Saturday, April 11, 2009

Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.

The French Have Balls.
Four words that The Lifeguard thought he'd never utter. But, it's true. And, French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, showed them by ordering the French Navy to storm a yacht seized by hostis humani generis--enemies of the human race. The French did, killing one hostage--Florent Lemacon, the yacht's owner--in the process; but, freeing the other folks on the vessel (including Lemacon's son).

Sarkozy gave the order to attack at 1530HRS; and, thirty seconds later, the French were on the S/V Tanit, kicking ass and taking names.

Sadly, the French didn't kill every last pirate. But, there is hope, because the French continue to take the lead role in eradicating high seas piracy.

Who'd have thought that the French president would order swift action, while the American president lets an American merchant sailor languish in a lifeboat with Somali pirates, while the FBI (the motherhumping FBI) handles the negotiations.

Shit, if The Lifeguard were in charge, the negotiations would go like this:

Lifeguard: "Surrender now, or we will board the lifeboat and kill you all."

Skinny: "We want $2M."

Lifeguard: "Go fuck yourself. You have thirty seconds."

Skinny: "We are serious."

Lifeguard: "Oh, and we will hunt your families down and kill them all, if Captain Phillips is harmed."

Skinny: "We surrender. "

Lifeguard: [Taking Phillips aboard the Navy SEALS' RIB] "Thank you."

Lifeguard: "Sink the boat, light up their village."

Skinny: "But you promised...."

At this point, fifteen BGM-109 Tomahawk cruise missiles leave the USS Bainbridge, bound for the Somali shitholes that harbour the pirates. At the same time, the pirates are bound and carried aboard the Bainbridge, where they are tried, convicted and hanged as the Tomahawks hit their targets. Hoo-Rah!

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