Speedos!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...
The Lifeguard was watching two very mediocre teams play volleyball.  There wasn't much skill on the part of the teams, and it was not unlike watching paint dry.  But for the fact that there is rally scoring, the match would have lasted forever.  And The Lifeguard hasn't heard people yelling "free ball" that much since the New York Gay Men's Chorus and The Chippendales played the 2009 Cannibal Convention at the Bellagio.

A trip to K-Mart?  Occasionally, it's necessary, if for no other reason than it's the only store in the shopping plaza.  Where else can one find a collection of freaks and morons?  (Outside of the carnival, of course.)  Not only were the aisles empty, the store smelled vaguely of ass-sweat and body odour, with a hint of popcorn and Icee.  (Sort of like the way the Occupy Wall Street compound smells, but better.)  Even the poor don't want to go into K-Mart...for good reason.  (The Lifeguard needed a full-scale decontamination after his visit.  You know, the kind you get after exposure to radiation or chemicals.)

And, what about McDonald's?  While The Lifeguard usually eschews fast food, he is drawn to McDonald's french fries like Amy Winehouse to a crack pipe.  The only difference is that crack might just be less harmful than the fries.

Presidential contender, Texas Governor Rick Perry had another stellar performance at the last debate.  Not only did he forget one of the central themes of his own campaign, he forgot it for 53 seconds.  Now, The Lifeguard is no fan of The Rickster--who is a lot like The Huckster--but, even The Lifeguard knew the three Departments that should be eliminated.

The movie, The Ides of March, starring George Clooney (as an all-white amalgam of President Barack Hussein Obama and William Jefferson Clinton), is an interesting and engaging view of a presidential campaign.  (A Democrat presidential campaign, natch.)  Was it worth $10.00?  No.  But, The Lifeguard had nothing better to do for two hours.

Is this enough mean-spirited and crass commentary for the night?

The Lifeguard says, "Yes!"

Goodnight, y'all.

Cainiac!
Former Godfather's Pizza CEO--and Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain has been spending the last few days defending himself against charges that he sexually harassed a whole boatload of women.  This begs the question, was The Lifeguard the only one who thought of this?

Beautify Boston

Genius!
In a stroke of absolute genius, the City of Boston, the Hub of the Universe, takes the first positive step in making one of the most beautiful cities in the world even more beautiful.

As of November 1st, all public restrooms in Boston have a strict "No Ugly Women" policy, which has been cleverly disguised as a "No Dogs" mandate.  Of course, accepting that there are attractive women in wheelchairs, they are allowed to use the public facilities.

Furthermore, as the Occupy Boston hysteria continues--and the cold weather arrives--the new policy will likely drive a significant number of the 99% from their digs on Dewey Square.  (Fortunately, Occupy Worcester is willing to accept the ugliest of the wretched refuse--which is no surprise, because Worcester is already a pretty ugly city.)

So, if you are ugly, stay away from Boston.  It's the law.

A Modest Proposal...

OBAMACARE RULES!


President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) continued his push for a takeover of one-sixth of the domestic economy, shouting that he "...will not accept the status quo. Not this time. Not now."

This begs the question: "What's wrong with the status quo?"

Really, except for the fact that there is runaway corruption in Medicare, an over-abundance of defensive medicine, and competition-busting legislation that prevents American consumers from shopping for health-care across the nation, there is nothing wrong with the system.

More proof that The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

The Lifeguard Took A Steam With The Godfather
Now, The Godfather is talking about the experience.

Not in a gay way.  Rather, like a viking.

We're Already Doing This...

It's Called The Border Fence.
In perhaps the greatest show of distaste for the hoi polloi...ever, the government of Rio de Janeiro is building walls around the shantytowns that mar the city's southern districts. The efforts will allow for easier control of drugs and violence within those precincts.

You know, sort of like when the Nazis put the Jews in ghettos to make it easier to control that population.

Kiss and tell...

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel Gives It Away...
The Lifeguard has talent.

It's like (more) rain on your wedding day.

"It's Frickin' Freezing in Here."

The December weather in New England is pretty typical of, well, New England in December. And, The Lifeguard has been hearing the usual complaints from the merry band of freaks and retards who don't grasp the concept of life in a northern town.

In most regions, it gets warm in the spring, hot in the summer, cooler in the fall, and cold in the winter. In some places, there is actually snow, and people are expected to drive in the fluffy white stuff. An elementary knowledge of geology--or, the ability to read a newspaper--should be able to figure out the weather patterns for their area.

Just the other day, a man (from El Salvador) said, "Ees cold here."

"No shit, sunshine," replied The Lifeguard. "But, it's probably warm where you come from."

Well, not if that "where" is Cancun, which had record-low temperatures...and a global warming conference.

HFWTFMF?!?

What Are They Thinking?

The Lifeguard recently took his spawn (and their friends) to the movies. This gave The Lifeguard an opportunity to engage in a little sociology experiment entitled, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?"

Not only did The Lifeguard see a wide range of young tramps, dressed in their streetwalker best; but, it seemed that each and every one of these girls was texting up a storm. In fact, The Lifeguard is quite certain that all of the dialogue amongst friends was by way of text message. Is it any wonder that the youth of America are falling further and further behind the rest of the world.

Indeed, when The Lifeguard receives e-mails, rife with spelling and grammatical errors, along with a diet of "r u still doing this?" the chance of the survival of the human race becomes even more problematic.

For Once...

The Lifeguard Agrees
Nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan believes that the United States screwed the pooch relative to Libya.


With the involvement of NATO (and the United States), a power vacuum has been created in the oil-rich North African country, and we are without a reliable means of salvaging anything good out of the morass.


Sure, Colonel Qaddafi was a murderous dictator; but, there needed to be closure.  His murder, at the hands of a rebel fighter does little to enhance America's standing in this nation.  There was no justice, as in the case of Saddam Hussein (who received a trial before his execution); and, there will certainly be some backlash as the video of his death becomes the latest YouTube sensation.


Even Amnesty International was aghast at the treatment received by Colonel Qaddafi.  (You know things are a mess when The Lifeguard, Louis Farrakhan, and Amnesty International are all on the same page.)  News that Qaddafi was sodomised with a knife demonstrates, with greater clarity, the type of people who will fill the leadership in Libya.


Sure, "God is great"; but, doesn't it make one wonder what kind of god accepts this kind of praise?  Doesn't it make one wonder about a god who's law--Sharia--tolerates mistreatment of women and other religions?


The Lifeguard notes that while Qaddafi was a cruel and vicious despot, he was entitled to the kinds of protections that the Geneva Convention mandates--and which the Coalition forces gave to Saddam Hussein.  (The shooting of Osama bin Laden does not fall in the same category--in the event that you believe that The Lifeguard is being inconsistent--since he was not the recognised head of a government.)


So, as Libya moves from an uneasy stability to what will, no doubt, become a violent civil war, The Lifeguard thanks President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ("We came, we saw, he died.") for creating one more hot spot in a world that is moved by religious fanaticism and hatred for Western values.

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  


So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.


Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.


Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"


Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.


Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.


Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)


Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  


This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)


While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)


There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)


So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Speedos!

Debate This!

Another Republican debate happened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-election season (and zero, the number The Lifeguard has watched).  The chattering skulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner for the Republican nomination.  The polls show The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with the governor with great hair.

This has prompted The Lifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relative merits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination.  (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably only offer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshire primary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need to start paying attention.  (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit what they think?)

So, let’s look at the candidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann:  She’s attractive.  She’s a former tax attorney.  She’s out.  Fifty percent of America’s voters will never vote for a woman (as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t get the nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either President Obama or Representative Bachmann).  Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich:  He’s the smartest guy in the race.  He’d make a great president.  But, he’s Newt.  People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch.  More people will remember his serial marriages, his Contract with America, and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shut down the government during the Clinton Administration.  (Of course, the government shutdown was a net gain for America, since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on our fiscal house.)

Rick Santorum:  Former conservative senator and lawyer.  He is also a bright guy, but he is a loser.  He lost a senate campaign—as an incumbent—and therefore is disqualified.  Plus, senators make shitty presidents. 

Governor Rick Perry:  He has done some great work as the Governor of Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way).  Plus, America is not ready for another former Texas governor.  No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

The Audacity of the Dope...

No Wonder She Shops At Target
If The Lifeguard had charged the American people over $425,000.00 (for airfare) to travel to Africa, he'd shop at Target too.  (Actually, The Lifeguard wouldn't shop at Target.  Instead, he'd purchase his safari-wear at Orvis or Cabela's.)


Not only did the First Lady--who has incredibly toned arms--take her mother, a niece and nephew, and her two daughters (who were listed on the flight manifest as "senior staff") on this Dark Continent boondoggle, she managed to take in a safari and meet Nelson Mandela, too.   All at a time when the US economy is struggling and millions remain unemployed (or underemployed).  At the very least, she could have flown commercial, chartered a jet, or simply stayed at home.


The Lifeguard reckons that the guilt of having given the American people the finger may have evoked some guilt in the First Lady, thus prompting her to shop at Target.

Here we go again...

Isn't It Ironic Redux Redux
Anna Kournikova is the host of The Biggest Loser.

HFWTFMF?!?

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
We have, as a society, gone absolutely bugfuck crazy.  Not only have women (and men) gone off the deep end in their quest to be beautiful, they have taken to do-it-yourself plastic surgery.  Recently, a woman died from injecting beef fat into her face, proving once more that truth is stranger than fiction.


The woman, a 63 year old hausfrau, had done the procedure previously, without incident.  (Well, her dogs did love to lick her face, but that is a completely different story.)  In fact, her age was more than likely the only reason that she is not a Darwin Awards nominee.  The fact that this woman has passed on her DNA is frightening, and there is no doubt in The Lifeguard's mind that her spawn will, one day, be on some sort of disability, living on the backs of the hard working men and women of America.  


There is also some lawyer, salivating, at the chance to sue America's pharmaceutical and cattle industries for producing such dangerous products as syringes and cows.  (Also a completely different story.)


The Lifeguard has no doubt that some day, Obamacare--in one of its later evolutions--will cover collagen and BoTox injections for all.

HFWTFMF?!?

Irony Redux.
It's ironic that Magic Johnson gets AIDS, and Magic Dick does not.

Never Forget

Remember the 2,977 Victims...

Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

HFWTFMF?!?

Putting the "Tonk" in Honky Tonk...

The Lifeguard recently took a trip to that beachfront paradise, Old Orchard Beach, Maine. (The pier appears above.) A mere 60 minutes from Boston, and a place where the shot, the stabbed, the pierced and tattooed can take the sun and enjoy the surf without fear of being judged by anyone other than The Lifeguard.

A brief stroll past the shops on the main street revealed tattoo parlours, piercing pagodas, and fried dough purveyors. (Remember, one must be 18 to be pierced or tattooed. However, The Lifeguard's observations revealed that a lot of people--especially young girls--have fake IDs, or boyfriends who have tattoo guns.) Indeed, there is nothing sexier than a pimple-faced teenager with stretch marks, belly scars, navel jewelry and a tramp stamp. In fact, The Lifeguard had to brace himself as he got nearer to hell (or, closer to the beach).

Upon reaching the sand, The Lifeguard encountered the cream of the crop.

There she was. A vision of beauty. A testament to years of tanning, without sun block. Her skin, like deeply tanned leather. A sun hat, hanging playfully on her cane, which was near her beach chair. I tried to turn away, but couldn't, drawn to the portable oxygen kit and the tattoos adorning her belly. Tipping the scales at a svelte 100 kilos, she was a goddess, smoking a generic cigarette and scanning the beach for men (or food).

There were pasty Canadians, speaking French and wearing Riviera Dink Suits. There were 30 year old women, trailed by a Benetton-ad's worth of kids. There were barely-legal girls, showing off their bodies, fully aware that they are built for sex. It was a frightening milieu, and The Lifeguard, after dipping his toes in the chilly Atlantic, retreated to his car.

Then, needing therapy, a drink and a tetanus shot, The Lifeguard left OOB. For good.

Happy Birthday, America!

You don't look a day over 200.