Here you go...

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been watching the news with great fascination. This is truly an amazing time to be alive, and it is easy to miss the high-speed changes going on in the world. Thankfully, The Lifeguard is on duty. Fortunately, The Lifeguard saves. (Sort of like Jesus, without the beard, the disciples, the miracles, and the angry mob calling for his head. Well, maybe without the first three.)

Wisconsin, the Midwest state with the highest per-pupil spending ($10,791.00 per pupil), is facing a budget crisis that has galvanized the country. Governor Walker (R-WI) has indicated that teachers need to contribute to their medical insurance and retirement. Their union has objected. Governor Walker has suggested that the teachers lose their right to collectively bargain. The union has gone positively batshit. Teachers have staged a strike, of sorts, and have gathered at the capitol to protest. Democrat legislators, whose job it is to legislate, have staged their own strike by leaving the state.

And, while it may seem like a good idea to close down the government (because it keeps them from spending money), it short circuits the democratic process. Indeed, the teachers may have shot themselves in their collective foot by drawing attention to their salaries, their benefits, and their job performance. Fully two-thirds of Wisconsin's eighth graders are not proficient readers.

Indeed, this is not only a Wisconsin issue. Across the nation, teachers are failing to teach children to read, while the federal government continues to funnel money to failing schools. (In FY 2008, the federal government gave $670 million to the State of Wisconsin for school funding.)

If education were truly important, and students were learning, this would be considered a solid investment in America's future. Instead, it seems to be another example of the profligate waste that plagues American government.

Rather than spending money of anti-bullying programmes and multicultural education, money should be spent on helping teachers do their jobs better. If this means firing non-performing teachers, then fire them. If this means getting rid of top-heavy administrations, then trim those jobs. Spending on education is at an all-time high, and the problem is not getting better. Indeed, it seems that the problem is not with the amount of money being spent, but how it is being used by the states.

The Lifeguard has made numerous pronouncements in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. Teachers should be encouraged to teach fundamental skills, in whatever way works for their students. They shouldn't be evaluated by ill-trained or over-worked minions; but, rather, should be evaluated by outside teams of professionals. A twenty-year teacher, with stellar performance should not be graded by an individual without the same level of training and experience. A teacher should not be granted tenure just because they have stayed out of trouble for three years. Tenure should mean something more than it does now.

Professionals, with an aptitude for education should be welcomed into the ranks of teachers, regardless of whether they have taken college education courses, or passed a certification exam. A chemical engineer who wishes to teach high school chemistry, for instance, should be permitted to teach without having to go back to college. The Lifeguard recalls an uncle who taught high school maths after an illustrious career in the Air Force, without having to return to college for education classes.

Finally, the education establishment needs to look at new ways of providing their unique service, whether it is through same-sex academies, charter schools, or on-line education. There is no reason that, for $180,000 per class, schools can't deliver a quality product for all of their clients.

It's like rain on your wedding day...

Okay, Maybe It's Not Ironic.

In a time that we are watching the 2010 Vancouver Olympics (where the United States has been winning medals right and left--20, as of this writing) and discussing obesity (among children, adults, and my nephew's dog), The Lifeguard almost fell over when he read about the 240 kilogram (528 pound) Romanian woman who gave birth to a 2.9 kilogram (6.4 pound) baby, by caesarian section.

The woman, Victoria Lacatus, suffers from a glandular problem (I am more inclined to think that the gland in question is her mouth, not her thyroid), which contributed to her morbid obesity.

Apparently, this is a bigger problem than either The Lifeguard or First Lady, Michelle Obama thought. Lacatus, a Romanian, gave birth in a hospital for the obese. That there needs to be a hospital equipped with beds that could support the Brobdingnagian woman is somewhat puzzling to me. After all, one just doesn't wake up and find that they weigh 240 kilos. It takes time. And, the old adage, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" rings true in almost every instance of obesity. (Put another way, the damage isn't done with just one Ding Dong.)

Also puzzling is the fact that her future husband, a man tipping the scales at 70 kilograms (154 pounds) was a) engaged to a woman weighing more than three times as much as he does (maybe she has a great personality?); or, b) that he was able to engage in coitus. In fact, contemplating the sheer mechanics of the latter are enough to make The Lifeguard swear off food and drink for a good long while. Oh, there is also a c). Most men would not be able to perform given the amount of alcohol required to have sex with a 240 kilogram woman.

Now, before you hop on your power chair and come gunning for The Lifeguard, please consider the following observations.

First, I do not like the that obesity is viewed as a disease. Not only does that absolve fat people from responsibility, it creates a new victim class. ("I can't stop eating, I have a disease. And, if you try to make me pay for two airline seats, I'll sue you, because I have a disease.") It is a choice, whether you like it or not. Don't want to be fat? Go for a walk, eat some vegetables, put down the Twinkies.

Second, I think that if childhood obesity is such a problem, then encouraging children to walk (or ride their bicycles) to school is a good place to start, as are recess and physical education. (Anecdotal evidence of this can be found with Number Two, whose school administration does not allow children walking to school without a parent.) Mandatory intramural sports, walks, and calisthenics couldn't hurt, either. After all, the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton and Harrow.

Finally, if you are unhappy with your weight (and doing something about it), then shut the hell up, you.

The Lifeguard has spoken.

Acquitted!

The Lifeguard Saves...
The administration of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) gave the enemies of America an amazing opportunity to show The Great Satan for what militant Islam thinks it is: A brutal, oppressive nation that bullies lesser countries, tortures Muslims, and spreads its own brand of incorrigible malaise and immorality to the far reaches of the world. (You know, stuff like letting women attend school, for example.) Allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in the United States (New York City, even), shows just how idiotic the Hussein...I mean, Obama...Administration is.

The next two years are going to be an absolute clusterfuck as our favourite alleged terrorist--and his court-appointed legal dream team--captures the headlines and manipulates the American judicial system for his own purposes (and for Al Qaeda's recruiting efforts).

If I were his lawyer, I would immediately seek a change of venue. Clearly, KSM can not get an impartial jury in the former shadow of the Twin Towers. And, it is not unreasonable that a Federal Court Judge, in New York City, would grant that motion (for fear of being flipped on appeal). I would seek a more friendly venue, like San Francisco--a long way from the East Coast--or Detroit--where there is a large Arabic population.

Then, I would be seeking to suppress all sorts of admissions and evidence against my client. Clearly, KSM was not read his Miranda rights when he was taken into custody. He was not given access to counsel, and his rights under the Fifth Amendment may have been abridged. Further, his coerced confession came as the result of torture, in violation of the Eighth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States.

Next, I would file discovery requests for all information related to KSM's activities. Of course, knowing that this is all classified information, vital to national security, I would further tie up the Government, forcing them to argue countless motions, while having my minions (and you know there would be minions on my Dream Team) file FOIA requests. There would be more paper in this file than in the Democrats' Health Care Reform Bill.

Additionally, there would be visits to various news organs, who would doubtless love a chance to see just how horrible the Bush Administration's policies were to these poor folks. Indeed, Bill Maher would be champing at the bit to get me on Real Time; and, I can see a series of interviews on CNN, MSNBC (Olbermann is salivating), and the rest of the liberal media.

This would certainly soak up some serious time--and some serious coin. The judge will grant every request, every motion, for fear of presiding over the trial that led to the conviction that is tipped on appeal. (But, if The Lifeguard were at the helm, there would be no need for an appeal.)

Next, The Lifeguard gets ready for trial.