Monday, February 14, 2011


The Lifeguard Hates Hallmark!
It's Valentine's Day, once more. The biggest crock of shit of a made up holiday...ever. The day when single people cry, and those in relationships cry harder.

It's all about expectations, which can never be met.

Either the card is not the right one ("But, you only paid $1.99 for this one. You bought me a $3.99 card when we first started dating."); or, the dozen red roses weren't long-stemmed enough. The diamond earrings are too small ("But, look at them. They'll go right through the holes in my ears."); or, the weather in the US Virgin Islands was shitty. It's never enough.

And, for The Lifeguard, it is the day that relationships end.

On no fewer than two occasions, The Lifeguard has been dumped--spectacularly--on Valentine's Day. (Not that being the dumpee made the day bad; it just made it emotionally taxing.)

Recently, The Lifeguard was reminiscing about one of these days.

Roses, champagne, and a fantastic meal were supposed to be the prelude to a night of enviable romance and, yes, hot cupid sex. Instead, the dumper--who shall remain nameless--told The Lifeguard, "It's over. Now, can you please take me home. I actually have a date at 10:00.") The Lifeguard was nonplussed, because things had been going so well. (Or, so he thought.) We seemed compatible. She was smart and sexy. The Lifeguard was, well, The Lifeguard.

We finished dinner, in relative silence; and, The Lifeguard paid the bill and carted the dumper home (with her roses in hand) so that she could get ready for her real date. Oh, sure, The Lifeguard thought about leaving her sorry ass at the table, with the bill and the roses; but, that is not how The Lifeguard rolls. Oh, no.

Instead, the ride to her place was spent, wondering, all the while, why she didn't tell The Lifeguard beforehand that she had found someone else. Wondering why she felt that my wallet was seriously in need of losing a couple of hundred bucks. Wondering what special place in hell awaited this amazing woman.

So, with ego crushed and wallet lighter, The Lifeguard walked her to the door and ran to his car.

The drive to the nearest bar was short, and soon, The Lifeguard was mingling with couples, all enjoying their night of love and romance. The Lifeguard wanted nothing more than to have a drink, to drown his sorrows in a booze-fueled night of self-pity and lament.

The crowd closed in around The Lifeguard as he moved through the crowd.

"Don't be an asshole," she said as The Lifeguard elbowed his way to the bar.

"Hey, sweetheart, The Lifeguard just got dumped."

And, to the barman, "Jaegermeister, please. And one for the young lady, who is clearly in need of an attitude adjustment, a shot, and a good rogering."

"I'm waiting for my boyfriend," she said. "My boyfriend is amazing," she proclaimed. "My boyfriend will be here in an hour," she mentioned. "Well, one shot won't hurt," she purred.

Three Jaegers later, The Lifeguard was driving the chippy back to her dorm, not contemplating that she was leaving her boyfriend waiting for her at the bar.

And, at 3:00am, when her roommate arrived, she was begging The Lifeguard to stay. "My roommate won't care."

At 7:00am, she was pleading, "Don't stop."

The Lifeguard, however, had an appointment...and, a fantastic Valentine's Day, after all.

And, so should you.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

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