Friday, July 04, 2008

America Runs On Dunkin's?

America Is Screwed!

I have stopped at my neighbourhood Dunkin' Donuts the last three mornings, and ordered my usual: black coffee (or, what Dunkin' Donuts calls coffee), with no sugar.

Unfortunately (for me), Team Brazil FUBARed my order...three days in a row.

Apparently, in Brazil, "black coffee, no sugar" means...something other than black coffee with no sugar.

But, yesterday, I was still at the window, and I checked my order before pulling away from drive-through.

Me: "Hey, Pedro! What does black coffee mean in your country?"

Hector [Looking at me as if he doesn't understand English.]: "Eh?"

Me: "Black coffee. No cream, no sugar, no spit. Just BLACK effing coffee!"

Manager [Hearing me and walking to the window.] "What's the problem?"

Me: "This is not what I ordered."

Manager [Looking at the order screen.]: "Yes, it...oh,, it isn't."

Manager [To Hector]: "Boppity boopity bap. Bappity bippidy boop."

Hector [Handing me my black coffee.]: "Ehsorry, sir, ees black."

Again, I ask the same question: How, in the name of all that is holy, can you screw up a black coffee? Anyone? Anyone?

Will someone please tell me how to order a black coffee in Portuguese.

Oh, and for those of you wondering about what the picture of Rachel Ray (with thanks to FHM) has to do with coffee, please recall that she is the spokeswoman for Dunkin' Donuts. And, she is a visual metaphor (to me) for Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I find her hot and inviting; but, when I get into her (metaphorically speaking), she is just annoyingly unsatisfying. Maybe, a ball gag (which is, again, a metaphor for coffee) would help.


dawne said...

Next time order "cafe preto".

Frankly, I would have given up after the second day, bought a coffee machine and a pound of Starbucks French Roast.

The Lifeguard said...

It happened again. Black coffee, no sugar.

I got a cup of the sweetest, blackest liquid that you have ever seen.

I spit it all over the steering wheel.