For Those Who Gave Their Lives

So We Could Surf The Webs

The Lifeguard was thinking about the fact that 71 years ago today, the Greatest Generation took to all manner of machines to begin a frontal assault on Fortress Europe. He imagines that they were scared, and that many of them wept as they awaited the invasion.

We owe our existence to those brave (but terrified) men who did what they knew to be right and just. And, as The Lifeguard looks at the world around, he thinks, "We are not worthy of this life that we have been given."

So, today, maybe it's time to remember (and to repay) that debt. Start by reading this. (And, if you don't like it, shut the fuck up.)

BOSTON CAIRS

A Boston Police Department officer and an FBI agent shot (and killed) Usaamah Rahim (who is probably a Muslim) outside of a Roslindale CVS. Rahim was a person of interest to a joint anti-terror task force run by the FBI and Boston PD. 

Unfortunately for Rahim, he was not #WearingOrange to protest gun violence. Doubly unfortunate? He did not drop the military-style knife he was wielding when asked.

Fortunately for the people of Boston, we are spared the expense of a trial and incarceration of another potential terrorist.

Travel Sucks Already

"I'm From The Government 

And I'm Here To Help."

In a shocking development, we learn that the TSA lets something like 95% of all guns and explosives through security. So, after billions of dollars (and more than a few sexual assaults), we are left with an entity that is worse at doing its job than the United States Postal Service and Congress. (And, that's saying something.)

In fact, it could be argued that TSA screenings do nothing to make the traveling public safer. (It seems, however, that TSA agents have been able to make a few bucks by ripping off passengers, so perhaps it washes out in the end.)

The biggest surprise, however, is that the incompetent boob in charge of the TSA, Melvin Carraway, is merely being reassigned. Seriously, if Jeh Johnson, Secretary of Homeland Security were at all concerned with...well...Homeland Security, he would have fired Carraway. Maybe shamed him. Humiliated him in front of the cameras.

Frankly, a guy who has as much time in law enforcement as Melvin Carraway should be more about accountability; however, that may have been impossible at the TSA, where there is so much dysfunction that perhaps everyone should be assigned...to the Post Office.

The Lifeguard has had his share of bad experiences with the TSA, ranging from the confiscation of a very scary knife (after having traveled with it for over a year) to a pat down that ended with a shared cigarette and a cuddle. 

But, since we are so concerned with political correctness and making people feel good, we have taken a wrong-headed approach to security which has done everything but make us safer.

Fortunately, the HMIC (Head Moron In Charge) has at least been removed. Now, if only we could get rid of the rest of them.

Holy Fuck What The Fuck Motherfucker?!?

Caitlyn Jenner has her debut on the cover of Vanity Fair, and The Lifeguard has to wonder whether or not there was some airbrushing, photoshopping, or trimming to get the picture just right.

And now? The Lifeguard has to go and get some bleach.

For his eyes.

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been on an(other) extended hiatus, but as the 2016 Presidential Campaign heats up, The Lifeguard thought it was his duty as a red-blooded American male to cut short his time embedded with Hillary! (and her cadre of female campaign volunteers) to return to the beat. Journalists never sleep, you know. (Especially when there are three American and Gender Studies majors from Wellesley College sharing your suite at the Ritz.)

The Lifeguard, by the way, credits the above-photo to the New York Post. (The picture was taken when Hillary! was midway through her description of The Lifeguard's...um...staff.)

So, without further ado, The Lifeguard brings you the first Speedos! of the 2016 Campaign Season.

• The Lifeguard has a piece of advice for the summer travel season. Stay the fuck out of West Africa. Seriously, if there were any reason to go to West Africa, The Lifeguard would still say, "Don't fucking go!" (Plus, America's wrong-headed immigration policy is bringing West Africa to us, so why bother with the security lines at the airport, visas, and deadly viruses that cause bleeding from the eyes, ears, and ass?) Seriously, don't go! 
• Some cat, who lied about his time in West Africa just died in New Jersey. (Note to doctors dealing with patients who say that they haven't been to West Africa: Don't fucking believe them. If Gregory House, M.D. taught us anything, it's that all patients lie.) The fact that this fucktard was walking around (when he should have been in isolation) should provide a poignant lesson in triaging patients who have fevers (and accents).
• The Lifeguard hopes that Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) gets into the 2016 race...and loses his home-state primary. America needs a leader that is...well...not Lindsey Graham. 
• Notwithstanding The Lifeguard's disdain for Senator Graham, The Lifeguard appreciates his military service. Oh, and if The Lifeguard were given the choice between Graham and Rick Santorum, he'd take Graham any day of the week.
• The Lifeguard thinks that Hillary! should have taken a lesson from Graham, vis a vis emails (and her private server).
• Things seem to be going remarkably well for ISIS. Thank God we got rid of President George W. Bush's "Cowboy Diplomacy." Things are going swimmingly under this administration.
• Former Republican House Speaker, Dennis Hastert (R-IL) is in the midst of a sex-scandal (and it's cover-up). While the details are unclear, all you need to know is that he was a wrestling coach.
• The Lifeguard sends his condolences to Vice President and Mrs. Joseph R. Biden (and their family) on the death of their son, Beau. And, while The Lifeguard and VP Biden share dramatically different political points of view, The Lifeguard has always held a spot in his heart for the Vice President. RIP, Beau Biden.
• Secretary of State John F. Kerry (who served in Vietnam) broke his leg while cycling in France. Rather than have surgery in France (where they have socialized medicine), he returned to Boston (and MGH, where they do not...yet). He is withdrawing from the Iran nuclear talks, which gives the United States a chance to get righteous about the threat that a nuclear Iran would pose to the world.
• There is no truth to the report that Secretary of State Kerry has put himself in for a Purple Heart.
• But only because he hadn't yet thought about it.
• Secretary of State Kerry should not wear spandex. (You'll have to Google it if you want to see a picture. There are some things that even The Lifeguard will not do.)
• EL James is going to publish a new book, written from the perspective of Christian Grey. The book will be released on June 18th, which is Christian's birthday. The book will be titled, Fifty Shades of Creepy Stalking by a Billionaire. The Lifeguard weeps for America's soul.
• There is no truth to the rumor that she simply copies Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) 1972 essay on rape and sexual relationships.
• But only because she hadn't yet thought about it.
• The Lifeguard didn't want to go to Baltimore before the riots. He certainly doesn't want to go now. 
• Isn't it queer that race-relations in America are worse now (with a genuine African-American POTUS) than they were when we had a bunch of old white guys in the big boy chair at 1600? One can only imagine what will happen to relations between the sexes if Hillary! gets elected.

That's about enough for now. The Lifeguard is off, like a prom dress.

Get The Lifeguard a Meeting With Sony Pictures!

The Lifeguard Is A Marketing Genius!

Fifty Shades of Grey

For The Rest Of The World

Aanisah al-Steele, a 22-year-old virgin (natch) student carefully adjusted her burqa. She was taking her roommate's place for an interview with Prince Aswad, a brooding 26-year-old billionaire (and ISIS spokesman) at Aswad House in downtown Fallujah.

When she arrives, she is ushered into his stark offices and is offered a bottled water. (Watching Aanisah drink water in a burqa will surely be as entertaining as the EL James product was not.) But first, they must pray.

After prayers, Aanisah asks Aswad her roommate's prepared questions before she is whisked away to become one of Prince Aswad's wives. (She doesn't have any say in the matter, as Prince Aswad gets what he wants because he handsome, rich, and has a very big gun.* Plus, she's a woman, so her wants are secondary to her obligation to provide sexual pleasure--and future suicide-bombers--to men waging jihad.)

Then, it's time for prayers.

Prince Aswad sends three goats to Aanisah's parents, along with a threat that if they try to talk to her, they will end up like other prisoners of ISIS.

Aswad takes Aanisah to his spacious palace, which once belonged to Saddam, and shows her his kitchen, his grand piano, the golden toilets, his fourteen other wives, and his "red room of pain." (Fortunately, Aswad was able to re-purpose the "rape room" into his "red room of pain.")

Aswad is eager to deflower his new bride; but, first, they must pray.

After Aswad violently deflowers Aanisah, he tells her that not only has he given her a scorching case of herpes, she will also be passed around by his bodyguards because it is her duty to give pleasure to jihadis (before they go to paradise, where they will get more pleasure). She raises her eyes to meet Aswad's, and she smiles. She knows her duty, and she embraces it with all of passion that makes mothers send their sons off to be suicide bombers.

The next day, after prayers, Aswad tells Aanisah that he is going to show her something wonderful. They drive to the airport, where he straps her into a glider. She is giddy with excitement, and tells Aswad that she has never flown before. Her excitement builds until he arms the bomb and closes and locks her canopy. He comforts her over the radio as he climbs into the tow plane, and as they are taking off for their destination a mere 69 kilometers away.

Aanisah frantically calls Aswad, but he does not answer. She looks behind her, in the pilot's seat, and gazes on a timer, explosives, and boxes of ball bearings.

Her pleas to Aswad are met by radio silence. She thinks about how wonderful her life has been, and the contributions that she has made to Islam in her short lifetime. If only she had been able to give Aswad the little suicide bombers that he craved. If only.... She looks down on the Euphrates, and at Baghdad as the tow rope falls away.

She screams one last time into the dead radio. "Aswad!"

The glider, losing its momentum, noses over and into the crowded market, disappearing in an orange fireball as the masses are ripped asunder by the explosive power of the bomb, as well as the rat-poison-coated ball bearings and chunks of the fuselage of the glider.

As the tow plane banks right, Aswad surveys the wreckage and mayhem and he thinks, "I still have fourteen wives."

*By "gun" The Lifeguard means...well...a 9mm semi-automatic.

Happy Black History Month!

Black History Month?

Maybe We Need Muslim History Week.

Six years into the Obama Administration, and we are still using terms like "black ice" and "blackballed."  You'd think that in a post-racial world, we'd stop calling a "spade a spade" and start calling it a "fucking shovel."  You'd think.

Someone get Sharpton on the phone! STAT!

Two things popped out when The Lifeguard read this story about Mo'Nique.

First, isn't it interesting that Lee Daniels and Mo'Nique freely use the term "blackballed." I thought that was a racist term that was insensitive to blacks.

Second, Lee Daniels notes, at the end of the article, that Mo'Nique is...to use the technical term...a "douchebag"...who is everything but a team player. (And, since Hollywood is all about the Benjamins, it makes sense that people who don't play the game get shunted aside, regardless of the depth of their talent.)

So, isn't it unfair to report that Hollywood is at fault (for keeping an undeniably talented black actress on the sidelines) when her friend (and undeniably talented black actor, director, and producer) admits that she's a difficult person with whom to work? Would this blunt Reverend Al's push to wring some of those Benjamins out of the Hollywood studios?

Also, can we get on the the "black ice" thing? The Lifeguard has been on the case for years, and has had no success. All he needs is a few million dollars, and a show on MSNBC. (Preferably following Rachel Maddow. The Lifeguard finds her strangely attractive, especially when she wears those tight blue jeans and riding boots.)

Fifty Shades of

What the Crikey Fuck?!?

The Lifeguard returns with a review of the blockbuster movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, which was released on the world (like a case of the mumps) on Friday the thirteenth.  And, since there are about 100 million oversexed women who read the eponymous book (and another 100 million men who want to get laid), it seems that Valentine's Day weekend would be a good jumping off point for the movie, which had made about $35 million as of this writing.

Sadly for everyone (but EL James), the movie was horrendous. The acting in the film was awful. Even Judy Dench and Daniel Day Lewis couldn't make this shit believable (or watchable). Interestingly, in a story that demands that the audience accept the convention that Christian Grey (played by some dude) and Anastasia Steele (played by Dakota something-or-other) had some animal attraction, we are treated to two people with less on-screen chemistry than Bill Cosby and the twenty-six women who have accused him of drugging and raping them.

Christian Grey is a rich, brooding douche bag. Oh, sure, he can play the piano, fly a glider and a helicopter, and tie a necktie; but, then again, so could Thomas Crown. (And, Pierce Brosnan was way more likable.) Come to think of it, so was Steve McQueen. (See, Steve McQueen was in the original The Thomas Crown Affair, which was made back in 1968, when movies were dependent on acting, not CGI and shameless promotion.) He is dominant; and, quite possibly, a stalker. Then again, if he could carry a football, Christian Grey could play for the Ravens.

Anastasia Steele is a mousy college student, a lover of Hardy, and (naturally) a virgin, who meets Christian Grey when her roommate, a reporter for the school newspaper, comes down with the flu. After the interview, he starts stalking her, has his lawyers draw up some papers, and then he fucks out her brains. (After putting on a condom, of course.)

And then, Christian does some creepy things, Anastasia does some dopey things, and the movie ends, leaving us wanting...anal fisting. (Because, at least when you get the fist, you get it with lube.)

The Lifeguard gives it no stars.

And, may God have mercy on our souls.

The Lifeguard Had Ebola This Morning!

Ebola Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.  They're grrrrrrreat!

Never Forget...

Today, The Lifeguard Observes a Moment of Silence in Memory of the Victims of the September 11, 2001 Terror Attacks

Yikes!

Speedos!

It sure has been a long time.  I know you've missed The Lifeguard.

• Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) showing off the quality plastic surgery you get with ObamaCare.  The last time The Lifeguard saw a face like that, it had a hook in its mouth.
• Without a doubt, Nancy Pelosi is one of the scariest looking women in the world. A woman desperately in need of a burqa.
• President Obama has done wonders for the Middle East.  His ill-advised policies have caused tremendous instability in an already unstable region. That said, he has been able to sneak out to play some golf.
• Thank Christ Mark Zuckerberg's pro-amnesty group, FWD.US is launching a "Day of Action" for amnesty for illegal aliens.  Obviously, Zuckerberg can't afford to pay the regular landscapers, and he needs some new ones that he can hire on the cheap.
• America really needs millions of people who can't speak English, who haven't got any skills (beyond cutting the grass...or, selling it), and who are infected with delightful Third World diseases, especially since there are fewer Americans in the workforce than at any time in recent memory.
• Fortunately, the Democrat party is working with the GOP to prevent the hiring of illegal aliens.  Not!  Seriously, The Lifeguard wonders what good will come of allowing millions of low-wage workers into the country. Workers who will depress wages, and who will likely stress school systems and emergency rooms in the regions where they settle. Already, school districts are seeing an increase in ELL (English Language Learners) who, more likely than not, will require special attention (to the detriment of English speakers).
• Since when does lowering standards to the level of the worst students benefit those who perform at a higher level?  American education is already struggling to produce a better product.  Instead of becoming Lexus, we are becoming General Motors.  (Without the possibility of a recall.)
• The US soccer team advanced from the Group of Death to the Elimination Round.  By losing.  To Germany.  Only in soccer can one win by losing. Another reason that The Lifeguard thinks that soccer is barely a sport.
• As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: "Don't worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game."
• Congratulations to Vanderbilt University on their win in the CWS. The Lifeguard was pulling for the Commodores.

That's enough for now.

Good night, y'all.

The Word of the Day is...

FECKLESS

feck·less

ˈfekləs/

adjective

1. lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible.

   "a feckless mama's boy"

   synonyms:

   useless, worthless, incompetent, inept, good-for-nothing, ne'er-do-well;

Yeah, baby!

"Did You See The Size Of That Thing?"

Kate Whoseewhatshername asked this question of her security team last Friday, after she inadvertently walked in on The Lifeguard in the loo at a dive bar in London.

"I'm going to call it, 'Texas'," she said.  "It is huge!"

Have You Ever Noticed That Most Of The Women Who Are Most In Favor Of Abortion Are The Ones No One Wants To Screw?

SCOTUS hears the Hobby Lobby case.  (Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc.)  Justice Sotomayor has to keep correcting herself about whether the penalty is a tax.  So does Justice Kagan.  

The world waits and wonders.  

A decision is expected this summer.  

Speedos!

March Madness!

• Clive Goodman, the former News of the World royals editor testified that the late Princess Diana gave him the Green Book (a directory of numbers) so that she could show that Prince Charles' staff was much bigger than hers.  (The Lifeguard knows something about a large staff.)  Apparently, the princess was looking for an ally in her battle against her ex-husband, and used the power of the press (and her position as a media darling) to keep herself in the spotlight.  Sort of like a Kardashian, except without the giant ass and the stupid reality show.
• If only Bravo had gotten to Princess Diana, she might still be alive.  (Although, the high-speed chase and car crash would have been a real ratings grabber.)
• Secretary of State John F. Kerry, who served in Vietnam, just drew a "red line" on the Russian incursion in Crimea.  As JFK once served in Vietnam, he's a real tough guy, and The Lifeguard is pretty sure that Vladimir Putin is quaking in his boots (in much the same way that the Ayatollah Khomeini was quaking in his boots when then-President James Earl Carter drew his own "red line" back in 1979.
• The Lifeguard wonders whether Putin would be pulling this shit if Obama weren't such a wuss, and JFK such a douchebag.
• The Lifeguard notes that the Russians did learn one lesson from their incursion into Afghanistan.  Wait until after the Olympics to accept the invitation to move troops into another country.
• In Rhode Island, a man with Alzheimer's disease and dementia lived with his dead wife for two days before officials entered the home.  It seems really wrong to use this tragic story as the segue to a joke, but what the hell.
• Two guys are talking and the first one says, "I think my wife is dead."  The second man says, "What makes you think that?"  The first one replies, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink."
• The big news is the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines 777, on a flight from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.  Flight MH370 disappeared from radar screens, but telemetry from the engines indicates that the jetliner continued to fly for another few hours leading some to believe that the airliner was diverted for some nefarious purpose.
• The Lifeguard suggests that Uyghurs--Chinese Muslims--are responsible for the disappearance of the flight, perhaps with the assistance of the flight's pilot and co-pilot. And, The Lifeguard also believes that the jet is intact, ready to be repurposed as a flying bomb.  Indeed, a 777 would make an outstanding delivery system for an explosive device.  And, with the way the plane just disappeared, it's not so unreasonable to assume that it might just reappear just as suddenly.
• A man rescued from a submerged car is suing his rescuers for $500,000.00.  And, it is possible that he is an illegal alien.  Here illegally.  Suing the rescuers.  For saving his life. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?
• Wasn't an ObamaPhone and ObamaCare enough for Roy Ortiz?
• Obviously, Mr. Ortiz's lawyer didn't think so, since he stands to pocket a cool $166,000.00 if he prevails.  Plus a bunch of free press.
• Of course, his lawyer, Ed Ferszt doesn't care that suits like this make the legal profession look like a bunch of money-grubbing whores.

That's enough for now.

Have a great day, y'all!

Speedos!

It's Been A Long Time...

But, The Lifeguard is back with a new and improved edition of Speedos!  The 2014 line, you might say. And, with all of the douchebaggery in the world, a man such as The Lifeguard is needed more than ever.

• In beautiful Los Angeles, California, where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an illegal alien, a company has developed the Burrito Box, a burrito vending machine.  Because, it's cheaper and more efficient to have a vending machine distribute burritos than Mexicans.  Yep, the upcoming amnesty for illegal aliens seems like a really good idea.
• With all of the discussions about increasing the minimum wage (to $15.00 an hour) to a much-needed amnesty for illegal aliens, The Lifeguard wishes that someone would have an honest discussion about the two closely-related problems.  An increased minimum wage will, no doubt, lead to more illegal immigration as business owners look for people who can be paid, under-the-table, less than the new, higher, "living wage."
• The Batman movie, starring George Clooney, is awful.
• The Lifeguard has never seen the show, Girls.  He is pretty sure that he doesn't want to see the show's creator and star, Lena Dunham, naked.
• Seriously, do you have any idea what a horrible, horrible movie Batman & Robin is?
• New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio (D-umbass) went to a meet-and-greet on Staten Island. Someone ordered pizza.  Mayor de Blasio ate his with a fork.  What the fork?!?  That's sort of like ordering a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss cheese.
• Nearly 92 million Americans are not in the labor force.  Well played, President Obama.  Well played. People wondered what a second-term Jimmy Carter presidency would have looked like.  Now, we know.  Thank Christ for those Burrito Boxes.
• Former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon died at the age of 85.  He had been in a coma for eight years, following a debilitating stroke in January, 2006.  Rest in peace.
• A recent study by High Point University concluded that Narcissists tweet more often than other people.  Probably why The Lifeguard tweets so infrequently.
• In a related story, The Lifeguard hopes that he never hears the term "hashtag" again.  (Unless it relates to a pricetag on a brick of hash.  Then, it's all right.)

All right, my babies.  It's off to...well...whatever The Lifeguard is planning for today.

Challenge Accepted!

Fucking Scorsese Is A Fucking Piker

The new fucking Martin Scorsese/Leonardo DiCaprio film, The Wolf of Wall Street, set some sort of a fucking record for the frequent fucking use of the F-Bomb.  Now, The Lifeguard admits that saying "fuck" (or one of its fucking variants) five hundred and six (506) times during a 180 minute fucking movie is pretty fucking impressive; however, The Lifeguard has fucking used the motherfucking word more fucking times than the fucking movie.

So, what's the big fucking deal?  The Lifeguard is pretty fucking sure that the fucking assholes who are fucking responsible for the fucking movie ratings have come to the same fucking conclusion as The Lifeguard: If a fucking word is used all of the fucking time, then people will not give a fuck if they hear it nearly three fucking times a fucking minute.  

Indeed, if the fucking people who think that The fucking Wolf of fucking Wall Street should get an R-rating, in spite of the motherfuckers in the fucking movie using the fucking F-Bomb three fucking times a fucking minute, then why the fuck do the same motherfuckers get fucking pissed smooth the fuck off when Michael Wilbon says "nigga" (or one of it's fucking variants)?  Or, more to the fucking point, why should fucking Wilbon get pissed smooth the fuck off if white people use the fucking word?

The Lifeguard notes that many fucking women get pissed off when they hear the fucking word, "cunt."  But, this is pretty fucking queer, since the fucking word is, first and fucking foremost, applicable to both fucking sexes.  And, it's a fucking acronym, meaning "Can't Understand Normal Thinking."  Why is it okay for a fucking woman to say, "She's a fucking cunt"?; or, for a woman to say, "Fuck my cunt"?; but, not for a man to say, "What a bunch of fucking cunts"?  Fucking A, man.  Fucking A.

Still wondering what the fucking point of this is?  Well, it should be pretty fucking obvious, if you aren't a fuckwit, a shitweasel, or a fuckwad.  (But, not a piece of fuck.)

Words become so commonly used (or, in this case, overused) that they lose all meaning, and all shock value.  And still, in spite of this, Blazing Saddles (for example) is heavily edited, while rap, hip-hop, and other fucking music is flooding the airwaves, using many of the same words axed by the network censors.  Fucking assholes.  Dire Straits faced an uproar over their use of another fucking F-Word in their song, "Money for Nothing."  Who the fuck gives a fuck?

Fifty years ago, a fucking kid would have his fucking mouth washed out with a bar of fucking soap if he said, "Fuck."  Then, his fucking father would have spanked him, with a fucking belt, because polite fucking people don't fucking say, "Fuck."  But, now, it's "fuck you," "STFU," and "kiss my fucking ass, you fuck."  (And that's on the fucking playground of the fucking pre-school.)

The bottom fucking line?  The Wolf of Wall Street sucks.

Put that in your fucking pipe and blow it out your fucking arsehole.

Wishing you the cool side of Yuletide!

Merry Christmas, Babies!

The Lifeguard apologizes for any inconvenience his absence has caused. However, he'll return, with a vengeance, in the next few days.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas, y'all!

Hillary

The Lifeguard Is This Big!

"Ain't none of you guys endowed like The Lifeguard," Hillary! said at a gathering of the Conservative Black Caucus.  (Both members can be seen on the stage with Hillary!.)

Oh, and The Lifeguard hopes y'all had a great Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah!

"The Lifeguard Is A Real Man"