The Lifeguard Is A Marketing Genius!
Fifty Shades of Grey
For The Rest Of The World
Aanisah al-Steele, a 22-year-old virgin (natch) student carefully adjusted her burqa. She was taking her roommate's place for an interview with Prince Aswad, a brooding 26-year-old billionaire (and ISIS spokesman) at Aswad House in downtown Fallujah.
When she arrives, she is ushered into his stark offices and is offered a bottled water. (Watching Aanisah drink water in a burqa will surely be as entertaining as the EL James product was not.) But first, they must pray.
After prayers, Aanisah asks Aswad her roommate's prepared questions before she is whisked away to become one of Prince Aswad's wives. (She doesn't have any say in the matter, as Prince Aswad gets what he wants because he handsome, rich, and has a very big gun.* Plus, she's a woman, so her wants are secondary to her obligation to provide sexual pleasure--and future suicide-bombers--to men waging jihad.)
Then, it's time for prayers.
Prince Aswad sends three goats to Aanisah's parents, along with a threat that if they try to talk to her, they will end up like other prisoners of ISIS.
Aswad takes Aanisah to his spacious palace, which once belonged to Saddam, and shows her his kitchen, his grand piano, the golden toilets, his fourteen other wives, and his "red room of pain." (Fortunately, Aswad was able to re-purpose the "rape room" into his "red room of pain.")
Aswad is eager to deflower his new bride; but, first, they must pray.
After Aswad violently deflowers Aanisah, he tells her that not only has he given her a scorching case of herpes, she will also be passed around by his bodyguards because it is her duty to give pleasure to jihadis (before they go to paradise, where they will get more pleasure). She raises her eyes to meet Aswad's, and she smiles. She knows her duty, and she embraces it with all of passion that makes mothers send their sons off to be suicide bombers.
The next day, after prayers, Aswad tells Aanisah that he is going to show her something wonderful. They drive to the airport, where he straps her into a glider. She is giddy with excitement, and tells Aswad that she has never flown before. Her excitement builds until he arms the bomb and closes and locks her canopy. He comforts her over the radio as he climbs into the tow plane, and as they are taking off for their destination a mere 69 kilometers away.
Aanisah frantically calls Aswad, but he does not answer. She looks behind her, in the pilot's seat, and gazes on a timer, explosives, and boxes of ball bearings.
Her pleas to Aswad are met by radio silence. She thinks about how wonderful her life has been, and the contributions that she has made to Islam in her short lifetime. If only she had been able to give Aswad the little suicide bombers that he craved. If only.... She looks down on the Euphrates, and at Baghdad as the tow rope falls away.
She screams one last time into the dead radio. "Aswad!"
The glider, losing its momentum, noses over and into the crowded market, disappearing in an orange fireball as the masses are ripped asunder by the explosive power of the bomb, as well as the rat-poison-coated ball bearings and chunks of the fuselage of the glider.
As the tow plane banks right, Aswad surveys the wreckage and mayhem and he thinks, "I still have fourteen wives."
*By "gun" The Lifeguard means...well...a 9mm semi-automatic.