Friday, March 14, 2014


March Madness!

  • Clive Goodman, the former News of the World royals editor testified that the late Princess Diana gave him the Green Book (a directory of numbers) so that she could show that Prince Charles' staff was much bigger than hers.  (The Lifeguard knows something about a large staff.)  Apparently, the princess was looking for an ally in her battle against her ex-husband, and used the power of the press (and her position as a media darling) to keep herself in the spotlight.  Sort of like a Kardashian, except without the giant ass and the stupid reality show.
  • If only Bravo had gotten to Princess Diana, she might still be alive.  (Although, the high-speed chase and car crash would have been a real ratings grabber.)
  • Secretary of State John F. Kerry, who served in Vietnam, just drew a "red line" on the Russian incursion in Crimea.  As JFK once served in Vietnam, he's a real tough guy, and The Lifeguard is pretty sure that Vladimir Putin is quaking in his boots (in much the same way that the Ayatollah Khomeini was quaking in his boots when then-President James Earl Carter drew his own "red line" back in 1979.
  • The Lifeguard wonders whether Putin would be pulling this shit if Obama weren't such a wuss, and JFK such a douchebag.
  • The Lifeguard notes that the Russians did learn one lesson from their incursion into Afghanistan.  Wait until after the Olympics to accept the invitation to move troops into another country.
  • In Rhode Island, a man with Alzheimer's disease and dementia lived with his dead wife for two days before officials entered the home.  It seems really wrong to use this tragic story as the segue to a joke, but what the hell.
  • Two guys are talking and the first one says, "I think my wife is dead."  The second man says, "What makes you think that?"  The first one replies, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink."
  • The big news is the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines 777, on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.  Flight MH370 disappeared from radar screens, but telemetry from the engines indicates that the jetliner continued to fly for another few hours leading some to believe that the airliner was diverted for some nefarious purpose.
  • The Lifeguard suggests that Uyghurs--Chinese Muslims--are responsible for the disappearance of the flight, perhaps with the assistance of the flight's pilot and co-pilot. And, The Lifeguard also believes that the jet is intact, ready to be repurposed as a flying bomb.  Indeed, a 777 would make an outstanding delivery system for an explosive device.  And, with the way the plane just disappeared, it's not so unreasonable to assume that it might just reappear just as suddenly.
  • A man rescued from a submerged car is suing his rescuers for $500,000.00.  And, it is possible that he is an illegal alien.  Here illegally.  Suing the rescuers.  For saving his life. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?
  • Wasn't an ObamaPhone and ObamaCare enough for Roy Ortiz?
  • Obviously, Mr. Ortiz's lawyer didn't think so, since he stands to pocket a cool $166,000.00 if he prevails.  Plus a bunch of free press.
  • Of course, his lawyer, Ed Ferszt doesn't care that suits like this make the legal profession look like a bunch of money-grubbing whores.
That's enough for now.

Have a great day, y'all!

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