Friday, March 22, 2013


Peace In Our Time
Y'all have been waiting for the Post-Papal edition of Speedos

  • The Preezy of the Heezy finally got around to visiting Israel.  (Apparently, he's been way too busy the last four and a half years.)  In a speech that would have made Neville Chamberlain proud, President Obama urged Israel to "compromise" with the people who want to drive them off of their lands and into the sea.  Fortunately, his inroads to the Arab world have boosted America's standing in the Middle East.  (To about where it was in the Carter Administration.)
  • Why is it that the Palestinians honor Yasser Arafat?  He stole billions from them.  He kept them from meaningful reforms that could have led to a peaceful solution with Israel.  He was a religion-baiting charlatan.  In the United States, we would never revere someone who was a race-baiter, for instance.  
  • The Lifeguard wonders whether Arafat might have gotten a show on MSNBC, were he still alive today.
  • The Long Island Railroad (LIRR) has "Kegel" advertisements in rail cars.  This is offending some; but, The Lifeguard is on board with the campaign.  (The Lifeguard is happy to lend his expertise to any women who want to test the success of their exercise regimen.)
  • The Roman Catholic Church has a new pope, the former Jorge Cardinal Bergoglio, was elected on March 13, 2013.  He selected the name Francis, and has been shaking up the world with his humility, his gentleness, and his fervent faith.  As an alumnus of a Jesuit school, The Lifeguard is proud to see a Jesuit as CEO of the Roman church.
  • The Lifeguard wonders, however, if some members of the College of Cardinals threw a couple of million on Bergoglio, to win, in the fifth.
  • Vice Preezy of the Heezy, Joe Biden took a little trip.  The hotel bill was...gulp...$459,388.65.  Well, what the hell, it's not like there's a financial crisis or anything.
  • Customers at Gregg's, a chain of Rhode Island restaurants, will have to fill out forms if they intend to pay with a hundred dollar bill.  The restaurant is adopting this policy to prevent the use of counterfeit hundreds.  (Note to counterfeiters:  Use counterfeit fifties when dining at Gregg's.)
  • The University of Tennessee was going to sponsor "Sex Week."  The tab for the week-long event?  $20,000.00.  Shit!  The Lifeguard would have done the week for $5,000.00 (and ten kegs of PBR).  Sadly, the UT students won't get to take classes like "Getting Laid" and "How Many Licks Does it Take?"
  • Why do college kids need a week-long course in sex?  What the fuck is going on at UT that kids need classes to learn about sex?
  • Aren't UT students already shelling out $13,000.00 a year to learn about sex?
  • Do you know how you get the UT student off of your front doorstep?  You pay him for the pizza.
  • The US Air Force Academy has canceled their July 4th celebration.  Due to budget cuts related to Sequestration.  What next?  Eliminating uniforms?
  • ObamaCare could lead to health care premiums increasing sharply.  Because that's what ObamaCare was supposed to do.  Seriously, what did people think would happen when insurers are prevented from contemplating health risks, age, and medical histories in setting premiums?  
  • 10-1, tobacco users will still have to pay higher premiums than everyone else.
  • The Lifeguard is so happy that he doesn't have a bank account in Cyprus.
  • Another sign that the US economy is in ruin:  In the past, every time The Lifeguard vacuumed his car, he collected a couple of bucks in change off of the ground around the vacuums.  These days, there is no change on the ground.  You know things are bad when people don't throw out their pennies, nickels, and dimes.
That's it for now.  


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