Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Rectum? Damn Near Killed 'Um.

On the whole, this has been a pretty painless experience. I have reached that stage of my life where, as a precautionary matter, I began preparing for a colonoscopy. Gone are the days when one had to make a drastic dietary change, then drink gallons of a bilious sludge. Now, one only need to take a couple of tablets, then drink a total of three ounces of something called Phospho-Soda. It is still bilious; but, the results are the same, and there is no need to suffer through hours of drinking the giant bottle of gunk.

The reasons for having this procedure are numerous, especially if one has a family history of colon cancer. Caught early, colon cancer is eminently treatable, and survivable. In the long run, it minimises the cost of health care; and, the procedure is quick and (relatively) painless.

Colon cancer afflicts more people annually than breast cancer; and, yet, breast cancer gets something like five times more research dollars than colon cancer. This is due, in large part, to the fact that tits are sexier than ass.

Really, breast cancer has a pink ribbon, breasts are soft and beautiful (or firm and perky), and right in front of our faces. Colon cancer has no ribbon (and if it did, it would be brown), asses are smelly and gross, and nobody wants one right in front of their face.

I always thought that one of the greatest comments about the colonoscopy came from comedian, Dennis Miller, who remarked that his colonoscopy was "...being shot in the IMAX format..." and that the hardest part was when David Breshears and his Sherpa, Lap Sing, filmed it.

Unfortunately, mine is being shot in the less expensive 35mm format, and it should be ready for Sundance 2008.

Check this space for confirmation that I am, indeed, a perfect asshole.

2 comments:

tzipi said...

actually, the colon cancer ribbon is blue.

i'll be waiting for sundance

Rob said...

But, brown is better. Definitely better. Or, funnier. Definitely funnier.

On the whole, I think that anything that gets a laugh is worth promoting.

Of course, some might not like being the butt of all of these jokes.