Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I AM A PERFECT ASSHOLE!

The results are in, and my colon is "...amazing."

As I contemplated my navel, and the paper shorts with the tape-strip rear door, I scanned my iPod for appropriate procedure music.

At first, I thought about Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run. Then, I contemplated some Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. Finally, I settled on a musical shuffle, songs popping up at random, and putting me in the mood for the invasion.

As an aside, I note the beautiful synergy of having a colonoscopy on the 63d anniversary of D-Day.

I also would point out that, at no time, was the song "Chances Are" playing while I was having the procedure.

I said that I wanted to have a minimal amount of sedation, so that I could watch the progress of the probe.

My nurse said, "Yeah, right. Everyone says that, then they chicken out about a third of the way through the [ten minute] procedure."

Me: "No, I want to watch. And, I won't be crying for drugs midway through."

Nurse: "Suuuure. [To the other nurse] How long before you have to give him more versed?"

Me: "I'll make it."

Nurse: "I'll bet you a hundred dollars you won't."

And so, I watched, the whole damn thing. It was not pleasant, but it wasn't horrible either. Ten minutes of my life, which could very well have saved my life, if there were any problems. Ten minutes that could have saved hundreds of thousands of dollars in cancer treatment, and spared family and friends a great deal of anguish.

In the end, everything was fine. The music worked nicely (Jimmy Buffett's "Holiday" makes a neat contrast to a camera jammed up your ass), and I won my bet. Unfortunately, the nurse welshed on her bet.

Bitch.

And, I have proof, with a reasonable degree of medical certainty, that I am a perfect asshole. But, I knew that.

7 comments:

LC said...

Dear Perfect Asshole,
I think Juvenile's "Back that Ass Up" would have been more a fitting theme song. or maybe Busta Rhymes' "Light Your Ass on Fire" is better. On 2nd thought though, I think 2 Live Crew's "Face Down, Ass Up" is the clear winner.

Anonymous said...

no comment? biznatch

Rob said...

No, I think that "Shake Your Ass" would be better. Mystical is da shnizzit.

Cartooniste said...

what about "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard"...?

congratulations on a clean bill of health. no points for being tough, though. when you've had an IUD placed with no drugs, then we'll talk.

it takes longer than ten minutes, man, i'll tell you that.

Anonymous said...

r-dizzle,
if you're such a fan, at least spell it right. MYSTIKAL

Rob said...

Sorry, my bad on the Mystikal (mis)spelling.

I was too busy being an asshole.

Rob said...

Cartooniste,

As for your procedure versus mine, your...um...hoo-hah is meant to have things go in it. Not so my ass. Egress only, baby. Egress only.

But hey, I am glad to hear that you did old school, old school.