The Lifeguard Was Out The Other Night,
enjoying a few cocktails, thinking about Surf City (where there are two girls for every boy), and the upcoming sailing season.
When I went outside, I found that she'd dug her key into the side of my pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, then carved her name into my leather seats. She took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights and slashed a hole in all four tyres. She left me a note, saying "Maybe next time you'll think before you cheat."
So, I dialed 911. Within minutes, Boston's finest were on the scene, taking pictures, dusting for fingerprints, and shortly thereafter, placing her under arrest. Really, you don't need brilliant police work when her motherhumping name is carved into my leather seats. She might as well have left her address and phone number, with a note that says, "Please arrest my sorry, stupid ass."
Maybe next time she'll think before engaging in the malicious destruction of property.