Saturday, January 11, 2014


It's Been A Long Time...

But, The Lifeguard is back with a new and improved edition of Speedos!  The 2014 line, you might say. And, with all of the douchebaggery in the world, a man such as The Lifeguard is needed more than ever.

  • In beautiful Los Angeles, California, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an illegal alien, a company has developed the Burrito Box, a burrito vending machine.  Because, it's cheaper and more efficient to have a vending machine distribute burritos than Mexicans.  Yep, the upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens seems like a really good idea.
  • With all of the discussions about increasing the minimum wage (to $15.00 an hour) to a much-needed amnesty for illegal aliens, The Lifeguard wishes that someone would have an honest discussion about the two closely-related problems.  An increased minimum wage will, no doubt, lead to more illegal immigration as business owners look for people who can be paid, under-the-table, less than the new, higher, "living wage."
  • The Batman movie, starring George Clooney, is awful.
  • The Lifeguard has never seen the show, Girls.  He is pretty sure that he doesn't want to see the show's creator and star, Lena Dunham, naked.
  • Seriously, do you have any idea what a horrible, horrible movie Batman & Robin is?
  • New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio (D-umbass) went to a meet-and-greet on Staten Island. Someone ordered pizza.  Mayor de Blasio ate his with a fork.  What the fork?!?  That's sort of like ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.
  • Nearly 92 million Americans are not in the labor force.  Well played, President Obama.  Well played. People wondered what a second-term Jimmy Carter presidency would have looked like.  Now, we know.  Thank Christ for those Burrito Boxes.
  • Former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon died at the age of 85.  He had been in a coma for eight years, following a debilitating stroke in January, 2006.  Rest in peace.
  • A recent study by High Point University concluded that Narcissists tweet more often than other people.  Probably why The Lifeguard tweets so infrequently.
  • In a related story, The Lifeguard hopes that he never hears the term "hashtag" again.  (Unless it relates to a pricetag on a brick of hash.  Then, it's all right.)
All right, my babies.  It's off to...well...whatever The Lifeguard is planning for today.

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