips, smiles.]

Fortunately, The Lifeguard was cleared to travel, without the need for a pat down. (The Lifeguard, however, did feel a little like Karen Silkwood.)

The Lifeguard suggests that this will be the silver bullet, ensuring safe travel, and safer colons.

Until his dream becomes a reality, The Lifeguard is due for further testing with Nurse Dagmar and six of her colleagues.