Fuck the heck?

Several weeks ago, I had an employee who was not faring well in the fast-paced environs of my plant. He was frequently tardy (as in, every day), and advised me that--two days into the job--that he was not feeling well, and that he needed to go to the doctor.

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard has been around the block a few times, not to mention years in a workers' compensation practice, and he saw that there was something fishy about the complaints of varied aches and pains.

Lifeguard: "You need to work today, and this weekend. Go to the doctor tonight."

Employee: "I can't. My [body part] hurts."

Lifeguard: "Well, then, you can have the weekend off.'

Employee: "Really, boss? Thanks."

Lifeguard: "In fact, you can take the rest of this week off. And next week, too."

Employee: "Wow, you are the best."

Lifeguard: "Now, get the fuck out...and don't come back."

Imagine The Lifeguard's dismay when, upon arriving at work the following week, Employee was cocked, locked and ready to rock.

Lifeguard: "What are you doing here?"

Employee: "Here for work, boss."

Lifeguard: "But, I let you go last week."

Employee: "But, it's Christmas."

At which point, The Lifeguard completely lost his mind...and fired him again.

Fuck the heck!

Down In The Durham Ditches...
there's a place that twenty thousand sons of bitches call Chapel Hill. And, thanks to the intolerance, political correctness, and idiocy of one person--Associate Provost of Libraries, Sarah Michalak--those poor bastards won't have their Christmas trees this year.

What's a poor Tar Heel to do? Sure, the women's soccer team won the NCAA Championship. Sure, the football team improved after giving their coach a huge raise (after a mediocre 2007 season). Sure, the basketball team is...well...good.

But, this year, there won't be a Christmas tree outside of the Wilson and Davis libraries, which is a shame. All, in the name of tolerance of other religions. As if taking down the trees will appease the idiots who have complained about the trees over the last few years. It will, instead, embolden them.

Sort of like Hitler was emboldened when Neville Chamberlain gave up Czechoslovakia, declaring "...peace in our time."

Yo, Neville, how'd that work out for you?

So, first, it's the trees. Then, the ram. (Too violent, of course. Offensive to vegetarians. Natch.) I'm pretty sure that someone is offended by the black spot on the heel. The fight song has also got to go. (I'm not sure what's offensive about the fight song; but, I wasn't sure what was offensive about a tree.)

Sure, she could have put up a Menorah (for the Jews), a Kwanzaa bush (for the blacks), and a...wait...the Muslim students could sacrifice the mascot (for Eid-al-Adha).

But, no. She took the trees.

Bitch.

What the deuce?

In An Effort At Change...

Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich (D-Duh) seeks to become the first person pardoned by President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama.

Blagojevich, who committed himself to cleaning up the mess created by convicted felon (and former Republican Governor, George Ryan), put a massive "For Sale" sign on the Senate seat held by Obama.

Blagojevich wasn't even subtle about it. He was shaking down everyone in an effort to get money for his campaign, for his wife, and for himself. And, it is all on tape, right down to the Governor's comment that he "...just wanted to make money."

So, as a consequence of his actions, yet another politician has taken yet another massive dump on the confidence of the general public in their elected officials. It almost makes one wonder how many millions of dollars Senators (like Obama and Dodd) and Representatives (like Barney Frank) would seek from, say, Fannie Mae...wait, they already got theirs.

Seriously, the only way to solve the problem of the massive governmental corruption now present in Washington, D.C. (and fifty state capitols) is to get rid of them all. But, that won't happen...

As someone once said, "he may be a crook; but, he's our crook."

Therefore, The Lifeguard now announces his candidacy for the Massachusetts General Court; and, ultimately, for even higher offices.

My platform: Change!

Or, to borrow from His Excellency, the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, "Together we can!"

Use the "Contribute Now" tab to make your campaign contribution to The Lifeguard.

Do it, damnit.

Berlitz.

I Am A Glutton For Punishment...

I went to...you guessed it...Dunkin' Donuts today. After yet another FUBARed order, I decided to review my past disappointments so that I could put together a comprehensive guide to speaking Dunkinese.

To Get This... Order This...

Coffee Regular Black Coffee, No Sugar

Blueberry Muffin Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich

Bagel With Plain Cream Cheese on the Side Bagel With Veggie Cream Cheese

I am sure that there are other examples of Dunkinese, and The Lifeguard invites you to send them along.

In the meantime, I am going to Starbucks.

The Lifeguard Meets Captain Obvious

And Jesus Wept...

The Lifeguard was chatting with a friend the other day, and almost went through the roof. Fortunately, Captain Obvious (and his amazing hearing) had the same reaction to the "conversating" going on, and he arrived on the scene, to administer a boot to the head.

It made me think about a few of the linguistic abortions that I have heard in the last few weeks. (And, since President-Elect B. Hussein Obama supports the right to an abortion right up to the time of delivery, I am expecting to hear more everyday. I can not wait.)

As I mentioned, I was conversating with my friend, and he was telling me about how he had been conversating with his wife about some matter or another. This reminded me about how I had been conversating with my friend, S, and we conversated almost all night long.

For the record, there is no such motherhumping word as "conversated".

Which brings me to my recent trip to Big City Hospital. I ran into an acquaintance in the cafeteria, where I had gone for a bad cup of coffee and a six-hour-old hamburger...which was free (thanks to Boston's Mayor, Thomas Menino) of trans fats. (The coffee was free of trans fats. The burger had them in spades.)

And, as we were conversating, she started telling me about her new boyfriend, who is doing his residency in oncology and etymology.

"Cancerous words? What the fuck!?! Try haemotology, not etymology, cupcake."

So, today, I mentioned a luncheon that was being held at work to my friends D and G.

"Hey, fellas, that luncheon is today."

"I brought my lunch. Just my luck," G said.

"Looks good; but, it's roast pork." (Which I know that G does not eat.)

"You don't have to have pork, G. They also have ham," said D.

Argh!!!!!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

She Would Have Been 83...

My mother passed away last year, and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of her, missed her. She was a lovely and gracious lady, the paragon of an elegant Southern woman.

And, though she often annoyed me with her endless advice, I find that I could use some of her wisdom right about now. Regardless of our disagreements, she was always there when I needed her. She was always quick to forgive. (And God knows, there was a lot to forgive.)

For those of you who haven't yet visited Misspent Youth, I encourage a stop there to read the eulogy that I offered at her memorial service.

For those of you who have, read it again. For The Lifeguard.

Kill 'em all, let God (or Allah) sort 'em out.

Mumbai Terror Attack At An End...

When I first heard the news of attacks at the Taj Mahal and Oberoi Hotels, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Where are we going to find another 720 Virginians?"

Hey, it wasn't that I just assumed that the terrorists were Muslim, it was that I knew that they were Muslim. After all, who else does this kind of shit?

From news of the gunmen targeting Americans and Britons (read white folk) to the stories of butchered women, I found this incredibly disturbing. After all, we live in a new world. A world where the President-Elect of the United States has stopped the rise of the oceans and unified the diverse peoples of Earth.

And so, the first crisis of the new administration (or the last of the old) takes over the headlines.

It highlights three things:

One, we still live in a very dangerous world. A world where there is hatred based upon one's place of birth, or the colour of one's skin.

Two, the failure of the United States to support former Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf has come home to roost. There is less control, and more uncertainty in that nation now that there is a new president, one who is less beholden to the United States.

And, three, maybe, just maybe, we need to expand Club Gitmo.

A Modest Proposal.

A Little More Charming Than The Skinny Pirates...
I was chatting with someone the other day, discussing world events, and the topic of the Siege in Somalia (think "Rumble in the Jungle" or "Thriller in Manila") arose.

Miss Liberal White Guilt said that she could fully understand the desperation that would drive the Somalis to take to the high seas, risking life and limb to "...be able to feed their families."

"Huh?" I said.

"They're just trying to feed their families. They don't want to hurt the crews, and it's not like the ship owners can't afford it."

Now, from where I sit, this woman is too stupid to vote; and, should probably never reproduce so as not to inject any more of her idiocy into the gene pool.

"Are you kidding me? I know that Somalia is a lawless country; but, there is a solution. A solution not unlike the one undertaken by Thomas Jefferson in the early part of the nineteenth century."

"But," she said, "we are already fighting one illegal war. We can't afford another."

"Huh? You voted for Obama, didn't you."

"Of course. Didn't you?"

At this point, The Lifeguard collapsed, frothing at the mouth, over the apparent disdain that this woman had for our nation of laws.

Not only do pirates cause a disruption of shipping traffic through the Gulf of Aden, they wreak havoc on yachtsmen sailing the world's oceans for pleasure. As to the former, the increased costs of insurance and ransoms are passed along to the end-user of the products transported. (That means you and me.) In addition, the ship owners are forced to pay greater wages to be able to retain crew; and, should these pirates actually sink a ship (such as the Sirius Star), the environmental costs would be staggering. As to the latter, lesser pirates, off the coasts of South America, for instance, are emboldened by the successes of the Somalis (and the impotent responses of the U.S. et al.), and begin to see pleasure craft as a source of some quick cash.

In this environment, one of the principal tasks of the United States Navy is not met. Protecting commerce is as important as any other mission; and, it is not being accomplished.

So, for the weak of mind and infirm of spirit, The Lifeguard offers this modest proposal, in four steps:

Step One: Read Heart of Darkness.

Step Two: Task the NSA, the CIA, the DIA, the MIA (and any other "A" you can think of) to tracking the movements of pirates in the Gulf of Aden. They may not be Al Qaeda; but, the cost to society (and the world economy) is at least as significant. Oil tankers, freighters, and other ships are faced with a much longer (and more environmentally damaging) trip if they can not transit the Gulf of Aden.

Step Three: Send an expeditionary force of Special Forces types into Somalia. Support them with a small flotilla of naval vessels, and give them free reign to eradicate known pirates (and their pirate leaders). When caught, take them to the Somali capital (Mogadishu) and hang them. If you catch a few innocents in the noose, so be it. Ship owners would happily contribute to the funding of this force.

Step Four: Sink any piratey-looking scow, dhow, or RIB. Film it. Release it to the world-wide media (and the World Wide Web).

Only by meeting this unconventional threat with overwhelming force will the world be free of the scourge of piracy on the high seas.

Step Five (if there was one), would be to put The Lifeguard in charge of the operation. After all, The Lifeguard is no stranger to keeping the water safe.

My Favourite Holiday!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was driving home tonight, thinking about writing this post. Somehow, I dozed off--doing eighty miles per hour--and was jolted awake by the rumble strip on the highway. In the beams of my headlamps, I saw the hard shoulder, and the median strip.

As the left front tyre left the asphalt, I used my left foot to brake and fed in a right turn. Simultaneously, I jerked the shift lever to the left, engaging the manual shift mode, and quickly downshifted, revving the engine and using the deceleration to regain control.

Too much input into the steering, and the Swedish Ford turned across the highway, tyres squealing, and started careering toward the slow speed lane.

More throttle, down another gear, and some left steering. The car fishtailed; and, in short order, was once more headed in the right direction.

The cars behind me seemed not to miss a beat, and I settled back into my proper lane, with my heart beating a little faster and my head a little clearer.

So, as we end this Thanksgiving Day, I note some of the things for which I am thankful:

Children. All children. Sweet, innocent, and our hope for the future. That children are abused, or hungry, or scared is a great tragedy, and The Lifeguard believes that it is the duty of all men and women to protect them, to respect them.

My parents, who are both deceased, and who taught me the importance of love, of laughter, and of hard work. I miss them both, and I am often saddened by the pain and disappointment that I most certainly caused them over the course of my life.

My friends--both new and old--who have stuck by me (and always will). My oldest (or longest-tenured) friend, M, is one of the finest people that I have ever known. One of my newer friends, J, was a rock to cling to when things were bad. S is a really new friend, and truly special. Then, there are the As, Bs, Ps, the Ls, and an R or two.

Sure, I know that all of this is a little maudlin for The Lifeguard; but, there is something about careering out of control that makes you slow down, focus, and reassess your direction.

Oh, and for the record, The Lifeguard 1, turkey 0.

The Lifeguard on Sabbatical...

The Lifeguard Is Learning Spanish!

I have no choice. I was at Dunkin' Donuts the other day...what can I say, I am a glutton for punishment...and I ordered a breakfast sandwich--something with bacon and egg and cheese.

Imagine my chagrin when I opened the bag to find a delicious blueberry muffin.

I just wonder how you say "blueberry muffin" in Spanish.

And for the record, I hate Dunkin' Donuts. More than ever before.

British Badass!

One Hour And Forty Six Minutes Of Retribution...

Fuck the critics who panned Quantum of Solace. They are idiots.

This is, without a doubt, one of the four best Bond movies ever; and, I stand by this assessment. In fact, I stand by it so much that I will see this movie again, at the cinema. Then, when it comes out on cable, I will see it another forty seven times.

In this film, we see the continued development of James Bond, without the distraction of gadgets and witty banter (even though there are some great lines). Instead, we gain insight into what makes Bond, well, Bond. We see into his soul, and it is dark, sublime.

Judi Dench is great as M; and, Gemma Arterton is unbelievably sexy in the role of Strawberry Fields. Oh, and Olga Kurylenko? Spectacular.

Go and see it. Twice.

Obamerica!

The First African-American President...

may actually be an African. That is to say, he might be a Kenyan; but, we'll never know. We still haven't seen his birth certificate; and, when we do, it'll be too late.

All that aside, he is my President now.

Congratulations, President-Elect Obama. You ran a great campaign. The best that I have ever witnessed. (Even though your opponent, Senator McCain, ran a horrible campaign.)

And now, now that the oceans are receding, the temperature is falling (or rising), and the starving are sated, the real debate can begin.

Obama's OUI

We Needed To Know...
That President George W. Bush had been pinched for an DUI. Getting the news just a few days before the 2000 election was, in no way, meant to keep people from voting for then-candidate Bush. And, 'though some thought it was a dirty trick, it was reported by everyone.

From my perspective, it didn't make a difference to me, because I was already a Bush supporter. (I am still talking about the President.) In fact, I thought that the candidate should have released the news ages earlier, to blunt the possibility that the possibly damaging revelation could derail his campaign.

When the news broke (due to no fault of the mainstream media), I thought that it made the candidate more electable for the simple reason that nearly everyone has driven after having had too much to drink.

That is to say, anyone who has ever raised a glass at a party (or bar), then driven home, could have found themselves in the same situation as then-citizen Bush. The fact that he got caught is the old "There but for the grace of God go I" moment.

Now, just days before the 2008 election, we learn that Senator Obama's aunt, Zeituni Onyango is pulling off the trifecta: She is 1) living illegally in the United States, 2) in public housing, 3) employed by the Boston Housing Authority.

Following the same logic as with Candidate Bush before, I find that this revelation makes the Illinois Senator more electable. I mean, which of us doesn't have an "Auntie Zeituni" who is an illegal alien, in public housing, working for the Boston Housing Authority?

Hell, I do. And my Auntie Zeituni is a "...proud woman..." who really doesn't want to admit that she is related to The Lifeguard (until after the election). I love my Auntie, even though she is an illegal alien.

Oh, wait. I don't have an Auntie Zeituni (although I once drove home from a bar, completely and totally shitfaced).

And, for the record, I remarked ages ago that Hillary! should have been delving into Obama's family tree. She could have found a treasure trove of information that might have put her on the November 4th ballot. But....

The final question? If Senator Obama lets his proud auntie live in a council flat, what do you think he's going to do for (or to) you?

My ears are bleeding!

Patti LaBelle Sucks!

Philadelphia's native daughter, Patti LaBelle, sang The Star Spangled Banner to start Game Four of the Fall Classic.

Aside from the fact that I have heard more melody from fucking cats, she didn't seem to know all of the words to the National Anthem. (It's "...perilous fight...", not "flight".)

And tell me, why do singers feel the need to make the National Anthem their own? Sing the freaking song, without all of the flourish and bullshit. And, get the words right!

Socialist please!

Have The Liberals Lost Their Motherhumping Minds?

Apparently, "socialist" equals "black".

I give up.

I am mad as Hell...

...And I Am Not Sure If I Can Take It Anymore.

Not only are the Boston Red Sox getting shit-hammered by the Tampa Bay Rays (Top of 3, 5-0 Rays) in Game Five of the ALCS, I learned something tonight that made me very mad.

Not mad, like when I threw up a little bit in my mouth while I was kissing Gina McCarthy. (She was mad; but, not like I am mad right now.)

Mad, like when I learned that one of my son's teachers was ridiculing the children who said that they liked Senator John McCain (over Senator B. Hussein Obama). Really, what in the name of fuck is a teacher doing ridiculing ten-year-olds who said they liked Senator McCain. (Or, Osama Obama, for that matter.)

I was tempted to ask Ms. Liberal White-Guilt (her actual name) where she got off bringing politics into elementary school (or, at least a particular candidate); but, I was reminded of the old addage, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach P.E.)*

So, imagine my chagrin when I learned that my nephew, a bright young man (natch) had walked out of an interview at my alma mater, Wake Forest, with this tale:

P, who is high school senior in Massachusetts, went to North Carolina for an on-campus interview. The interviewer, a Senior Admissions Counselor (or some such nonsense), asked P, "What were you Massachusetts people thinking when you elected Mitt Romney Governor?" Later, she asked him if he was "...working for Senator Obama."

Now, as far as I am concerned, you have a right to support and vote for whomever you wish. You, don't, however, have the right to interject your opinions into the interview process.

This would be tantamount to me asking the woman I was interviewing to be my paralegal (and she was hot, trust me) if she was interested in sucking my dong. I had a position of power over her, and she knew that her answer might affect her prospects at Doolittle and Scruem.

Honestly, does Wake Forest want a bunch of Obamaniacs? I thought they wanted diversity. Similarly, does this mean that I wanted all of my female colleagues and employees to suck my dong? No, I wanted diversity. Wait, no...yes.... I wanted them all to suck my dong. Aw, you get my point.

So, as of this moment, I am through giving money to Wake Forest. I am still pissed at the thought of P being treated so callously.

Now, where is my former paralegal's phone number. I want to ask her something.



*I am, if you hadn't guessed, talking about my son's P.E. teacher.

Thanks, Chris!

WTF?!?

Columbus Day is, last I checked, a Federal Holiday.

That should mean that the kids get to stay home from school (so as to celebrate the discovery of the New World). Banks and government offices are closed (so the workers can remember the drive and determination that helped Columbus make it across the Atlantic). Some Americans (of Italian descent) have a parade.

But, in Princeton, New Jersey (where they take a day off for both Yom Kippur and Martin Luther King Day), the kids go to school.

Now, if I thought for a second that tomorrow would be spent learning solely about Christopher Columbus, I would be fine with the kids going to school.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that tomorrow will be spent celebrating diversity (as manifested by the Obama campaign), studying sex education (and how to sheath a banana in a condom), and not learning math and history.

Well, they can all go eff themselves. I am going to raise a glass to good ol' Chris, that magnificent Guinea bastard.

Wasted...

I Don't Know Who Won...

A small, intimate group of 75 of my closest friends got together to watch the Presidential Debate.

Some genius suggested that we do a shot every time Senator Obama said, "um"; or, Senator McCain said, "My friend."

Fifteen minutes into the debate show, we were all shit-faced.

Good times.

Hilarious!

The Headline Was Perfect!

FoxNews chattering skull, Bill O'Reilly, blasted Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) on the mess he made at Fannie. Watch the video here.

Other headlines mentioned "Barney Frank's Love Connection With Fannie."

In fact, when The Lifeguard Googled "Barney Frank" and "Fannie", he got over 450,000 hits. (Of course, Barney Frank has gotten over 450,000 hits on his Fannie, so I am not surprised.)

The bottom (no pun intended) line is that the Democrat Party generally--and Congressman Frank and Senators Dodd and Obama--took shitloads of money from lobbyists for Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. In fact, Senator Obama had one heretofore unmentioned accomplishment in the Senate: In just three years, he collected almost as much pelf from Fannie Mae as Senator Christopher Dodd did in thirty years.

Further, Senator Obama seems to take economic advice from wholly-owned subsidiaries of Fannie (like Congressman Frank). (Again, no pun intended in the use of the words "wholly" and "Fannie" in a sentence mentioning Congressman Barney Frank.) Oh, and former Fannie Mae CEO, Franklin Raines (who was ousted in 2004 in the wake of a $6.3 billion accounting scandal).

Wait, this started as a one-line commentary on a headline (again, no pun intended) and turned into a post on the lending crisis....

Huh?!?

Cheater!

I was reading an article about academic dishonesty, and the YouTube videos posted by students bragging about their conquests in the classroom.

For me, the queer thing has always been exams requiring that a student sign an acknowledgment that the test-taker has done his (or her) own work, has not copied from someone else, has not brought in a crib sheet ("Hey, it's my own work...done outside of class.), or supported someone other than Barack Obama for President. (Okay, maybe not the Obama thing.)

I am always reminded of my anthropology professor, who said of the Wake Forest Honour Code, "If you are scum enough to cheat on the exam, you are scum enough to sign the Honour Code stating you didn't cheat."