Tuesday, March 12, 2013

It's That Time of Year

How Many Doctors Does It Take To Examine The Lifeguard?
Exactly the same number as it does to search The Lifeguard at the security checkpoint at the airport.  (Except the TSA drones are less hot and more inept.)

As the team of doctors swarmed over The Lifeguard, he began thinking about the changes that were most certainly coming to American health care thanks to the $1.3 trillion prostate exam that we are about to receive thanks to ObamaCare.  Not only will everyone be shunted into one-size-fits-all plans, there will be copious litigation the very first time someone is denied treatment under their government-funded healthcare.

"You have AIDS and want an organ transplant?  Sure.  We can do that.  Just don't sue us."

"You are 75 years old and want a hip replacement?  Fuck you!  Wait!  You have a lawyer?  Sure.  We can do that."

Has anyone factored the additional costs of ObamaCare into the equation?  $20,000.00 per family?  The only reason that is "saving" The Lifeguard money is that The Lifeguard already pays $22,000.00 per year for shitty insurance, so of course The Lifeguard will dance a jig at the prospect of saving $2,000.00 on insurance.  (Of course, that two grand will just cover the tax increase that he swallowed thanks to the Preezy of the Heezy.)

But, The Lifeguard digresses....

The all-female medical team went to work, lighting candles, opening the wine, and setting the mood with some soft jazz.

"Strip down to your underwear and put on the hospital johnny," the first doctor asked.

"The Lifeguard doesn't wear underwear," The Lifeguard said, peeling away his blue jeans and T-shirt.

The doctors gasped at the magnificence of The Lifeguard's equipment, and immediately began casting lots for the opportunity to conduct the examination.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard is magnanimous, telling his medical team to be patient.

"How do you like your prostate exam?" she asked.  "Do you prefer to lay down, or to bend over?"  She put on her glove, warmed the lube, and began the rather intimate (but thorough) examination.  

And, two hours later, The Lifeguard was confident that his prostate is healthy, since four very meticulous doctors can't be wrong.

"Do you mind if I check your testicles for cancer?" she asked.

"Well, you are the doctor.  If you must," The Lifeguard responded.

Again, no abnormalities, as the four ladies were pretty thorough.

Then, came the inevitable questions about...well...you know.

"Blah, blah, eleven times a day, blah, blah, blah."

(The Lifeguard notes that after his extensive work with Nurse Dagmar and Nurse Midori, he is waaay more comfortable with these questions.)

And, all things being equal, the two-day exam (with breaks for Champagne, snacks, and showers) was pretty painless.  

(Well, there are at least two doctors who are walking funny, but that's their issue, not The Lifeguard's.)

Coming soon:  Speedos!


Rachel Matteson said...

Well, this is rather a very funny blog. I really enjoyed reading it. You can expect lifeguards to be that healthy though because they have regular check-ups which they need for their work. :)
- LifeGuardStoreUSA.com

Tommie Kovich said...

Very honest post. Great reading this.