Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day

It's A Long, Cold Winter
The Lifeguard's Valentine's Day plans were thwarted by a massive snowstorm which dropped as much as three feet of snow over New England.  And, as flights were canceled, The Lifeguard did his part to entertain the crew that was supposed to work his flight.  Unfortunately, the ladies weren't prepared for the winter weather, and The Lifeguard was forced inside.

Now, four days later, the ladies are winging their way south, and The Lifeguard is left behind to cope with the remnants of the storm, the sub-freezing temperatures, and this edition of Speedos!

  • The Preezy of the Heezy is coping with (more) shitty economic news, caused by the impending SEQUESTER, increased payroll taxes, high fuel costs, and higher marginal tax rates by doing the only logical thing.  He's going to play golf.  (And, who can blame him, he's got the cash, the time, and the cool-ass plane.)
  • The press corps is seething over the fact that they have no access while he's on spring break.  Apparently, it's true, no good deed goes unpunished.  (And, by "good deed," The Lifeguard means "years of never asking difficult questions.")
  • A meteor hit Russia on February 15th.  The Russian air defense radars failed to detect its approach.  Maybe this is why President Obama is gutting US missile defenses in Eastern Europe.  After all, if their early-warning radars miss a giant meteor, maybe their missiles will work just as well.
  • The United Nations wants to get involved in tracking objects from space. Sounds reasonable, since the UN has done such a great job keeping peace in Africa.
  • The City of Baltimore, in Maryland, spent $585,000.00 on a consultant, whose task was to find ways for the city to save money.  Note to Baltimore:  The Lifeguard would have done it for $250,000.00.
  • Chicago's police superintendent, Garry McCarthy, blamed the Second Amendment for the violence in Chicago.  This seems reasonable, since all of those murders were caused by law-abiding citizens carrying legal firearms.  Well, weren't they?
  • Garry McCarthy wins The Lifeguard's award for Dumbass of the Week.
  • Danica Patrick made NASCAR history by being the hottest pole-sitter in the history of NASCAR.  (The Lifeguard can't bring himself to call it a sport.)  Speaking of pole-sitting, The Lifeguard has an opportunity for Danica.
  • New York City is planning to round up the mentally ill.  The Lifeguard suggests that they start over in Turtle Bay.  Maybe go to Albany. 
  • Pope Benedict XVI proves his humility by resigning as pope.  If only other people would show such sack.  Kudos to the Holy Father.
  • The Lifeguard promises to resign if ever he is unable to carry out his responsibilities.  
That's all for now, boys and girls.


1 comment:

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