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Speedos!

The Lifeguard is getting ready for the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics.  And, as The Lifeguard will be covering the games, he wants to give you a stock tip.  Go long on Reckitt Benckiser (RB.L).  Real long.

• In Nigeria, a wealthy businessman was having sex with his newest, youngest wife, which so annoyed the other five wives that they demanded that he have sex with them all at once.  Lucky bastard, right? Actually, not so much.  The wives used knives and sticks to move him to action; then, they all ran off when he died, in flagrante delicto.  
• While the article talks of the Nigerian dude being "raped to death," there appears to be no evidence that he was raped to death.  And, if the wives were so "jealous," why did they demand that he have sex with all of them?  
• The Damson Dene Hotel has replaced the Bible with Fifty Shades of Grey.  Because, apparently, people think that it's a better read than the Bible.  Of course, people are stupid.
• That having been said, The Lifeguard is available for dramatic readings of Fifty Shades of Grey.
• Syrian...dictator...Bashar al-Assad is a dick.  A great big dick.  
• North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un (who is also a dick) got married.  To a woman.  Proving once again that there is someone for everyone.  (And, if you are a murderous dictator, who uses intimidation and starvation to keep his people in line, you can get any chick you want, if you just buy her some food.)
• Don MacKenzie, of Niantic, Connecticut, bought a 17 pound lobster from a restaurant in Waterford, then released the crustacean into Long Island Sound.  If he had taken it to North Korea, he could have gotten every woman in Pyongyang.
• Penn State has a $60m fine imposed by the NCAA following the rape-in-the-shower scandal.  In addition, Joe Paterno is stripped of a bunch of wins, which moved now-retired (FSU coach) Bobby Bowden, into first place with the most wins of any Division I college football coach.  (On the bright side, JoePa now has the most vacated wins of any Division I college football coach.)

That's all for now.  The Lifeguard is going sailing.