Have You Ever Noticed That Most Of The Women Who Are Most In Favor Of Abortion Are The Ones No One Wants To Screw?

SCOTUS hears the Hobby Lobby case.  (Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc.)  Justice Sotomayor has to keep correcting herself about whether the penalty is a tax.  So does Justice Kagan.  

The world waits and wonders.  

A decision is expected this summer.  

Speedos!

March Madness!

• Clive Goodman, the former News of the World royals editor testified that the late Princess Diana gave him the Green Book (a directory of numbers) so that she could show that Prince Charles' staff was much bigger than hers.  (The Lifeguard knows something about a large staff.)  Apparently, the princess was looking for an ally in her battle against her ex-husband, and used the power of the press (and her position as a media darling) to keep herself in the spotlight.  Sort of like a Kardashian, except without the giant ass and the stupid reality show.
• If only Bravo had gotten to Princess Diana, she might still be alive.  (Although, the high-speed chase and car crash would have been a real ratings grabber.)
• Secretary of State John F. Kerry, who served in Vietnam, just drew a "red line" on the Russian incursion in Crimea.  As JFK once served in Vietnam, he's a real tough guy, and The Lifeguard is pretty sure that Vladimir Putin is quaking in his boots (in much the same way that the Ayatollah Khomeini was quaking in his boots when then-President James Earl Carter drew his own "red line" back in 1979.
• The Lifeguard wonders whether Putin would be pulling this shit if Obama weren't such a wuss, and JFK such a douchebag.
• The Lifeguard notes that the Russians did learn one lesson from their incursion into Afghanistan.  Wait until after the Olympics to accept the invitation to move troops into another country.
• In Rhode Island, a man with Alzheimer's disease and dementia lived with his dead wife for two days before officials entered the home.  It seems really wrong to use this tragic story as the segue to a joke, but what the hell.
• Two guys are talking and the first one says, "I think my wife is dead."  The second man says, "What makes you think that?"  The first one replies, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink."
• The big news is the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines 777, on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.  Flight MH370 disappeared from radar screens, but telemetry from the engines indicates that the jetliner continued to fly for another few hours leading some to believe that the airliner was diverted for some nefarious purpose.
• The Lifeguard suggests that Uyghurs--Chinese Muslims--are responsible for the disappearance of the flight, perhaps with the assistance of the flight's pilot and co-pilot. And, The Lifeguard also believes that the jet is intact, ready to be repurposed as a flying bomb.  Indeed, a 777 would make an outstanding delivery system for an explosive device.  And, with the way the plane just disappeared, it's not so unreasonable to assume that it might just reappear just as suddenly.
• A man rescued from a submerged car is suing his rescuers for $500,000.00.  And, it is possible that he is an illegal alien.  Here illegally.  Suing the rescuers.  For saving his life. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?
• Wasn't an ObamaPhone and ObamaCare enough for Roy Ortiz?
• Obviously, Mr. Ortiz's lawyer didn't think so, since he stands to pocket a cool $166,000.00 if he prevails.  Plus a bunch of free press.
• Of course, his lawyer, Ed Ferszt doesn't care that suits like this make the legal profession look like a bunch of money-grubbing whores.

That's enough for now.

Have a great day, y'all!

Speedos!

It's Been A Long Time...

But, The Lifeguard is back with a new and improved edition of Speedos!  The 2014 line, you might say. And, with all of the douchebaggery in the world, a man such as The Lifeguard is needed more than ever.

• In beautiful Los Angeles, California, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an illegal alien, a company has developed the Burrito Box, a burrito vending machine.  Because, it's cheaper and more efficient to have a vending machine distribute burritos than Mexicans.  Yep, the upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens seems like a really good idea.
• With all of the discussions about increasing the minimum wage (to $15.00 an hour) to a much-needed amnesty for illegal aliens, The Lifeguard wishes that someone would have an honest discussion about the two closely-related problems.  An increased minimum wage will, no doubt, lead to more illegal immigration as business owners look for people who can be paid, under-the-table, less than the new, higher, "living wage."
• The Batman movie, starring George Clooney, is awful.
• The Lifeguard has never seen the show, Girls.  He is pretty sure that he doesn't want to see the show's creator and star, Lena Dunham, naked.
• Seriously, do you have any idea what a horrible, horrible movie Batman & Robin is?
• New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio (D-umbass) went to a meet-and-greet on Staten Island. Someone ordered pizza.  Mayor de Blasio ate his with a fork.  What the fork?!?  That's sort of like ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.
• Nearly 92 million Americans are not in the labor force.  Well played, President Obama.  Well played. People wondered what a second-term Jimmy Carter presidency would have looked like.  Now, we know.  Thank Christ for those Burrito Boxes.
• Former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon died at the age of 85.  He had been in a coma for eight years, following a debilitating stroke in January, 2006.  Rest in peace.
• A recent study by High Point University concluded that Narcissists tweet more often than other people.  Probably why The Lifeguard tweets so infrequently.
• In a related story, The Lifeguard hopes that he never hears the term "hashtag" again.  (Unless it relates to a pricetag on a brick of hash.  Then, it's all right.)

All right, my babies.  It's off to...well...whatever The Lifeguard is planning for today.

Challenge Accepted!

Fucking Scorsese Is A Fucking Piker

The new fucking Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio film, The Wolf of Wall Street, set some sort of a fucking record for the frequent fucking use of the F-Bomb.  Now, The Lifeguard admits that saying "fuck" (or one of its fucking variants) five hundred and six (506) times during a 180 minute fucking movie is pretty fucking impressive; however, The Lifeguard has fucking used the motherfucking word more fucking times than the fucking movie.

So, what's the big fucking deal?  The Lifeguard is pretty fucking sure that the fucking assholes who are fucking responsible for the fucking movie ratings have come to the same fucking conclusion as The Lifeguard: If a fucking word is used all of the fucking time, then people will not give a fuck if they hear it nearly three fucking times a fucking minute.  

Indeed, if the fucking people who think that The fucking Wolf of fucking Wall Street should get an R-rating, in spite of the motherfuckers in the fucking movie using the fucking F-Bomb three fucking times a fucking minute, then why the fuck do the same motherfuckers get fucking pissed smooth the fuck off when Michael Wilbon says "nigga" (or one of it's fucking variants)?  Or, more to the fucking point, why should fucking Wilbon get pissed smooth the fuck off if white people use the fucking word?

The Lifeguard notes that many fucking women get pissed off when they hear the fucking word, "cunt."  But, this is pretty fucking queer, since the fucking word is, first and fucking foremost, applicable to both fucking sexes.  And, it's a fucking acronym, meaning "Can't Understand Normal Thinking."  Why is it okay for a fucking woman to say, "She's a fucking cunt"?; or, for a woman to say, "Fuck my cunt"?; but, not for a man to say, "What a bunch of fucking cunts"?  Fucking A, man.  Fucking A.

Still wondering what the fucking point of this is?  Well, it should be pretty fucking obvious, if you aren't a fuckwit, a shitweasel, or a fuckwad.  (But, not a piece of fuck.)

Words become so commonly used (or, in this case, overused) that they lose all meaning, and all shock value.  And still, in spite of this, Blazing Saddles (for example) is heavily edited, while rap, hip-hop, and other fucking music is flooding the airwaves, using many of the same words axed by the network censors.  Fucking assholes.  Dire Straits faced an uproar over their use of another fucking F-Word in their song, "Money for Nothing."  Who the fuck gives a fuck?

Fifty years ago, a fucking kid would have his fucking mouth washed out with a bar of fucking soap if he said, "Fuck."  Then, his fucking father would have spanked him, with a fucking belt, because polite fucking people don't fucking say, "Fuck."  But, now, it's "fuck you," "STFU," and "kiss my fucking ass, you fuck."  (And that's on the fucking playground of the fucking pre-school.)

The bottom fucking line?  The Wolf of Wall Street sucks.

Put that in your fucking pipe and blow it out your fucking arsehole.

Wishing you the cool side of Yuletide!

Merry Christmas, Babies!

The Lifeguard apologizes for any inconvenience his absence has caused. However, he'll return, with a vengeance, in the next few days.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas, y'all!

Hillary

The Lifeguard Is This Big!

"Ain't none of you guys endowed like The Lifeguard," Hillary! said at a gathering of the Conservative Black Caucus.  (Both members can be seen on the stage with Hillary!.)

Oh, and The Lifeguard hopes y'all had a great Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah!

"The Lifeguard Is A Real Man"

Absolutely!

Country Singer Gretchen Wilson Talks About The Lifeguard

Over and over again.

Sadness...

The Lifeguard Observes A Moment Of Silence For Those Who Lost Their Lives At The Hands Of The Terrorists Twelve Short Years Ago.

He got one thing correct.

"The Lifeguard Is Huge."

Then, Secretary of State Kerry said, "Respect."

HFWTFMF?!?

Vladimir Putin Shakes Hands With Michelle Obama Prior To The G-20 Summit

After a short hiatus, The Lifeguard returns with the most poignant commentary on life, politics, and just about anything else.  You guessed it.  It's Speedos!

• President Obama, who drew a (red) line in the sand over Syria's alleged use of chemical weapons, spoke yesterday to his unequivocal statement.  He said, “That wasn’t something I made up. I didn’t pluck it out of thin air. I didn’t set a red line. The world set a red line.”
• For fucks sake, if GWB had said, “We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized,” and then said, "That wasn't something I made up," the media would have jumped his shit.
• Maybe Syria hasn't used "...a whole bunch of chemical weapons...."  They have just used a bunch of chemical weapons, not whole bunch of chemical weapons.
• Is there even any proof that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons?  And, what makes Syria different from...say...Iraq.  The Democrats blanched at the thought of going to war against Saddam Hussein, a man who had violated seventeen UN Resolutions, used chemical weapons against Kurds and Iranians, and ran rape-rooms and torture chambers; but, Bashar al-Assad is alleged to have used chemical weapons and President Obama becomes John Wayne.
• Wait!  Saddam Hussein was a lawyer.  There are a lot of Democrat legislators (including President Obama) who are lawyers.  Maybe that was professional courtesy?
• James Carville used the oft-repeated ObamaExcuse, "It's W's fault."
• Secretary of State, John Forbes Kerry, is for war in Syria, after he was against it.  And, Code Pink as very, very unhappy about it.  But, then again, this is an easier call than...say...Viet Nam.  After all, one would never catch the Syrian rebels hiding out among civilians, or dressed in black pajamas.  Nope, the Syrian rebels wear uniforms, and adhere to all of the rules of war.
• One wonders if the guy who shot (no pun intended) the video of the summary execution of Syrian soldiers is going to be arrested and thrown in jail for violating the terms of his probation.  Wait!  That's another guy.
• President Obama killed Usama bin Laden.  Why doesn't he just go ahead and whack Assad?  Why all the debate?  One would think that a former lecturer on Constitutional Law, at one of America's premier law schools, would understand that he has the Constitutional authority to act without passing the buck to Congress.
• God, how The Lifeguard misses President Reagan.  (Or Bush.  Or Clinton.  Or Bush.)
• The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Clinton would have launched an air strike on Syria (and gotten a blow job at the same time).  Obama?  The Lifeguard is pretty sure that the Preezy of the Heezy is 0-2.

Yep, this is a mighty disjointed rant on Syria; but, sometimes, that shit happens.  The bottom line, my friends, is that The Lifeguard is adamantly opposed to any involvement in Syria.

Huh?

What If It Were Happening In Sweden?

Would the babies be sold on the White Market?

A picture is worth 1,011 words...

I'm The Guy...

The Lifeguard's Favorite Part Of The Regatta Was When She Blew The Guy...

Twice.

In every race.

She knows.

"The Lifeguard?  About This Big."

The Lifeguard, and the rest of taxpaying America, are about to get rogered as ObamaCare goes into effect for some (but not all) Americans.  In fact, thanks to President Obama's efforts, Congressional staffers--who, on average earn more than you--will get an ObamaCare exemption.  

Congress feared that there would be a "brain drain" if the exemption weren't crafted.  Of course, this begs the question, why didn't the staffers get it right the first time?  The truth is, America might be better off if the geniuses on Capitol Hill took a long walk off a very short pier, environmental concerns be damned.

The staffers could have put whatever they wanted in the Affordable Care Act, knowing that no one was going to read it until after it was passed.  Subsidies?  Yep.  Free gym memberships?  Sure.  Car allowances?  Natch.

The social experiment should be over now.  Before things get anymore out of hand.  Of course, when there aren't any adults in the room, and President Obama is on Leno, expect things to be an absolute horror show.

And, don't get sick.

No shit!

And, Her Name Is Huma Weiner...

Of course, maybe if she did, he wouldn't have to send pictures of his junk to the free world.

In other news, 78% of women in the important 18-26 demographic love Weiner.  Of course, The Lifeguard hears from one of his faithful readers (who has seen the goods) that it is more Vienna Sausage than Kielbasa.  More cocktail frank than bratwurst.

Apparently, size doesn't matter.

Happy Birthday, America!

Nine Of The Reasons The Lifeguard Loves America

The Lifeguard just hopes that the reasons stay the fuck out of Egypt.  

After a brief flirtation with a leader who isn't in the hip pocket of the Great Satan, millions of hygienically-challenged Egyptians took to the streets to demand that the leader that they wanted (and voted for) be removed by the military.  Of course, street demonstrations in Egypt involve wailing crowds, shots being fired into the sky, and women being raped.  Sort of like street demonstrations in Benghazi, Libya.  (Except those demonstrations involve wailing crowds, burning consulates, shots being fired into the sky, and ambassadors being raped.)

Thank Christ that American soldiers (with women newly-introduced into combat roles) aren't being asked to go to Egypt to act as peace-keepers.  (What with all of the touchy-feely crap going on here in America, The Lifeguard wonders if the new policy isn't to try to reason with our enemies...as we are doing with Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia, Syria, and every other shithole populated by Islamic extremists.)

The Lifeguard did have a point when he sat down; but, then the girls started getting antsy, and he lost his train of thought.  (Then, the train went into a tunnel.  (Nine different tunnels, to be precise.)

Anyway, Happy Birthday, America.  (And, for all of you folks who don't like it here, The Lifeguard suggests that you take a trip to Tahir Square...a one-way trip to Tahir Square.)

This Is My Rifle...

The Lifeguard Spent The Day Having His Gun Cleaned

Give Him A Hand!

"Oh, 'Bama!  When I Heard You Knew How To Stroke People, I Had No Idea."

HFWTFMF?!?

Speaking From Experience, There Is Nothing Sexier Than A Chick Packing Heat

It's Speedos!

• The Lifeguard represented a low-level gangster, who had been hauled in for a deposition pursuant to Rule 15 of the Federal Rules of Criminal Procedure.  In order that he remain out of the line of fire, The Lifeguard suggested that, perhaps, taking the Fifth might be wise.  So, he did.
  
  US Attorney:  "Could you please state your name for the record?"
  
  Client:  "I'm taking the Fifth."
  
  US Attorney:  "I'm just asking your name."
  
  Client:  "Upon the advice of counsel, I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me."
  
  And, so it went...for two hours.
• The Lifeguard, therefore, wonders why in the crikey fuck embattled IRS functionary  Lois Lerner gave a statement, proclaiming her innocence, before pleading the Fifth.  Seriously?  What idiot told her that her Constitutional right to avoid self-incrimination would be preserved if she made a self-serving statement before pleading the Fifth?
• Also troubling is the case of Alzheimer's that has affected former IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman, who was asked what he discussed during his 118 White House visits in 2010 and 2011.
• Doug Shulman, a lawyer, claims that he is not an expert in Constitutional Law, even though every law student must take Con Law.  Perhaps he took President Obama's course at the University of Chicago.
• Does anyone believe that Doug Shulman attended the Easter Egg Roll at the White House?  Is his new gig going to be president of Jews for Jesus?
• Where did all of these Washington lawyers, with seemingly no understanding of the law, come from?  Isn't this an indictment of the American system of educating lawyers?  (Or, is this just another example of incompetence in government?)
• And what about the Al Roker-looking motherfucker?  One has to think that to be the Treasury Inspector General, one must not be a complete fucktard.  (But, having heard J. Russell George testify, one would be wrong.)  Truth be told, The Lifeguard kept waiting for him to say, "And here's the weather in your world."
• When The Lifeguard heard that two men hacked a British soldier to death, his first thought was, "Fucking Islamic terrorists."  Surprisingly, The Lifeguard was...correct.  The larger question is why Prime Minister David Cameron immediately referred to this as an act of terrorism while President Obama still refers to the Fort Hood shooting as a case of "workplace violence"?
• And, if Major Nidal Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter is still receiving his Army pay, why is he allowed to wear a beard?  And, why has the judge, Colonel Gregory Gross been removed from the case for ordering a serving officer (and one of a lesser rank) to comply with Army Regulations?  If Major Hasan is collecting his pay, he should be obliged to comply with Army Regulations.
• And, now that Major Hasan has fired his attorneys, we can expect a bigger circus.
• There was extensive violence in the suburbs of Stockholm, Sweden.  Of course, it probably wasn't initiated by disaffected immigrant youths.
• Constitutional whiz (and Preezy of the Heezy) Barack Hussein Obama, who remains fiercely non-Muslim, has been a proponent of unmanned drone strikes, which have killed four American citizens.  Which begs the question, "Why the extrajudicial action against some (these guys, for instance) and not others (the five suspects in the Benghazi Consulate attack)?
• The Lifeguard also wonders why former-DNC head, Howard Dean, can get away with calling Benghazi "...a laughable joke"?  Four dead Americans.  An attack on American soil.  Yep.  The Lifeguard is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
• First Lady Michelle Obama is planning an extended vacation.  How does one take an extended vacation when you are always on vacation?
• The Lifeguard is still waiting for one...just one...Muslim cleric to come out against all of the violence being perpetrated by militant Islamists.  [crickets]

Yep, this has been an angry installment of Speedos!, but The Lifeguard is angry.

Peace, y'all.