Maybe They'll Stay on Holiday.

When Googling "Obama Vacation" Images...
seven of the first twenty pictures are of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) without a shirt.

The Lifeguard, who is all man, is not impressed. (Plus, it looks like he might shave his chest, which is decidedly most unpresidential.)

The Beatings Will Continue Until (My) Morale Improves

The World Needs A Good Ass-Kicking...

...and The Lifeguard might just be the man to do the honours. Indeed, The Lifeguard has been compiling a list of those destined for some serious ass-kickery.

First up, companies that establish call centres in foreign lands. Actually, that is not quite accurate. If the call centre is opened in the United Kingdom, or Ireland, then it's all good. It's when corporations that have a largely English-speaking clientele (e.g., Wachovia Bank or Bank of America) open customer service centres in India and Bangladesh that The Lifeguard gets pissed.

Not only are we being charged more for fewer services ("If you don't have an account with us, that will be $5.00 to cash that check drawn on our bank."), we are getting saddled with ten minutes on hold to speak with some assbag who doesn't speak comprehensible English. The Lifeguard suspects that if he pressed dos, he'd get someone who spoke impeccable Español. English? Not so much.

In a perfect world, "pressing two" would direct the caller to Rosetta Stone.

Asshats!

The second round of ass-beatings goes to those morons who use the (made-up) word, "irregardless." The Lifeguard knows many self-important windbags who use this word. In the past, he has laughed quietly at them. Starting today, The Lifeguard heaps scorn and ridicule upon them.

Also included are those who talk about spending "quality time" with their children, working "24/7", or "providing free health care to all Americans."

Shit, this is probably a pretty big list.

The Lifeguard is going to need some breakfast before he gets started.

HFWTFMF?!?

"Vegas Whore!"
The Lifeguard was contacted recently by a fan.

"What does 'HFWTFMF' mean?" she asked.

The Lifeguard told her.

"Well," she asked (after the wails of laughter had subsided), "when does one use this?"

So, Mel Gibson, one of The Lifeguard's favourite actors is caught out calling his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is probably a Russian spy, a horrible actress, a gold-digger, or all three) a "...Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore." He also used other epithets, including the so-called "N-word."

Now, aside from the fact that Mr. Gibson wants his chick to be a lady in public and a wanton whore in the bedroom, The Lifeguard can not really figure out what the problem is. Oh, wait, Ms. Grigorieva recorded the conversation, then released it to the press. What an ungrateful bitch. Not only does Mr. Gibson give the Russian one hell of a recommendation for her acting career, he also gave (or will give) her many millions of dollars for spitting out a child. His child. She also gets some scratch from Timothy Dalton (the Welsh James Bond) for being the mother of his child.

"I vass affraid he'd beat me," Grigorieva said. (Probably.) "I vass affraid that my acting career vould end up like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ."

Twunt.

Sure, people in relationships argue. They say some mean-ass shit. Stuff that might be a basis for breaking up with the person. Generally, however, this mean-ass shit is not recorded, then released to the press.

So, when Mel Gibson woke to the news that his Vegas whore had not only taped their fight, but released it to the press, he screamed, "Holy fuck! What the fuck, motherfucker?!?"

He also learned a valuable lesson: "Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod. Never nod when you can wink."

Oh, and next time you bang someone, wear a condom.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard is buying the entire Mel Gibson collection.

HFWTFMF?!?

They Are Black. They Are Stars.

The Lifeguard was driving to work, listening to NPR, and I heard a story about the "...black stars of Ghana."

The Lifeguard stopped, thinking that this is some seriously racist shit. Black stars? It's an African nation, and I am pretty sure that the players on the national team were black, were stars.

Seriously. It's the World Cup. Nations from around the world coming together, and here is this self-important turd making race an issue when talking about the Ghanaian side. If the US team were called "The White Stars of America", there would be some hardcore stuff happening. Protests, boycotts, mayhem.

The Lifeguard was fired up about this.

Fortunately, one of The Lifeguard's employees is from Ghana, and an explanation was in the offing.

Then, The Lifeguard found out that the team is called "The Black Stars" because the star on the Ghanaian flag is...black.

Who knew?

Why we are fat.

What A Segue!

The Lifeguard was recently in Washington, D.C., and was approached, at least twice, by strange men on Segways. The first looked homeless. He was in filthy trousers and a sweat-stained white T-shirt, dragging two of the strange conveyances by their necks. The second was clearly a tour guide, with a stable of the two-wheeled machines and nasty-ass bicycle helmets.

Later, while walking around the District, I saw the ultimate short bus tour of D.C., with overweight men and women tooling around in the afternoon sun on their rented Segways.

No wonder America is now the most overweight nation in the world. People who would have walked fifteen years ago (and who need the exercise more than ever now) have a means of transport that obviates the need for any physical activity. They can go straight from their Power Chair to their Segway and back again. Accessibility is now a right; and, the obese are the next protected class.

In another few years, America will be a nation of couch-sitting, Segway-riding, lazy-ass douche bags.

Not The Lifeguard, though.

He's going for a ride...

on his bicycle.

TSA?

Travel Sucks Already...
To The Lifeguard, a man with forty-plus years of domestic and international travel under his belt, flying anywhere blows. Not only does he have to deal with myriad fares and senseless restrictions when purchasing his ticket, he also has to worry about overweight passengers shoe-horned into one seat (when they should have two...or a gastric by-pass), paying $25.00 for the privilege of checking a suitcase, and a complete lack of anything once the wheels are safely locked in the upright position.

Now, the TSA, the people who brought you long lines at security and two-hour pre-flight waits in barren airports now bring you...longer lines at security and three-hour pre-flight waits in even more barren airports. One might think that between the airlines and the TSA, the goal is to deter terrorism by deterring people from flying at all.

Certainly, weeding out the morons who fly would be okay with The Lifeguard. (Really, any family that wears matching lime green T-shirts to travel should probably just go Greyhound. The Lifeguard saw you at BWI security, you know who y'all are.) In fact, The Lifeguard would be happy to see some means by which the traveling herd is thinned.

Perhaps an additional question--verified by the ticket kiosk or agent--about the frequency of travel.

Agent: "Sir, have you been given any items by a stranger?"

Lifeguard: "No."

Agent: "Have you flown more than ten times in the past two years?"

Lifeguard: "No."

Agent: "I'm sorry. Wait, it says here that you have flown over 400,000 miles in your lifetime. Please go directly to our special security line."

But, no....

The TSA, the people who brought us bare feet at security, laptops taken out of their cases, and 3/1/1 have now brought us...

THE FULL BODY SCANNER!

This magnificent device, purchased with American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA) funds aims to prevent terrorists from getting on the airplane by preventing terrorists (and everyone else) from ever getting through security.

What The Lifeguard means is that these babies cause such a drag at security that absolutely no one gets through in time to make their flight. If we can't stop the Richard Reids of the world from sneaking bombs onto planes, we'll stop everyone.

The millimeter wave scanners, also known as "naked scanners", are highly sensitive devices that detect concealed weapons by showing security personnel a virtual naked picture of the traveler. Sadly, in order for the geniuses at TSA to see the weapons, one is required to remove shoes (still), belt, watch, wallet, change, and any other items on one's person. It would be faster (and more effective) to simply ask the traveler to please place his weapon on the table before going through the checkpoint.

Recently, The Lifeguard encountered the new technology at BOS (and later, at BWI). In each instance, an additional five minutes was tacked on to The Lifeguard's wait at the checkpoint, leading The Lifeguard to conclude that a strip search would be faster.

The Lifeguard hates waiting at airports, and has been known to do a Full OJ (running through airports, jumping obstacles) in order to make his flight. So, the millimeter wave-occasioned delay at BOS was an unwelcome discovery. And, after the audible gasps from the back room (and the ensuing strip search by eight female TSA personnel, and a TSA guy called Bruce), he finally got to his flight.

On the return trip, the machine at BWI didn't work, after a half-dozen attempts to make it go.

This, after removing everything.

Shit, if the technology is so good, then why can't the machine tell the difference between, say, a watch and a Sig Sauer P226? A shoe and a shoe bomb? A belt and a box cutter?

The Lifeguard is going to have to discuss this with someone.

Maybe Bruce, when he takes The Lifeguard out for dinner and drinks next Friday.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Burst Pipe?
Blowout Preventer?
Broken Plans?
Big Problem?
No, just British Petroleum.

You're Out!

And You're Ugly, Too!


(With apologies to Durwood Merrill.)

The Lifeguard is a baseball umpire, working games at a variety of levels, in a variety of places. I will occasionally work a summer instructional league game, followed by a youth league game. It's not always the ideal situation; but, it sure is a lot of fun.

Over the course of the years, I have wondered about many things, not in the least of which are these.

Have you ever noticed that the people who are telling the batter--their sons and daughters, usually--how to hit probably couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat.

"Keep your eye on the ball!" Sure, you have to watch the ball, but when the pitcher fires a 92 mph fast ball, most of these clowns are doing just that. Sometimes, they swing impotently. Other times, they don't swing at all. The best part? It's usually the umpire's fault.

"You weren't consistent" and "my pitcher didn't get those calls" are the standard excuses.

"Your pitcher didn't get those calls because your pitcher wasn't consistent," is my stock answer.

I love hearing "take one for the team," or "wear it."

"Yeah, tell you what, douchebag. Come on down here and let me hit you with a 92 mph heater...or, even an 82 mph deuce. We'll see how you like 'taking one for the team.'"

Of course, the coaches are the best, especially when they ask such knowing questions, like "what's the strike zone today?"

"Um, whatever it says in the rule book?"

Or, in a fast pitch softball game, where the batter is trying to slap her way on base and gets hit by a ball bouncing off of the ground. "Didn't that hit her in the box?"

"No, coach. I think it hit her in the leg."

Or, after a batter goes down swinging. "Was that a strike?"

"Yes. Because he swung the bat, ya jackass."

But, the pinnacle of stupidity was the coach at a small New England college who came out to chat after the following situation:

Runner at first, bunt fielded by the pitcher, throw to SS (covering second). Bad throw, pulled foot (the plate umpire could see him off the bag from the plate), runner safe.

The coach comes out to complain that this was a "horseshit call." He said that since the SS was "...around the bag, trying to turn two..." the runner should be out. I told him that the throw was bad and everyone in the stands could see that the SS was off the bag.

To which the coach replied, "Well, what are you, the defender of the rulebook?"

I told him that I thought that was in the job description.

HFWTFMF?!?

The Lifeguard Is Never Judgmental...

unless it's funny.

The Lifeguard started some rant about pierced, tattooed and pregnant teens. It was hilarious--and incredibly mean. Really, it was downright cruel.

Then, The Lifeguard decided that with all of the problems in the world, his two cents worth wouldn't amount to a hill of beans. The girls would still have ten holes in their ears, tongue, nipples and nether regions. They'd get tramp stamps on their backs, barbed wire tats on their arms, and dolphin tats on their legs. They'd still name their children DeShawn, Jaydon, Shaylaine, and Corianne. It would be all for naught.

Plus, I noticed a couple of girls making out while I was editing the piece, so I pretty much decided to dump it and watch them.

Believe me, it was much better (for The Lifeguard).

I'm baaaack!

THE LIFEGUARD SAVES...
or, would have saved, if he would have been asked. The recent Times Square car bomb attempt had America abuzz. Reports that a "white male" were seen leaving the scene, and there were discussions about this being a plot by tea-bagging right-wing extremists.

The Lifeguard, however, advised that the suspect was likely an Arabic type, a practitioner of the Religion of Peace, and an advocate of the repeal of The Patriot Act.

The Lifeguard was pooh-poohed, called a racist, an idiot, and a tea-bagging right-wing extremist.

This morning, news broke that Faisal Shahzad, a naturalised US Citizen, was arrested at JFK Airport, boarding a flight for Dubai. Even better, preliminary reports indicate that Shahzad's bomb didn't explode because he had set the timer incorrectly--0700, as opposed to 1900.

Beautiful. Fucking beautiful.

Lifeguard 1, Terrorist 0.

The Lifeguard Is On A Break

The Lifeguard Will Return From Hiatus This Week!

Oops!

The Lifeguard Was Watching Television
He tuned into American Beaver, but it wasn't what he was expecting.

Wh-wh-what?

I'm Pretty Sure...
that there didn't need to be eight ways to ask The Lifeguard if he was, in some form, Hispanic.

The Lifeguard was responding to the decennial census, as mandated by the United States Constitution (Article 1, Section 2), and nearly shit when faced with the following questions:

[The Lifeguard paraphrases...]

"Are you Hispanic?"

"Cuban?"

"Puerto Rican?"

"Chicano?"

"Some other Hispanic? (e.g., Argentinian, Chilean, Salvadoran, Costa Rican, et al.)"

"Are you white?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Why in the crikey fuck do we need to know precisely how many Argentinians, Koreans, Hmongs, or Guamians are in the country? [Rhetorical question.]

If we were asking in order to pre-plan the return airline tickets back to these countries, The Lifeguard might feel better about the extreme specificity; but, The Lifeguard knows that this is merely a means by which the government largess is divvied up amongst the raft(load) of minorities living in this country.

Maybe if the Census Bureau got back to taking a head count, there would be fewer problems, fewer dollars spent, and fewer race-based government programs.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

Rantings

I Suppose ObamaCare Will Pay For This, Too...
The Lifeguard is not averse to people with a need having access--even free access--to such contraptions. After all, if there is something that can help the individual who is paralysed get outside and live a more fulfilling life, then sign me up for that.

The Tank Chair, for instance, is one of those devices that would never have been invented anywhere but America. It's big, it's ungainly, and it's probably pretty fucking expensive. It can also allow the paraplegic hunter the means to get back to nature.

The Lifeguard's irritation, however, begins when people who are too fat to walk demand that Medicare (or Medicaid) pay for their power chair. (These things are pretty expensive, too. Prices for some start at $1,300.00. A pair of Nikes would be a hell of a lot cheaper.) Really, if you maybe took a walk once and a while, you wouldn't need to plop your 250 kilo ass into one of these rides for a trip around the mall.

Knees hurt? Then drop 20 kilos and stop complaining. Can't see Mr. Winky? Well, there's probably no cure for that, since penis implants are not yet reliable. Want to buy some groceries? Take a stroll to the bakery. Unless, of course, you are Donna Simpson, the 250 kilo Beast from the East.

This woman is on a quest to become the fattest woman in the world, which will require her to consume 12,000 calories a day, while minimising her physical activity. And, The Lifeguard will have to pay for her care and feeding. (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has already paid, in part, for her power chair.)

We'll all pay, unless, of course, there are enough sickos in the world to cough up a few bucks to watch Ms. Simpson eat. (There is already at least one site, where the viewer can pay to watch BBW Mandy Blake stuff her face.) Frankly, if one wishes to see this sort of train wreck, all one need do is peer through the window at the local Curves; or, hang out at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

Speaking of which, it's time to run down to China Dragon.

Noon is feeding time.

HFWTFMF?!?

Separated At Birth?
Maybe Alfred E. Neuman would be a better judge than Ellen Degeneres. (Although, he is not quite as mannish.)

The Lifeguard is, at the present time, interested in the outcome of "American Idol." (Aside from my interest in the hotness of some of the female contestants, I am also in a pool that could put some brass in my pocket.) Therefore, gentle readers, should you have a chance to vote for Siobhan Magnus, please do so. And for the record, The Lifeguard did not select her in the aforementioned office pool because she is 19, or a glassblower. (Well, maybe the glassblowing part had something to do with it.)

Stiffed!

Car Trouble Kept Me From The Conference

Neither The Lifeguard, nor Senator Scott Brown (R-People's Republic of Massachusetts) were at President Barack Hussein Obama's bi-partisan health care confab. The President (who remains non-Muslim) was hoping to create a show--cover, if you will--for his plans to force health care reform down the throats of 300 million Americans, whether they like it or not.

Indeed, it reminds me of the (many) times that The Lifeguard got spankings. (I am not talking about the ones where the spanker is dressed as Emily Dickinson, I am talking about the ones meted out by The Lifeguard's father.) Without fail, as the beating was administered, my dad would say, "This will hurt me more than it does you." (And The Lifeguard would say, "Ouch!")

But, The Lifeguard digresses.

President Obama, the Democrat party, and a minority of America's pointy-headed elite believe that we need government-run health care. Health care administered with the same efficiency as the United States Postal Service, and with the same accountability as...well...Congress. Health care for the kiddies, the oldies, and everyone in between. Health care for you and for me, and for the estimated 25 million illegal aliens within our borders. (I suppose that we are providing benefits to the so-called anchor babies, children born to illegal immigrants, so as to get a little American citizen on the dole, so why not provide care for everyone.)

Then, America will have the same quality health care that Cuba does. (We will also have the same economic outlook as Cuba, without the great weather, the fabulous cigars, and the '57 Chevies and Fords.) Best of all, we won't have to pay a dime for it.

So, if we are headed down this road...and I believe that we are...The Lifeguard has a few thoughts that might smooth the transition from First World innovation in health care to Third World delivery of services. These are a few modest proposals, which President Obama would be well-served to consider.

First, encourage smoking. The federal coffers are filled with cigarette tax money; but, there is a risk of it drying up as smoking bans take hold around the country. Sure, it's a smelly, messy habit; and, it shortens your life if you smoke heavily. However, it does generate revenue--in massive amounts. Get 100 million Americans smoking again and the state and federal governments could generate an easy $200,000,000.00 a day. That's $73,000,000,000.00 a year. That's real money. On top of it, shorter lifespans equal fewer people collecting social security, so that injects more money into the pool of cash in which Congress frolics. Add to that productivity gains when workers are no longer forced to go outside to smoke, and American industry will be rolling once more.

Second, eliminate fertility treatments. The Lifeguard doesn't want to pay a dime for some forty-something dimwit who wants a child to love, but who is infertile. (Or worse, married to some weasel who is shooting blanks.) You want a child, then adopt. Given the moral dilemma created when fertility treatments yield a litter--and the ensuing multiple births (or reductions)--eliminating fertility treatments will save countless billions of dollars.

Third, institute real malpractice reform. If noted Russian sex reassignment surgeon, Dr. Ivana Ketchacockov's scalpel slips, the patient shouldn't be able to sue for tens of millions of dollars. Out of pocket expenses? Yes. Medical treatment necessitated by the malpractice? Of course. Twenty million dollars because you have a funny scar? No fucking way. Indeed, The Lifeguard has never understood why juries give scads of money to victims of malpractice. (Beyond what is reasonable, of course.) It is true that insurance companies have boatloads of money. It is also true that they pass along the costs--by way of higher premiums--to doctors, thus putting an unnatural pressure on them to charge higher fees and to practice defencive medicine. And, of course, those same companies pass along higher premiums to those buying health insurance. Sure, the jury gave little Suzy $8,000,000.00. They also gave themselves (and their doctors) greater overhead.

As an aside, government health care shouldn't pay for sex changes, either. (The Lifeguard would be willing to support covering the following procedures, however. Breast augmentation, liposuction, nose jobs, and botox. Improved self-esteem equates to happier people.)

Finally, The Lifeguard recommends that any immigrant--illegal or otherwise--who comes to this country with a chronic disease (e.g., HIV/AIDS, TB, pregnancy, or cancer) be screened and deported (unless they can pay for their care). President Obama has recently changed the requirement of screening for these diseases, and now lets anyone who can run, jump or swim here stay here, regardless of their medical condition. This is, gentle readers, a matter of the public health. Allowing people to enter our borders, then suck up a finite resource, without contributing, is the first step on the road to perdition. Again, a billion saved is a billion that can be spent on the future Barney Frank Memorial Bathhouse and Day Care Center.

Just a few thoughts.

Maybe the POTUS is listening.

Not that anyone is counting...

Wait! The Lifeguard Is.
At this very moment in time, the United States is leading all nations in the medal count, with 28. Germany is second, with 24, and Norway is third, with 18. The host country, Canada, has a respectable 15. The Lifeguard is giddy at the thought of the United States winning the most medals.

Oh, and for The Lifeguard's friends in Canada (you know who you are), sorry about that hockey game. (It's not like hockey is your national sport, or anything like that.)

That is all.

It's like rain on your wedding day...

Okay, Maybe It's Not Ironic.

In a time that we are watching the 2010 Vancouver Olympics (where the United States has been winning medals right and left--20, as of this writing) and discussing obesity (among children, adults, and my nephew's dog), The Lifeguard almost fell over when he read about the 240 kilogram (528 pound) Romanian woman who gave birth to a 2.9 kilogram (6.4 pound) baby, by caesarian section.

The woman, Victoria Lacatus, suffers from a glandular problem (I am more inclined to think that the gland in question is her mouth, not her thyroid), which contributed to her morbid obesity.

Apparently, this is a bigger problem than either The Lifeguard or First Lady, Michelle Obama thought. Lacatus, a Romanian, gave birth in a hospital for the obese. That there needs to be a hospital equipped with beds that could support the Brobdingnagian woman is somewhat puzzling to me. After all, one just doesn't wake up and find that they weigh 240 kilos. It takes time. And, the old adage, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" rings true in almost every instance of obesity. (Put another way, the damage isn't done with just one Ding Dong.)

Also puzzling is the fact that her future husband, a man tipping the scales at 70 kilograms (154 pounds) was a) engaged to a woman weighing more than three times as much as he does (maybe she has a great personality?); or, b) that he was able to engage in coitus. In fact, contemplating the sheer mechanics of the latter are enough to make The Lifeguard swear off food and drink for a good long while. Oh, there is also a c). Most men would not be able to perform given the amount of alcohol required to have sex with a 240 kilogram woman.

Now, before you hop on your power chair and come gunning for The Lifeguard, please consider the following observations.

First, I do not like the that obesity is viewed as a disease. Not only does that absolve fat people from responsibility, it creates a new victim class. ("I can't stop eating, I have a disease. And, if you try to make me pay for two airline seats, I'll sue you, because I have a disease.") It is a choice, whether you like it or not. Don't want to be fat? Go for a walk, eat some vegetables, put down the Twinkies.

Second, I think that if childhood obesity is such a problem, then encouraging children to walk (or ride their bicycles) to school is a good place to start, as are recess and physical education. (Anecdotal evidence of this can be found with Number Two, whose school administration does not allow children walking to school without a parent.) Mandatory intramural sports, walks, and calisthenics couldn't hurt, either. After all, the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton and Harrow.

Finally, if you are unhappy with your weight (and doing something about it), then shut the hell up, you.

The Lifeguard has spoken.

HFWTFMF?!?

Colour Commentator?
The Lifeguard would have been called a racist had he said it. However, it's true, President Barack Hussein Obama (who continues to not be a Muslim) tried his hand at colour commentary during the Dook/Georgetown basketball game on January 30th.

Listening to the ramblings of the 44th president, it seemed that, absent a TelePromTer, the POTUS would suck just as much at doing colour for CBS as he does at running America.

Of course, he can't watch a full game, "...tun[ing] in and out...", so perhaps he could work with Joe Morgan, who doesn't watch baseball games.

HFWTFMF?!?

Gilbert Arenas Plays For A Team That Used To Be Called The Bullets...

Well, he used to play for a team called the Bullets.