Saturday, June 30, 2007

Skoal Ring

Recently, I was approached by a gentleman who was looking at my ass. Since I live in Massachusetts, I was not that surprised, being that The Commonwealth is the home of gay marriage and Provincetown, the self-proclaimed "Gayest Town in America."

At first, I was concerned, then I was flattered, then it all became crystal clear.

Him: "Hey, I was looking at your Levi's and I noticed Ring."

Me: "Yeah, so?"

Him: "My wife (motioning to a smoking hot blonde) won't let me buy dip, and I hoped that you might spare one."

Me: "Berry Blend Long Cut okay with you?"

Him: "Absolutely."

Like secret societies, such as the Masons, the Order of the Ring binds cowboys, rednecks, doctors and lawyers who have embraced the gross and disgusting habit known as "dipping." Identified by the white ring worn into the back pocket of their blue jeans, the bulging lower lip, or the cup or water bottle filled with a foul-smelling brown liquid, the Order of the Ring lives in the shadows, not accepted by polite society.

And even though the Order of the Ring has an anthem (Gretchen Wilson's "Skoal Ring") and a large membership--encompassing both sexes--the membership must hide their habit from the public, their loved ones, and employers and co-workers. They risk scorn and ridicule, and horribly disfiguring surgery, in the event of mouth or throat cancer. It is not a safe alternative to cigarettes, and disposing of a spitter (the cup or bottle into which one spits) is sometimes difficult.

And while the habit, for me, is occasional--playing golf, working in the fields, or playing baseball--some people are hooked on the ground tobacco. They just can not quit.

Minor league baseball has banned the use of tobacco products (which is ridiculous, since Major League Baseball has not). College and high school sports have also banned the use of such products. There is, however, a resurgence in the use of smokeless tobacco products as smoking cigarettes is banned in ever more places. I note that Spring Break 2007 was sponsored, in part, by Skoal Citrus; and, even though tobacco companies can no longer sponsor sporting events, just take a look at the fans at any NASCAR race and one will see spitters galore. The use of smokeless tobacco is here to stay, even if it must remain in the shadows.

Oh, and by the way, the guy really was looking at my ass. And the blonde wife? A dude.


Anonymous said...

HFWTF, I thought you stopped dipping!

Rob said...

I did, but I still have the Skoal Ring. Right there, on my fine ass.

Cartooniste said...

"I fished in my back pocket to pull out the can, warmed by its proximity to my skin. I offered him a pinch of chaw. "Thanks," he said, taking it from me, and our fingers brushed together with an electric spark. His eyes met mine as he slid the long-cut tobacco into his cheek, then closed his eyes in ecstasy as the sweet buzz of the tobacco began to course through his veins. "Tell me more about your smoking hot wife," I whispered huskily."

So, are we doing the P-Town race this year or what?


Rob said...

Not in a month of Sundays would I be interested in a dude who dresses as a woman.

Dip for a gay guy, yes.

Dip for you, sure.

Tell me more about your boyfriend, Bruce, who dresses as a chick? No way.

The P-Town race is looking good. I will make sure to take you to my favourite "toy" store.

Anonymous said...

so disturbed. i want a toy too! hah!

Rob said...

Toy stores in P-Town are filled with Pyrex butt plugs, leather, latex, and vibrators with Pentium 4 processors. Very disturbing, indeed.

I cracked up when I saw the Pyrex toys, if only because I had seen a special on HBO about sex, specifically, the MIT (I think) grad, who used to work for NASA (as a rocket scientist) who started the Pyrex Sex Toy Company (or whatever it is called).

I recall him saying to the workman, crafting a ginormous Pyrex dildo, "Now, move the clit stimulator over and back just a bit."

And, on why Pyrex is the perfect medium for sex toys: "It is non-porous, dishwasher safe, and can be warmed or chilled without damaging the toy."

Like I would ever put a Pyrex dildo or butt plug in my dishwasher. Like I would ever own a Pyrex dildo or butt plug.

Reminds me of the time I went into a lesbian bar and was accosted by a very butch lesbian.

"My dildo can do anything a man can do," she snarled.

"Oh yeah?" I replied.

"I would love to see your dildo order a round of drinks for the bar."

Anonymous said...

Very classy. Very classy, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Love guys with Skoal rings and a nice butt!

Anonymous said...

Love guys with Skoal rings and a nice butt!