Today, y’all get a special, July 4^th edition of Speedos!

(Well, The Lifeguard doesn’t know if it’s really special; but, it is July 4^th.)

• Happy Birthday, America.  Where else but America could The Lifeguard post such a magnificent blog without being thrown in jail?  (The Lifeguard is sure that there are such places; but, he’s also pretty sure that he doesn’t want to live in them.)  As a birthday exercise, The Lifeguard suggests that everyone take a look at the Bill of Rights.
• When you do read the Bill of Rights, pay special attention to the sections discussing abortion, universal health care, and a right to privacy.
• In China, a group of six ethnic Uighurs (or, do they like to be called Uighroes?) tried to hijack an internal flight.  The passengers beat two of the six to death, proving once more that China is a bad place to hijack a plane.  (And, that while all Muslims are not hijackers, you can be pretty damn sure that your hijackers are Muslims.)
• A Uighur spokesman claimed it was just a “seating dispute.”  (While The Lifeguard has wanted to beat some of his fellow passengers to death, he has always shown restraint.)  Were the Uighroes told to sit in the back of the plane?  Were they not given peanuts?  Too much fondling by the Chinese TSA?
• The Lifeguard was at the bank and overheard one of the tellers on the phone.  “Watch out for him,” she said.  “He’s a chronological liar.” 
• The Lifeguard toured several ships visiting for Navy Week 2012.  (This year’s visit is especially significant, in that it marks the bicentennial of the War of 1812, which was America’s second War of Independence.)  Special thanks to the crews of the USCGC Eagle, HNoMS Thor Heyerdahl, and HDMS Esbern Snare. 
• In case anyone from the Coast Guard is reading this, USCGC Eagle (formerly SNF Horst Wessel) was a “spoil of war” from World War II.  She was named for Horst Wessel, a Nazi martyr, and was originally used to train Kriegsmarine sailors.  (You’d think the USCGA cadets giving the tours would know that shit.)
• The Lifeguard is getting tired of listening to the Right bash Chief Justice John Roberts.  (The Lifeguard doesn’t agree with the Chief Justice’s opinion, but understands his thought process.)  If it’s not the Left, it’s the Right.  (And, it’s much more tiresome when the person doing the bashing has neither read nor understood the decision.)
• Given the gift of a decision painting the Affordable Care Act as a giant tax increase, Governor Mitt Romney’s guy, Eric Fehrnstrom fucks it up by saying that Romney agrees that it’s a fee, not a tax.  First, it’s Etch-A-Sketches, now this.  The Lifeguard is beginning to think that he could fuck up a wet dream.  (Or, that he’s on the Obama payroll.)
• Speaking of the ObamaCare “tax” on so-called “free riders,” what penalty or fee is imposed upon illegal immigrants who seek medical care (read obstetric services for their anchor babies) in our hospitals?  Are they going to pay a fee for being free riders?  (Or, is our fee meant to pay for their free ride?)
• When Nancy Pelosi (D-Fuckwit) talks about the evil "free riders," does she also mean illegal immigrants, who drive up health care (and other) costs?  The Lifeguard is guessing...no.
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who thinks that Nancy Pelosi and Bruce Jenner look alike?
• The Lifeguard can fix health care in about 20 minutes.  In about 20 pages.  If only someone would ask. 
• If fireworks and handguns are illegal in Massachusetts, how come so many people are shooting off both?

On that note, The Lifeguard is off to visit his new friend from the Danish Navy.  (As these are naval operations, The Lifeguard expects it to get very wet.)