Friday, January 21, 2011

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

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