Speedos!

She Should Have Had An Aborsh

The Lifeguard's legs have been tired lately.  But, only because he's been kicking so much ass.      So, in the interest of a better, more perfect America, The Lifeguard thought it was about time for another installment of the most anticipated column in the free world.  (In Islamic theocracies, The Lifeguard's most popular work comes from his ability to find pictures of kissing lesbians, but that's another story for another time.)

• Massachusetts senatorial candidate (and Harvard Law professor), Elizabeth Warren recognised The Lifeguard's...um...endowment after she ran into him at the health club.  (In defence of The Lifeguard, he had just gotten out of a very cold swimming pool.)  She noted, to Timothy Geithner, "The Lifeguard's endowment reminds me of Harvard's.  Huge."
• Professor Warren is the self-proclaimed "Mother of the Occupy Movement."  The Lifeguard is thinking that, maybe, she should have gone down to the clinic and had an aborsh.  Seriously?  That's sort of like Marie Antoinette taking credit for the French Revolution.  Not smart.  Not true.
• Does she know who the father is?  Does he pay child support?  
• Newt is getting out of the race for the Republican nomination.  He said, "I'll see you next Tuesday."  Maybe he should see if he could get a $350,000.00 a year teaching gig at Harvard (like Elizabeth Warren), then he could get a no-interest loan of the $4 million that he needs to retire his campaign debt.
• Rick Santorum lost Pennsylvania...again...last Tuesday.  To Mitt Romney.  True, Santorum was out of the hunt; but, if he were truly viable, he'd have won.  (Sort of like voting for the dead guy.)
• $11 billion to save the USPS?  Why?  It's a paragon of inefficiency, a breeding ground for waste.  The only thing that differentiates the postal service from the GSA is that the postal service delivers the mail.  Sometimes.
• Maybe the GSA could buy the USPS $11 billion worth of Chevy Volts.  (Recharged by electricity generated by wind power.)  Of course, the workers' compensation claims from burned postal workers could be a further drain on the system, so maybe not.
• Maybe Elizabeth Warren didn't need an aborsh for the child that is now the Occupy Movement.  Maybe she should have just used contraception.  
• Kids are getting sick from drinking hand sanitiser to get drunk.  What's next?  Sterno?  Maybe, just maybe, it's time to drop the drinking age from the ridiculous 21 to a more reasonable 18.
• Seven-time Cy Young Award winner, Roger Clemens goes to trial on a charge of lying to the U.S. Congress about the alleged use of performance-enhancing substances.  When will Congress be brought to trial for lying to us?  [Ed. Note:  This is a rhetorical question, for those of you with no sense of humour.]
• It's a good thing that ObamaCare provides free contraception.  We are all going to get fucked if President Obama (who is still not a Muslim) gets re-elected.
• Doesn't the fact that General Electric paid no tax on $14 billion in profit make you wonder why the United States doesn't change it's corporate tax regime?  (The highest in the OECD.)  The Lifeguard supposes that America has to be number one at something.
• President Jimmy Carter has offered praise for Mitt Romney.  Oh, Jesus, we are fucked.

All right, that's enough for now.

The Lifeguard has to go for his morning run.